MY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT by @topkpop:
The #nocomfortzone Challenge
Ha, man I really had to think about what my #nocomfortzone was!
Which actually is crazy given my life.
Why you wonder?
I don’t dwell on bad things!
In my life I’ve been through a lot of struggle.
It was not only my health from early age on, but physical pain & heartbreak as well. I really had my fair share of it all.
I know, if I hadn’t gotten out of my comfort-zone into a non-comfort-zone & push through it, I would not be here anymore!
I honestly don’t know where this resilience comes from, that is just how it is.
Luckily I am able to adapt quickly, which is pure necessity.
I’ve been told many times to write down my life & experiences I made, to tell how I dealt with them.
It is a goal of mine to do so & I guess with writing this I am already getting a step closer.
I just realized, recently, why I have started but never pursued so many times… I am not ready.
I am not ready to have it all in front of me.
Writing this right at this moment, still thinking about where to begin, what to share, a rock in my stomach is forming & I am getting sweaty palms.
I honestly don’t know how far I will be able to take this.
I do not like to open the door to this world of sadness/ fear inside me, I am aware they are there, I choose to look ahead with happiness though.
ლ(╹◡╹ლ)
I am still this young child at heart in a way, even a little naive at times.
I believe in honesty & kindness first & foremost.
You need to understand, I rather have someone point out something I am doing wrong, instead of letting me wander along in ignorance, doing something in a false manner making a fool of myself or worse, harming someone ( maybe even myself ) because of it.
Sure I probably would be like… whaaat, how dare thee … ( that was the Ego screamin, lol )
Only for the first moment though, hehe.
I learned & constantly am learning, to deal fairly with situations like that, when they arise.
I try to take a step back, let it sink, check all perspectives ( again ), then appreciate the well-willed honesty wholeheartedly!
The truth isn’t always an easy chunk to swallow though, yet I long for & appreciate it.
Not everybody is like that, some don’t have the strength, but most just need their Egos stroked.
I have to know what I am dealing with & feel the need let people know who they are dealing with.
I had to learn how to wrap my honesty in a more tactful, less direct way.
Believe me when I say, I am never rude on purpose, my intentions are pure, it just doesn’t come out the way I want it to sometimes.
Wearing your heart on your tongue isn’t always a gift.
I can’t be any different, I tried.
I have to be honest & find, everybody deserves honesty, starting with ones-self.
It’s troublesome to me when I can’t find a way to communicate in that manner.
Small talk & superficialness are a real hassle for me, I need to connect on some level.
Sadly in my life, not by choice, I was surrounded by shallow, ego-driven, dishonest people that tended to not agree with my character.
My sister constantly ratted me out, saying she wanted to help me… ahahaha sure.
I on the other hand drove my parents, later only my mom ( dad abandoned us ), crazy with not speaking a word, when trying to get info from me.
This sister, just told me last year how proud she was of me, always staying true to myself.
She came to the conclusion it couldn’t have been easy.
It really wasn’t & still isn’t always, but that’s not my motivation.
I was grounded & physically put in place a lot by my mom. She constantly told me, I was like my dad.
I would get punished for not complying ( not snitching ), being to curious, not being satisfied with an answer & being to honest.
I didn’t hold up the mirror to judge, I wanted everyone ( including me ) to self reflect, it wasn’t perceived that way.
I got kicked out of the house with 17 & was sent to live with my father in Tennessee, whom I hadn’t seen in almost 8 years.
I spent my 18th birthday alone.
My stepmother was giving my dad a hard time about me being there & created a big drama.
I am jumping ahead here to tell you.....
.... there was a time I had thought to have found my counterpart.
I believed so strongly in my naive way, I did something I never wanted to do, I married him.
This was another, you should always listen to your inner voice kind of moments.
Blued eyed as I was I trusted his words & assurance, that for him honesty was the foundation of all as well.
I always believed marriage to be unnecessary, the commitment is in your mind & heart, not on a piece of paper or a ring.
We were together 15 years, married 11.
In this relationship the self-doubt that was seeded when I was a child started to grow.
I couldn’t or didn’t want to see it back then, he was jealous, controlling & very manipulative
I gave up my career, my own bank account, my home & friends in Germany to follow him to Okinawa.
Don’t get my wrong, it was a decision we made as a family back then.
I did express to him to handle this with care because loosing my independence was a great deal to me.
All my fears where met, after isolating me form my surrounding ,he began to show his true face
The disinterest towards me & my son grew even bigger, but also did the jealousy & the controlling.
Being me, loving music I couldn’t stop doing what I love.
No matter where i am, I will always make music!
One month later I established a residency in the oldest electronic club on Okinawa.
I have to evolve & eventually do, it’s a basic instinct.
This urge & resilience became the hating point for my ex-husband.
Coming from a family where alcohol is served like water, he too started to develop a drinking habit.
I want to say this much, yes he got physical, there where a broken tail bone, a broken rib & a life threatening injury on my right hand, where my tendon, nerve & vein were cut.
I was lucky to have such great doctors at the time. My hand is fully functional. Just a Frankestein-Scar is left.
In that same year, 2013, I also found my self abandoned in Okinawa.
I had to sell all my music equipment to be able to survive.
The rest of our things were shipped to his address, he was the one with the contract.
I slept in a car ( my friends ) for about 4 month. I didn’t want to leave this beautiful place, but even more I didn’t want to abandon my dogs.
I saved them & made them a promise I intend to keep!!
Beginning of December 2013, I had an apartment & a job selling cars.
Having to deal with so many things with the new apartment, legal issues, the visa, my boss decided I couldn’t dedicate my time fully to work & let me go 2 month later.
That almost broke me completely. I felt like such a failure.
I turned up in Germany with a suitcase, but my three dogs.
The divorce was done in Germany.
My Ex has been under the radar since abandoning me.
I refused to battle for alimony, don’t want anything from him & especially not the bad energy that the fight would bring.
I had a job as soon as I got to Germany & tried to stay above water with djing, my health was deteriorating though.
In January of last year I found out why, I had cancer.
On this note I would like to end this. I am a bit drained & need to take a step away from this energy.
I hope you understand <3
I want to leave you with this though…yeah , you read right, I HAD cancer!
Once cancer figured out who it was dealing with, it was like… heck no, who, what is this hardheaded individual, I am so outta here …. one thing I am doing since the discovery is to listen to that inner voice even more!
My inner voice told me, do the operation, eat even healthier, no poisons ( also no chemo or radiation )& take RSO, most of all, keep a healthy mind <3
Much, much love to you ALL!
NEVER GIVE UP!!! (-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥
I would like to nominate @dreemsteem, @mindseye-music & @hilladigahackles to the #nocomfortzone Challenge <3 <3 <3 <3