Wishing I could do so much more!
A final letter to you. That is all what's left for me to do for you. Unfortunately, because what I would have liked to do more for you. And what did I grant you to get a different farewell as what you have now had! That it had to end this way hurts, it hurts badly that this just happened to you! Such a painfully abrupt end to your life.
Suddenly!
We hope so much that we have made the right choice for you, that we have not decided too quickly to let you go. But dear Lex, you were so sick, you were so weak, and you had so little chance. You were feeling really horrible last Thursday. And suddenly so fast! So unexpected, so out of nowhere. One moment you are still playing with Myla Mouse. Boss is just like every evening giving water to all vegetables and fruit trees that we have, I was making some pictures myself, sunflowers against a setting sun. How symbolic can it be? And suddenly we heard that things were not going well with you. You had to vomit, but you couldn't.
Lexxieboy don't eat the flowers!
We thought you might have been eating from the plants again. Oh Lex, I'm sure you remember this one! How often Boss said to you, "Lexxieboy do not eat the flowers!", and then it seemed like you were laughing, you were pulling a mischievous snout and walking quietly to a piece of grass or weeds. Perhaps you had eaten some weeds that you could not tolerate, or maybe you had started eating sand again. But that would be weird, because you ate more often sand and you never got sick of it. At the second time I heard that you had to vomit, and nothing came out again, I went to you. Boss was already with you, and he told me that your stomach was completely swollen. I was shocked, and immediately went inside to call my sister and her friend. I immediately thought of the dreaded stomach torsion and I knew only one thing for sure. You had to go to a vet as soon as possible. That means to us because we no longer have a car that we always have to ask someone else to ride. And now every second would count for you.
Panic, you needed a vet!
The attempts to vomit became more intense, your stomach swelled harder and white foam came out of your mouth. We tried to support you and keep you calm. And sweet as you always were, you put your whole trust in us. You stayed with us while you became weaker by the second, and we see you become more and more miserable. The foam that came out of your mouth became more and more and there was also blood dripping out of your mouth. Boss and I looked at each other and hoped that we could reach the vet on time, before it was too late for you. Transport was on its way and the vet was informed that we were coming with you.
You won't go into the car!
Last Thursday you could hardly walk anymore, you were already so weakened. Yet you tried to turn away from that car when boss and I lead you to the car. That's what boss and I thought was weird Lex. Driving has always been your biggest hobby. And now that you finally got back in a car, you did not want to get in? Was it just because you knew that car wasn't ours, and were you afraid that we won't go with you? I hope it isn't this, because Lex, you had to know, we would never leave you! Or have you already felt that it would be your last ride in your life? I wish I knew what went through you then. What do you think Lex? I wish you could just tell me!
Rushing to the vet!
Once we got in the car we decided that my sister would stay home with your friends and you went to the vet with boss, me and sister's boyfriend. You were sitting with boss in the back seat, and you also seem to find your positive attitude again. You fought against the vomiting and even tried to enjoy driving. As we were used to, you put your muzzle on the parcel shelf and went to look outside. Unfortunately, the blood kept coming out of your mouth so we knew your condition was getting worse.
A stomach torsion with spleen bleeding!
Once at the vet she was waiting for us outside, and you had to be lifted from the car by boss because you could not walk anymore. On the stretcher inside and there you were the first to get an infusion against the pain. A quick examination showed that you indeed had the dreaded stomach torsion, and that you also had a spleen bleeding due to the rotation of your stomach. Your oxygen was already pinched and your stomach was full of poisonous flows by now. The vet gave us 3 choices. Try to poke you so that your stomach would empty, the gas could go out through the hole and then hope that your stomach would turn back enough to be able to probe you so that the poison could get out of your stomach. But the chance that it would succeed in this way was so small that she was already almost certain that after this you would have to undergo surgery, and of course you still had that spleen bleeding. That was an extra complication, which meant you had to undergo surgery, and the chance of a good outcome was even smaller than he already was! To put you under anesthetic and hope that you would survive that operation was already a big risk, with a small chance of survival, but the chance that you would come out of the operation well and would really recover, that was almost not present.
We had to choose ... To say goodbye!
And then the third option. The option of which almost every dog owner knows that this is going to happen. But of which every dog boss hopes that it will not happen. The hardest and toughest option, but we felt it as the most honest option towards you. Save you from further suffering and let you go. Say goodbye to you forever. But Lexxieboy, never ever think we wanted to make that choice. We have made the choice out of love for you, because we wanted to save you even more suffering. You had suffered more then enough in your life ...
Your Story!
And that Lexxieboy, is a story, what it deserves to be told. Because what did you have to experience a lot during your life? Life was really not easy for you. But what were you easy for life. What were you easy to live with. You were always happy for all the little things you could get. Unfortunately, your allergies only made it less and less. You were always happy if you could eat bread for breakfast. But because of your gluten allergy you could not have that anymore. Although we have sometimes bought gluten-free bread for you as a treat. And then you were feasting, you looked at us with your eyes and was really very grateful that you had received something like that.
Funtimes with cocktail nuts!
With snacks the same story, a lot of what you liked, you could not have. Boss and you always did a nice game together with cocktail nuts. Do you remember Lex? Boss a borrelnootje before rolling away, and you it with your paw, well ... say but rest easy big legs, stop and then delicious to play with it before you eat it. You enjoyed these little things. And boss enjoyed you having fun and enjoying it!
Guardian Angels for you Lexxieboy!
Boss was always happy that you had a guardian angel on your shoulder so he could save you from the shelter where you spent four years. At the age of one year you have already sprung from the dance of death. Did you actually know that? Probably you did, you were always a very smart guy! When boss encountered you in the shelter, he immediately fell in love with you, and that love was mutual! You were also crazy about boss! Boss was everything for you and as long as you could be with boss, it was good for you. Unconditional loyalty you gave to your boss and you gave your trust completely!
Subscription to the vet!
Soon after the boss had taken you out of the shelter you got a 'subscription' to the vet. And every week you cheerfully went to the vet with the boss. I write cheerfully, and I really mean that, because no matter how miserable you felt, you were always happy. You also had humor! You also kept your happy self with the vet, and you looked around the corner of the door with your mischievous snout. But whatever happens, you had unlimited trust in boss and you allowed everything. You were quickly known to the vet and everyone loved you. You stole everyone's heart with your loyalty and your sweet face.
You stole my heart!
In 2012 I met your boss and soon I got to know you too. And again you had stolen a heart more. I too fell for your charms. Your wise gray snout and your beautiful faithful look. The way you are cheerful and free to meet everyone, with your unconditional confidence in the people and especially in your boss. If boss liked it, it was good for you too. You were super thin and it was clear that the allergies were a big problem. Baas had already stopped going to the vet every week because you did not get better, rather the opposite. But even then you were happy and positive, you played when you could. Together with my boss, with me and also with Lana when she was taken by the boss and me out of the shelter where you also made acquaintance with her.
Back to a farmhouse!
And slowly there was worked towards a new period in your life. You also got to know Rowan and Myla together with me, and we went for hours of walks with all of you, we went to play and we went to the boat on weekends. How wonderful it was to see your enjoying snout if you were allowed to sit on the boat on deck ... The ride to the boat where you sat with Rowan and Myla in the back seat. You quietly looking out and Rowan and Myla were worried about being allowed to come along. You found it best, and once again you showed your ability to trust. If boss did it, you thought it was good. And even now I was amazed by your stable character. Your modesty, but still your emphatic presence. Another great adventure was our move. You will no doubt have felt almost like coming home. After all, you were born on a farm, and you had lived there until you ended up in the shelter at the age of one. And now so many years later, you came to live on a farm again. What did you enjoy the freedom. Work together with Myla Muis and boss outside in the yard. And what did we enjoy it to see you so happy! Everywhere we went outside, you were there, every step we take ... you were by our side. Just being happy to be with us, enjoying our company and enjoying the space you had.
Missing you!
There were 2 moments a day Lex on which you took the lead. And where you clearly showed what you wanted. As quiet as you always were, so clearly let you know if you were hungry. And you know that I often have been bothered by the loud barking if you wanted to have your cup of kibble! What will make you laugh now, when you hear me say that I just miss your barking. Yes you hear the good, sweet Lex, I miss your barking. I miss that no one is barking like it's the woofs mac drive here at home. I miss that you are not barking at Rowan now that he has to keep quiet. I miss your gray snout who looks at me happily when I've been away for a while. I miss your faithful look that tells me that you want to talk to me for a moment, and the way in which you indicated with your paw that you wanted to be tickled. I miss your walk to the door which told me it was time to go outside. I miss your faithful eyes who look at me questioning in the morning whether you can sleep in bed. I miss ... ah Lexxieboy, I miss your presence. I miss your sweet character, your sweet face and just your being. Dear Lexxieboy, We miss YOU!
Of course we have 3 dogs at home, and they are all equally sweet to me. But they are not Lexxieboy. They are not you. And you were unique with all your being. Like you, there is no other. And they too miss you.
Broken hearts!
And then we are back at last Thursday evening. The evening we had to let you go. The evening on which you made your last ride to the vet. The evening when the heart of boss and me is broken and the evening when your heart stopped beating for good. The evening when you had to close your eyes forever. The evening when life has come to a standstill and a beautiful soul has gone to the 'eternal dog paradise'.
What did you feel?
I would have loved to know what you thought and what you felt. But I will never know. You can not tell me Lex. And even if you could tell it, Would you have told me? Or had you kept quiet, just to make it less difficult for us? Because that's how you were, a loyal friend, a big support ... always willing to give yourself away. The only thing I hope is that you have felt safe until your last moments. That you have felt supported and that you have known that boss and I were there for you. That we love you so much, and that we therefore let you go. Way out of this life, free from further suffering, but never away from us.
Boss loved you when he picked you up in the shelter to go home, and the boss also loved you when he decided to say goodbye to you last Thursday. I loved you from the moment I met you, and I also loved you when I said goodbye to you on Thursday evening. And now you're out of this life ... but you know Lex, our love for you just continues to exist.
Deafening Silence!
So unexpected and so ... I do not really have any words for it. I can not understand it yet, it is still so unreal. You're still playing like that, and you're gasping for breath. So you still enjoy the sun and so you lie on the table at the last infusion at the vet. So you look at me in the morning when waking up cheerfully questioning and so close your eyes forever, so you bark against Rowan and so you will be silent forever ... And that silence is ... deafening!
Must come to an end,
And we had to say goodbye
To you Lexxieboy, our very best friend.
The house will seem so still,
Now that you are gone.
There'll be no you to wake me up
To go outside at dawn.
Your bowl will be there empty,
But I'll leave it with the others in their place.
No more will water drip down
From your thirsty, furry face.
There'll be no Lexxieboy to bark
When the other dogs bark if the paper boy comes by.
It's going to be one of those moments
When I'm sure I'll want to cry.
And yes there are three other dogs
But they are just not you
And even though we love them just as much
They too are missing you
But I know the day will come,
When my tears will finally fade,
And I'll focus on the good times,
and all the fetch we played.
So until the day that we
Can be together once again,
I'll keep your memory alive
'Til we meet in Heaven, my dear friend
You may be gone, but you NEVER will be forgotten!
We love you Lex!
