A mom and her weed

Whooo are youuuu?

Is marijuana the new cure?

Apparently not if the FDA has their way.

I see them plotting.

At the end of December last year, I had had enough - enough of migraines and enough of chronic insomnia that refused to give me any kind of restorative sleep. I had been told that cannabis might be what I'm looking for.

Here is a grown woman who has never smoked anything in her life. The smell of weed in general disgusts me. Return to the mid 1980s to an Echo and the Bunnymen concert. I was so green I had to ask my friends what that smell was. So yeah, not even in college did I experiment with lighting up joints and partaking in the hallucinogenic revelry.

I was a chicken. Inhaling anything into my lungs seemed to go against all logic. Besides, I didn't want to cough like a fool and be found out. I was a weed virgin.

But somehow chemical amphetamines were different. Though less "natural," pills were something I could swallow -ha! And I did for years. You can read about my conflicted relationship with speed here: @jlwkolb/art-on-amphetamines

I don’t like stimulants. I like the effect, but I don’t like the fall. It feels like you have had too much caffeine – all the shakes with the perks worn off. I was rattled, irritable, impatient, and unable to chill out. Enter tranquilizers and the start of a long-term romance with Xanax.

This can’t be a good thing. I originally was prescribed Xanax for my fear of flying. But it soon became my go to for any stressful situation. I’d get to the point where having to vacuum was stressful, so I had a solution.

I know better. That’s not the way. A friend of mine had been having problems with migraines and was using cannabis in capsule form – pills? Marijuana you didn’t have to smoke? I was down for that.

And let me make something clear. I wasn’t chasing any kind of high. I wanted the chronic pounding in my head to stop. I needed to sleep - sleep well for once. I’m a mother and I need to be operating at full capacity.

I finally made an appointment to get my medical marijuana card – an easy process in California. Because of my aversion toward smoking, the doctor advised me to start with the edibles. Chocolate? I was familiar with the space cakes from Amsterdam. During my junior year abroad that was all the rage - I never tried them.

I was scared going to the dispensary with my ID. There was a security guard in front and bullet proof glass where you check in. Wow – I haven’t seen this kind of set up since the inpatient pharmacy at the hospital. Isn't this a natural plant with medicinal purposes? Why the fuss? Their stash was behind closed doors. I wondered what delights were waiting.

Alice knows

The real scary thing, though, is that despite being a natural pain alternative, we have to jump through so many hoops just to prove we should be able to try it. Anyone can go into CVS and buy poisons by way of over the counter remedies. No one cares. But once you bring up the taboo subject of pot, it is assumed you are some leftover from the hippy days. If you are a woman you probably don't shave your armpits and you wear tie dye. People are serving time in JAIL for possession. Really?

I call bullshit. The thing is the FDA knows. They know they will be put out of business if word gets out that hash is in fact a safer way to treat chronic anything. And we all know how crooked the pharmaceutical industry is. They won't get rich off of healthy citizens. The solution? Make it hard and dangerous to obtain. Never mind that every year almost half a million people die from prescription medications made by the Big Pharma mafia - to be taken as directed by their own doctors. I just read that the FDA wants to include marijuana as a schedule 1 drug right up there with ecstasy and heroin. They are going to make it as hard as they can to get a hold of.

Back to the forbidden fruit.

Once inside, I find myself in a room surrounded by a counter that wrapped around the storeroom. About five or six 18 year old hipsters were working gathering up orders. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I asked for something “edible” as was recommended. I bought two chocolate bars to try.

Just in case I got the capsules – Indica is the variety you want for relaxation. Sativa is the variety for stimulant-like effects. Or you can get something called a hybrid, which is both. They gave me free sample of a truffle – cookies and cream flavor - told me to take half and wait before I ate the whole thing.

*Indica variety

*Sativa variety

I also got some CBD –Cannabidiolcaps that are non psychoactive (no THC) for overall wellbeing. THC is the compound that is sought out for recreational use - the stoner's high. And they work for headaches or any other physical maladies.

After I got home, the truffle took some effect. As I predicted, it tasted like weed smoke. You can't hide that. The problem was I didn’t give it long enough – I ate the other half too soon. It hid me hard. Is this what being stoned feels like? I felt like I was looking out of my eyes but everything was far away. Then I felt tired and overly caffeinated at the same time. When I went to bed to rest, I kept twitching. It was uncontrollable - much like a chronic shiver with intervals. Later, I was watching a movie and couldn’t remember the scene just before. I learned my lesson.

The next day I tried the Indica capsules. I took them around 5 in the afternoon. By about 9:30 I felt relaxed enough to the point where I knew I would sleep well. That was a first.
And I did.

I'm so glad I took the plunge to try something new to help my maladies. Here’s the best part. I can get all the marijuana I want delivered. I order online, and some really nice guy brings me my stash in a paper bag. Totally legal and legit. They have my card license on file – I proved myself, I guess.

I am convinced that the USA over-medicates to the point of numbness and apathy. Every day more and more addicts are born - not from marijuana, but from man made toxic chemicals that are prescribed willy-nilly. Who regulates that?

I don't trust the FDA to make decision about my health. They simply don't care. In the meantime, I will experiment with different forms of Indica strains to battle my insomnia and keep my debilitating migraines at bay.

And I will never be convinced that this is a dangerous substance.