Financial Collapse!
(Quite obviously my beautiful daughter, the younger years ;) )
A disastrous decision. Not 2008 yet but we were struggling. BIG TIME. We had an adored child and a business. The adored child was flourishing. The business, not so much, all though we had done (deceptively) well previously. Ridiculous amounts of credit were flung at us and we (my husband and I) were young. Coping started NOT to happen. Of course the adored daughter had to attend the best school. In South Africa private schools are desirable, public (government) schools less so, depending on the area the school is situated. Previously "white" area schools tend to be more sought after.
A dark night of the soul. One very long night I had to face the painful truth. I could not afford my daughter's private school. As a parent you want the best for your children and the decision felt like a betrayal. I considered that I had a small baby boy and the way things were at the moment there was NO WAY I could afford the fees at a private school for two children, and would it be fair to only afford the first child such an opportunity?
I held a bias. More money meant better quality, right? After considering my limited options in the small town where we reside, I decided to go with a new Christian school set on a scenic location, that was half the price of the private school my daughter attended, but still double the price of the government school. The Christian thing didn't mean much to me, the previous private school my daughter attended was also Christian. And this meant to me that good values would be instilled in the kids. Nothing wrong with this, hey.
The school in the hills, that was new
(the view from the school grounds, so beautiful)
An uneventful start. Despite the bit of a "trek" (truly South African term for journey) to get to the school and back. All seemed okay to my un-enquiring mind. And she got to have horse riding lessons as part of the syllabus. I was paying more than I would for the government school so all should be fine, right?
Fast forward. Almost three years. My baby boy, not a baby any more, was attending the preschool. I had another baby and they even looked after him, though he was only a few months old. My daughter grew a little older and then I started to hear "things". "Mom, the earth is only 6000 years old, that's what they say in the Bible." "Mom, don't buy grape juice, it is the fruit of the vine and not allowed." My daughter, always a free spirit, was not fitting in and I was disturbed by what I heard. I believe in God. I also happen to believe that God is God across all religions. This fundamentalist stuff was beginning to disturb me. A LOT.
Then there was the bullying incident. The bully and his family had more money than us and were better at "sucking up"than me. My daughter's life was spiralling into misery. Her good friend had emigrated to Australia with her parents, and my daughter started to be bullied. Bullies are a red flag to me. There might just have been a "general" letter about the situation that won letter of the week at the local newspaper...(at least I won a Parker pen!). I confronted the headmistress/owner over some of their "Biblical" statements and received a snippy, "yes, that is what we believe."
Idiot that I was I STILL believed that private was better than government, but was terribly conflicted. Don't even ask - I could still not decide what to do (IDIOT, yes I know), I entered and won a competition run by our local newspaper to have a free consultation with a pyschic at a convention at our town's newly built casino, ironically near the school. I had one burning question in my mind - the school. The psychic started to tell me about my children, and suddenly exclaimed, without me asking may I add, that my daughter was in the grip of a cult!!!
It was near the end of the year, so I gave notice that my three children would be leaving at the end of the year. I had no choice in this matter, as the government school would not accept my daughter at that late stage of the year. The teachers and headmistress then engaged in subtle forms of bullying my daughter. Maybe my sons too, but they were too young to say. My daughter felt it though, and it was simply awful.
I had made a BIG mistake, that's for sure
When you are a parent you are obsessed with your child, especially if s/he is your first. Soon after my child was eventually enrolled in the satisfactory government school, I discovered that the previous private school did not even have the proper accreditation. I had just presumed/trusted that a legitimate looking school with nice premises and a uniform was above board. There have always been a lag with friendships too. In a small town friendships are often forged in pre-school, and she had moved around too much. My daughter struggled through the years to recover the from the deficit of academics. She's in Grade 12 now, and has eventually reached her potential, but nothing has been easy for her.
(a little older, and unfortunately a little wiser)
Guilt!
Of course I felt guilty. I messed up. But somewhere along the line I realised...that at all time I had done my best for my daughter. Life has been quite horrible at times, BUT I DID MY UTMOST. As the years have gone by, I see the beautiful young woman she has become, I see how mature she is compared to her fellow students, and I, as well as many who come into contact with her, KNOW that there is something special about her. She is what some describe as an "old soul". Maybe my mistakes were part of her soul's journey?
I don't feel guilty anymore. I DO feel proud, as well as humbled. Thank you for reading, as always.