'Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality...'
I had an experience recently which caused me to question everything I thought I knew and understood about love - to see everything in a different light.
I don't usually write personal stories - I feel more comfortable in fantasy - but this story crosses the boundary in many ways, so I'll just get on and tell it. Make of it what you will...
She caught me by surprise the other day, completely knocked me sideways, when she told me she's
In love with me.
I didn't expect it. I didn't suspect it. I thought she was a sensible kind of woman - down to earth - realistic.
Not that I'd ever met her,
In real life.
We'd been chatting for a while on Messenger, for a few months, on and off. Occasionally she'd post something on facebook - something deeply personal, even painful - something beautiful and brave. I'd written to tell her how it had moved me - I was shy to post that sort of thing on a public thread, so I'd sent her a personal message to thank her for sharing it. Other times we'd found ourselves agreeing on some political post.. being the only two people there who could see the obvious truth of unity, love and compassion against the forces of fear, division and violence.
We were of the same mind.
I guess I did really admire her in a lot of ways. I hadn't really thought about it as being 'in love', since we'd never actually met, so that would obviously be absurd. In real life, she was probably nothing like I imagined her to be - though we definitely had a strong connection. She was smart, sensitive, beautiful, caring, independent. We could read each other's minds. If she wasn't ten thousand miles away, I probably would have thought of taking my chances with her - although she was probably way out of my league anyway.
Then she asked me,
'Do you want to have a relationship?'
What?!
What does that even mean? A relationship? Are you out of your mind? We've never even met and you tell me you're in love with me... and now you want a relationship? There are ten thousand miles and an ocean between us. How is that even possible?
I thought about it for a minute or two. My mind reeling. What did this mean?
Now, I think I'm a fairly open minded person. In my experience, and from what I've seen, relationships are all different - completely different. But I must admit that I've always felt skeptical and uneasy about looking for love on the internet. Somehow, it just didn't seem compatible. There's something kind of sad about it, I've always felt.
I had massive doubts. I know that facebook isn't reality, by any stretch of the imagination. Like an iceberg, most of it is out of sight, below the surface. It's a world of smoke and mirrors - concealing much more than it reveals. If she couldn't see that and really believed herself to be in love with me, she must surely be mad. All the more reason to stay well away. The last thing I need is crazy people on my trail. Say no thank you, and move on...
'OK. Yes.' I wrote. Looked at it for a second, and then pressed 'send'...
Well, what else was I going to say? It's not every day a beautiful, intellingent, sensitive, available (apart from the 10,000 miles distant), possibly crazy (but also possibly in a good way) declares her love for me. Every love has its obstacles and challenges. Look at Romeo and Juliet. A certain amount of adversity is to be expected in any relationship, one way or another. So, we are living on opposite sides of the world. So, we have never met in real life. Does that mean that we can't love each other? Does that mean we shouldn't? Is the love she feels for me real love? She says to her it feels real. Who am I to question that?
What is love anyway?
I've known people be married for years and years and never get to know the actual person they are with. I mean, really get to know them. Or even really know themselves either. They get so far from their true selves that they forget who they are. What kind of love is that?
So I said yes, and decided to allow her to love me, and allow myself to love her in return.
Whatever it means and wherever it may lead.
We agreed, as all lovers should, to be completely open and honest with each other - which is important in any relationship, but even more so in virtual reality, when it's so easy to give a false impression. We agreed to trust and honour each other and treat each other with utmost respect - which is also something lovers should do in real life.
But is it a real relationship?
Does it matter? I've seen enough strange relationships to know that nobody apart from the people involved can really decide or judge. Is it healthy? I don't know. Will it lead anywhere? Who ever knows?
At some point we will meet in real life. Maybe. I don't know where or when, or how it will be, or what will happen afterwards, or even beforehand. But love lives in the moment.
So we talk, and tell our stories - with openness and trust - trust in ourselves that we are deserving of love - trusting in love itself, that it is good. Opening up and learning to trust in each other. Honouring and respecting each other. Getting to know each other better and deeper every day - allowing ourselves to fall in love - to be in love - whatever it means - wherever it may or may not lead.
But is it real love?
It feels like it is, yes.
Will it lead to a healthy, satisfying, real life relationship?
I don't know. Stranger things have happened.
Maybe it's a fantasy.
Then again, I told you I was a fantasist, so who am I to tell?
What do you think?
Is it possible to be in love with someone you've never met?
Do you have a similar story to this?
I'd be glad to hear how it worked out for you.