Part 4: The search for belonging
If anyone asked you, what is worse, bullying or loneliness? How would you answer? This is the question I faced throughout much of my schooling years. As humans, we often have a tendency to gravitate towards those who are similar to us. We are more likely to befriend someone who comes from the same background as us, or someone who looks and dresses like us, those who have the same interests, or have the same outlook on life as us. Kids learn from a very young age to adopt these social norms, and to strive for acceptance and belonging. But what happens when you don’t fit in, when you don’t belong? This was my experience growing up.
Throughout my schooling years, I struggled with fitting in.
Sometimes it was because of my disability.
At the age of six, I was diagnosed with a severe genetic eye condition called Stargardt’s Disease, which would lead to the gradual deterioration of my vision until most of my central vision would be gone.
Sometimes it was because of my Chinese appearance.
I migrated to Australia from China in the early 1990s, when there were still very few Chinese people in Australia. I spent most of my primary school years in a school where I was one of only a hand-full of Chinese students.
Sometimes it was an indirect result of growing up in a single parent family.
My parents divorced when I was only four years old. My mum raised me on her own.
All these factors contributed to my struggle for belonging. Bullying and isolation became a regular part of my childhood. The physical impact of bullying for me was minimal, but it was the emotional trauma from bullying that really left its mark on my soul. Bullying tells you that you don’t belong. It destroys your self-confidence and questions your self-worth. I remember when the bullying was at its worst, there were times I would lie to my mum about feeling sick in order to avoid going to school. Yet, I still could not escape the bullying. My heart was captive to the hatred I had for those bullies, and I would replay in my mind what I would do to get revenge. It was not until many years later, that I was finally set free from the impact of bullying, when I chose to forgive and let go.
The pain of loneliness
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My mum loved me very much, and did her best to provide me with all that I wanted. But she had to work two or at times three jobs to support our family financially. This meant that when I was experiencing bullying at school, there was often no one around at home for me to share my pain with.
I learnt at a very young age to suppress my emotions and to pretend that everything was OK. Over time, my heart was hardened and I became insensitive to my emotions. I remember when I was still in primary school, my grandma past away. Besides my parents, she was the person closest to me. Before her health had deteriorated, my grandma would wait for me at the train station every day to walk with me back home after school. But the day she passed away, I didn’t shed one single tear. Not because I wasn’t sad, but because I was so use to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t know how to respond to grief and sadness.
This wall I put up against the outside wall affected my ability to connect with people and to develop friendships. I remember on occasions throughout high school, I would be around people, but yet feel completely isolated and lonely. I longed to connect with other students and to feel a sense of belonging, but I didn’t know how. On many occasions, I would go through an entire lunchtime without saying a word. I would simply hang around people, stare into empty space, but not utter one word.
In 2003, everything changed
Growing up, I hated anything to do with god or religion. I thought to myself, if God existed, why did he make me the way that I am. But in 2003, my best friend, Jason, started going to church and invited me to go with him. There I found what my heart had been longing for all along. Within several months, my life was radically changed. I had profound experiences of God and experienced unconditional love from the church family. I felt I had returned home.
When you experience God, everything changes.
For the first time in my life, I felt alive. I could finally experience the full scope of human emotions once again. I learnt to embrace my imperfections and allow people into the most vulnerable parts of my life. Finally I was able to experience deeper and more authentic connections with those around me, the connections that I had been longing for all my life.
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Real transformation comes from within. It begins in the deepest part of your soul, and flows outward to permeate every part of your being. You are no longer the same. Your thoughts, your actions, all take on a new form.
Each one of us have our own flaws, imperfections and struggles that we wrestle with each day. We constantly face the voices around us and from within us questioning whether we are smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough. Are we worthy of being loved? Our culture and media rewards people according to their strengths and achievements, and we are told that we need to have it together all the time. But it is only when we start embracing our imperfections and allow others to see who we truly are, that we are able to experience life in its fullest.
To be continued.
To read part 1 and the reasons I’m reposting the first four parts of my memoir, click here. If this is the first time you’re reading my story, I hope you enjoy, and please provide your feedback and review of this post in the comments below #reviewme.
If you want to get in touch, you can email me at nextgen622@gmail.com
Jimmy