Lloyd Aggro and Harry Ausbit had been friends forever, due to both being bottom of every class since pre school they had been besties since early childhood and couldn't imagine anything changing that, until one day a craven wench called Mary Crimson entered their lives.
Lloyd and Harry at a birthday party in 1981.
The two were early users of Steemit as they had assumed it was a vegetable cooking website but stayed anyway as the anonymity meant that no-one really new just how stupid they really were.
The two had an idea, what if there was a place where people like them could meet to help each other navigate the Steemit world and perhaps make friends. They'd always struggled to find friends and indeed girlfriends outside of each other so they came up with the idea for a place they called Discord. The first truly smart thing they'd ever done.
The success was instant and many came to meet the friends and learn from their unique and endearing personalities, some of the smarter Steemians had an inkling they were both dumbasses but
I don't mindthey didn't care.
They made many friends quickly and we're looking forward to going to the first ever Steemfest meeting their new chums and maybe even a girl or two. How could they have known it would nearly tear them apart.
They packed their bags, got snazzy suits and new haircuts and headed off on Lloyd's 28cc motorbike to the gathering.
Not realising the trip was so far the two idiots nearly froze to death on the journey but happily they made it to Aspen for Steemfest.
It was a while before Lloyd defrosted enough to let go of the handlebars and for Harry to unfreeze his hand off Lloyd's arse but eventually they managed to get off the bike.
After unpacking their bags at the hotel they both got dressed into their tuxedoes and Lloyd showed Harry how he intended to pick up a babe later with his sofisticated dance moves. Harry was secretly jealous as he had never danced with a girl and didn't know Lloyd had such great moves. "Oh well" he said to himself, "I've got my friend and that's enough."
They arrived at Steemfest in a blaze of pale blue and orange polyester, a trademark of theirs since kindergarten. "Man we're going to rule tonight." remarked Lloyd on the way in to the 'blacktie' function. As they entered Harry's phone bleeped, it was a text from a girl called Mary Crimson he'd been speaking to in the quiet section in discord a few days before. She had arrived in town and was dying to meet him, but he couldn't leave Lloyd to go and meet her........could he?
A second text came through on Harry's phone from Mary, and he couldn't resist taking a look, please meet me at my hotel it read I'm going to give you blue balls!
"Holy shit!" said Harry.
"What?" said Lloyd.
"Oh, err nothing" said Harry, lying to his friend for the first time.
Harry was torn, it was the first chance he'd ever had to lose his virginity and now approaching 40 he was tempted by the thought of Mary Crimson giving him "blue balls" even if to mean't ditching his friend.
Harry had to think quick, not a trait he really had a lot of experience with but he managed to come up with a cunning excuse to leave.
"Lloyd I'm leaving?" he said, and promptly walked away.
Lloyd stood there confused and bewildered a common theme in Lloyd's life but not when it came to Harry.
Lloyd was aghast and went into meltdown mode and started reciting his discord memes "Err make friends, upvote, err resteem" over and over and over again. Suddenly he snapped out of it and chased after Harry.
Lloyd wasn't sure where to go so he went back to the room where he overheard Harry on the phone to what appeared to be.......a girl?!?!?
Lloyd was shocked, a girl? How? Who?
He started to boil inside at the betrayal and the beginnings of a plan started to form in his mediocre mind.
Lloyd sneaked into the room while Harry was talking to Mary and sought about enacting his plan.
The plan was simple as you would expect from a halfwit, spike Harry's drink with laxative, sneak out while he's on the toilet, steal the girl and get laid. Genius.
Lloyd laced the drink maybe a bit too much.
Lloyd hid in the room and waited for Harry to finish the call, he overheard where Harry's was planning to meet Mary and vowed to go and pretend to be Harry and be the first to 'get lucky'.
Once off the phone Harry got changed out of his horrendous tux and drank the last of his drink, so potent was it that before he even got to the door his stomach started rumbling, from there it got worse. Harry only just got to the can in time.
The result of the spiked drink were truly horrific!
Laughing at Harry's misfortune Lloyd sneaked out grabbing Harry's phone before he went almost choking on the pungent aroma emanating from the bathroom. He made his way across town to meet Mary Crimson.
Reading the texts he got exited at the thought of what the minx would do to him later thinking he was Harry.
Upon arrival at Mary's hotel Lloyd sent her a text to say he had arrived, he waited in anticipation for her to appear. When she did he was ecstatic as she was gorgeous.
Mary Crimson.
Lloyd was speechless as Mary ran towards him and hugged him closely, he reciprocated the hug sneaking a peek at the good stuff in the process.
"Oh Harry" she said "I'm so pleased to meet you."
"Harry? I'm Llo...oh yes err , pleased to meet you too." stumbled Lloyd. "Great ass"
"Oh, yes thanks" said Mary, slightly disturbed at the suspicious lump in Lloyd's pocket.
Realising his error and despite his supreme idiocy Lloyd went straight into an old New England courting ritual he'd read about in his fourth attempt at seventh grade history, in an attempt to save the situation.
Mary Crimson was smitten as frankly she wasn't like other girls an invited Lloyd up to her room where she was hosting a ski lodge themed get together with some friends from Discord. "Come meet everyone" she said.
Meanwhile back at the hotel Harry was just starting to feel better after the most terrible bathroom experience of his life and that includes the time he walked in on Lloyd having a 'private moment'. Not able to find his phone he decided to ring it assuming it was somewhere in the room.
Lloyd, posing as Harry was having the best time he could ever remember. He'd hit it off with all of Mary's friends and was in the middle of entertaining them with his favourite party trick when the phone rang.
Lloyd's party trick was a time honoured classic.
But before Lloyd could answer the phone a sweaty, weasely looking character stepped forward his name was Baron Odious.
"I hate you all!" he screamed insanely,
"You're friendship makes me sick, how dare you be so kind and caring to each other?"
"What!?" the group said in union.
"Yes, yes, your collective friendships are sickening, helping each other, being philanthropic, wanting what's best, encouraging talent, being inclusive and loving Liberty" he spat. "I HATE YOU ALLLLLLLL."
Lloyd was incensed, even compared to his shoe size IQ this man was clearly a moron of epic proportions.
So stunned were the group that none noticed Lloyd going into full on retro Kung fu mode. After displaying his awesome skills he stepped forward and dealt the cretin a fatal blow in which he punched through his chest cavity, ripped out his still beating heart and showed it to the opinionated jerkweed before he died. Everyone cheered at the classic move.
Lloyd didn't celebrate however as the outburst had made him think about Harry and what he'd done to him in his pursuit of Mary. How could he? He felt terrible for what he'd done to this friend.
He picked up the phone to call the hotel right as Harry came bursting into the room.
"Harry!" Lloyd said "Are you ok?"
"Not really" said Harry, "My Chocolate Starfish feels like it's been attacked with a blow torch"
"Wait a minute" interrupted Mary "You're not Harry?" she said to Lloyd.
"No" said Lloyd, ashamed of himself.
Lloyd went on to explain to Harry and Mary what he'd done and why. After digesting the information Mary turned to Lloyd and said with a glint in her eye "Eh, whatever I was planning to give blue balls to all the boys anyway!"
All the lads cheered, she was their type of girl.
Harry said nothing, he just walked across the room and hugged Lloyd. "I forgive you dude" was all he said.
That's what friends do you see, they forgive each other for random druggings and identity theft in order to get laid by false pretences. If you're interested in the kind of friendships that accept your failings and help you become a better Steemian I suggest you come over to discord where Lloyd and Harry are better known as @aggroed and @ausbitbank
The first step to a better Steemit experience can be made by clicking on the link below.
https://discord.gg/HYj4yvw
As you are no doubt aware @aagroed and @ausbitbank aren't dumbasses at all, in fact they're two awesome dudes who really care about the community, they've done well at Steemit and could just sit back and enjoy the rewards. Instead they chose to stand at the gates of discord helping to share the wealth with the minnow community.
And it's not just them, there are many, many great people there waiting to help on the front line, in the background and anonymously in the shadows, helping newbies and anyone else who comes along despite what one particular detractor has stated recently in a poorly researched opinion piece.
Mary is there too posting as @crimsonclad handing out blue balls to the guys, and girls too. If that sounds weird you need to get over there and find out what its all about.
You won't regret it, there is something for everyone.
Thank you for visiting @tremednospercy
Gif by @justcallmemyth
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TremendosPercy avatar by @epicdesigns
