Advocate - Warrior

It's semantics as far as what my mission is, but seizing a warrior title feels much stronger than stating, "I'm an advocate."

^{commencing vlog launch in T-minus...}

I've come to terms with the idea that I am, in fact, a champion for change when it comes to understanding Asperger's. Trust me when I say this is not a new venture. I've been learning coping mechanisms my entire life in order to be accepted in "normal" circles because I need people. Human connection. A sense of belonging.

Just like everybody else.

There have been decades where I've adamantly stated how much I hate people. People suck. People are mean. You're all pod people and Stepford wives. Fuck you if you can't make an awkward, shy little girl feel welcome...even for one measly second.

I prayed for death so many times

I think I was about 11 years old the first time I thought about suicide. It would be so easy to end my inner pain and turmoil if I wasn't alive anymore.

Every day hurt.
Every day felt like someone was poking the open wound that was me.

Completely infected with the barrage of negativity, I was consumed with loathing.

I even went as far as sneaking a knife to my room and picking a juicy vein.

^{Practically translucent then as I am now, I had a few potential gushers to select from.}

And as I sat there, crying my eyes out because I didn't want to feel any more pain and rejection, there was a voice in my head that said:

Your mother's gonna be pissed when she's got to clean up the blood.

Dammit!

^{I think I feared my mother's wrath and father's disappointment more than anything else on the planet.}

---

I thought about hanging myself in the closet but didn't want a slow death. I had no idea how long it would take to suffocate. Would it hurt? I wanted to stop the pain not perpetuate it in a physical manifestation.

Defeated and feeling cowardly, I sneaked the knife back to the kitchen and slunk back to my room...and took all my hate, aggression and pain out in a notebook. I shredded pages with my pen. I wrote all kinds of cuss words in BIG BOLD LETTERS.

It was a liberating exercise

I don't have to die! I can kill instead.

Fiction became my therapy

^{and I've been joyfully bloodletting ever since. All hail the power of the pen!}

---

What does this have to do with Asperger's Syndrome?

I've always felt like an alien in a human body. I didn't have the benefit of early intervention. Asperger's didn't exist as a mainstream dysfunction. The day I put down the knife and picked up a notebook is the day I stopped looking inward; stopped focusing on pain and rage and began to look outward at the world.

If I want to be included then I had to stop being an alien and start being human.

BUT HOW?

Observation. Mimicry. Lots of practice.

My will had to overcome my anxiety.
One of my gifts has always been the ability to compartmentalize. It was time to use that gift on myself to see ME through objective eyes.

I learned to smile on cue. I learned to laugh within a split second of everyone else even if I didn't understand the joke because I could look it up later. I learned how to take turns in conversation. I learned to use different tones in my voice so I didn't talk like a monotone robot.

I learned that asking questions might make me look foolish but there was always at least one other fool who didn't have the nerve to ask but was thankful that I did.

---

The older I got the more confident I felt in my human skin. I began talking about Asperger's and complete strangers stopped to thank me because they felt like they were hiding in plain sight and sincerely thought they were alone.

Well, you are not alone!

And the added benefit of being vocal about Asperger's is educating the people who love an Aspie too.

---

I hope you join me and share my story with all the quirky, odd, weird, socially inadequate people you know because I've got a fire lit under me and I'm not stopping!

I will be looking for people to interview in the very near future.

Where you can find me:

• My YouTube channel where you can like & subscribe to all the splatter I post or...
• Just the HIPS playlist
• I'm also on Patreon where all the content is free but sponsors are appreciated.

_{Follow me on Twitter}
^{Join my curation trail on Streemian}