In my 7 years of parenting (and more to come), I had my fair share of getting angry and bursted out like a volcano eruption. There were times I was as calm as a river where you could hear birds chirping happily and bees buzzing away, but there were times I was as stormy as a rough sea, like tsunami engulfing everything (yes I exaggerated abit to kind of show you the big difference, but I did feel like a female Hulk at times. Gee..please don't judge me.)
In my opinion, every parents get angry at their child/children. It does not help when you also have other responsibilities and commitments on your shoulder; you are rushing to work for urgent appointment, your spouse is not well and needs your care too, you have pile-up housechores to do, you have an unfinished task or project at business, another sick child to attend to, expectations from school and teachers, you are heavily pregnant or still breastfeeding a baby - so on and so forth - well I can tell you the list will be very long if all mamas and papas join their list here.
Children are such admirable little being with cute face and innocent tone and contagious laughter, but they can in a moment become abominable little monster with cranky face and whiny tone and infectious cry, one which may drive you crazy if happens at the wrong time and at the wrong state of mind. In my earlier years of parenting, I had many times of falling short of calmness whenever I felt powerless or helpless in such situation. Still fresh as a mum, I always tried to control my son when he was uncontrollable. Failing to do so, I, unknowingly, yelled at him in order to control him. There were few times, I, too, became a monster and I spanked him. True enough, things got worse. My son cried louder. It affected everyone and the homely environment. Sometimes, it triggered a quarrel between me and my spouse.
Therefore, I had vowed to be a better mother and a better wife. I remembered I spent nights praying and repenting, hours of reading articles, counselling blogs and parenting website to help me out. Thank goodness I became better as I grow in my parenting. My husband also told me recently I am really a good wife and a good mum. I am still nowhere near perfect and I think I will never be, I will still have my bouts of meltdown or sometimes yelling, I still never able to control my children because they have their own choices and self-will like any other human beings do, but I have mastered a few ways to control myself, just before I transform into female Hulk. And the art of controlling myself helps my children to control themselves eventually.
Three (3) Ways to Control Myself
Throughout the years of parenting my firstborn with alot of trials and errors, coupled with parenting my 2nd son who has CDH (a deadly congenital disease), I have found 3 ways to control myself to calm down; in both anger management and anxiety management (because we had faced many traumas living in ICU and
hospital for 4 months after my 2nd son was born, plus countless emergency that happened at home).
1. Calm Down: Relax & Breathe
This is the first and foremost I will do when I face any triggers from my children, before I am going to be a Hulk. Often, the trigger will be due to overwhelming situation that causes me to feel helpless, not so much so of the children's fault per se. So in order not to victimize my children, I have rewired my system to do breathing technique before my anger successfully kicks in. Many times it works although with few failures whereby anger kicks in before I get to calm down, still it works the best for me.
Example of a situation: It was a day for hospital appointment. (Usually during this day, I will be abit panicky of what lies ahead, fearing bad news as well as any further procedures that need to be done on Jansen.) There was one appointment that my 1st born desperately wanted to go together. Since he never had the chance before, we complied and allowed him to skip school. But he was not in a good mood and was cranky on that day, causing some havoc in the house. I knew I was about to lose it to make this remark, "If I knew you are not able to cooperate today, I would not have let you go with us. I made a mistake allowing you. So you better cooperate before I send you back to school!" (I know this sounds so mean, but that is what anger will do to you - it screws up your usage of words).
What I did: Knowing his crankiness was not his usual self, and since I had practised "calm down technique" to be my default mode, I refrained myself from talking and did a fast breathing technique. Just take a deep breathe in from nose till it filled up all your lungs 5 counts. Then breathe out slowly through your mouth for 10 counts. Repeat few rounds. I guarantee in no time your whole brain and body will relax and calm down. Later I found out my firstborn son was equally as nervous and panic as I was due to it was his first time, and he did not know how to handle the emotion hence the misbehaviour. Breathing technique helped me to calm down, thus preventing me from wrongly scolding my firstborn.
2. Mutter, Utter and/or Ponder
In all the times I made mistakes and then was guilt-driven in the past, I had compiled a few rescue-love-based-lines or "mantra of love" for me to mutter, utter and/or ponder should there be any power struggle arises between me and my children. I have spent my years of drilling them into my subconscious so that during moments of my children pushing my buttons, these lines will keep me sane. Mutter = say it under your breathe. Utter = say it out loud, usually I do this in front of my mirror, saying it to myself. Ponder = think about those lines with all my heart and making a solid decision. My rescue lines that I have uttered, muttered and pondered:
- Children are innocent - As much as they drive you to your nerves, they are innocent giving the consideration that their brain is still developing and really many times they just do not know how to handle a situation except to be cranky, whiny or throw tantrum. Since you are the adult with a developed brain, you should control yourself rather than asking your children to control themselves. They should not be the victim of your anger.
- Children need us to rescue them - Because they are still developing in their emotion and thoughts pattern, children need their parents to find out their self-worth and self-esteem. Most of the time, they misbehave due to inability to handle big feelings. So big adults, go and help them instead of scolding them.
- All children need is love and acceptance and the best person to give them is you, their parents - Would not want my children to seek others' love and acceptance at the expense of mine. Better gain them than losing them to peer influence.
- Only love today - Family unit is the most important unit in view of building a wholesome healthy future generation. I want love to perpetuate in my family line so that in the future I see them exhibit the same thing to their children, and the cycles continue from generations to generations.
- This is not an emergency, so don't rush and fight - I use this often when my children fight. Instead of stomping into the scene like another giant cranky child, I mutter to myself first to get my sanity so that I can intervene to help the siblings. In my correct state of mind, after talking, persuading and discussing with them, usually they will end up laughing, or either one give in.
Example of a situation: I was already running late as later need to bring my husband to see doctor, so I wanted to prepare lunch for the children before we went out. And when I was busy cooking in the kitchen, my eldest screamed at the top of lungs then stomping his feet into the room and crying out his lungs. The second son, being terrified by the loud scream and cry, cried together too.
What I did: I almost lost it but I was on time to do breathing technique and muttered "Okay they need my rescue, NOT SCOLDING". I switched off the fire, picked my 2nd son, off we went to the room to spot the crying boy. Asked them one by one what happened with calm voice. Reasoned with the younger one he needed to learn to share. Reasoned with the older one to give little brother chances to learn in sharing. After a few moments of tearing and still pointing fingers, I managed to teach them about love. They ended passing each others' toys to each other, swapping toys. And I could go to kitchen and continue my cooking and thank goodness no more another round of quarreling.
3. Respond and Not React
After the above calm-down technique and mutter-utter-ponder-technique, I learn to respond to my children instead of reacting. In this, I have to purposefully be mindful to use the correct tone and the correct words with a calm face when I face them. If there is a moment where anger is overwhelming, I will tell them that mummy needs to settle down to think how to go about the situation. This is to help me not to react with anger. Anger kills any morale.
Example of a situation: One day, I picked my son up after his school and we were both in the car. He was extremely hungry so he asked for food. Unfortunately I forgot to bring money so I told him we would go home to eat. Feeling extremely hungry, he could not hold himself together and started kicking the back of my seat. I once made a mistake and reacting to his anger by saying angrily, "So this is what you did when you are hungry huh? Now it is making us not safe because I am driving and you are kicking me. I am about to pull over and drop you at the side of the street until you calm down." (I know I sounded mean, well, I had learned a better way).
What I did: It happened again another time, difference was I brought money but not enough, lol. This time I managed to calm down and I told him it was mummy's mistake and that mummy understood he was hungry. I apologized for being not organized and asked him to see how I could perform magic to reach home to get his snack to munch. Reminded him not to kick my back seat again as it might hurt my backbone too. Asked him what he needed to calm down and he asked for my phone to play games. He was still whiny a little bit but manageable. We reached home on time for his bun just before he exploded due to hunger. Later on I found out, he was scolded and bullied by his friend at school. A few took his stuffs and never returned to him. Hugs and love.
The art of controlling yourself rather than asking your children to control their tantrum has a lot of benefits. Not only will it make you look good (sulky face is never pleasant), it is healthy for your own's soul and body. As a bonus, your children get to learn this art as they witness how you handle it from day to day. The ultimate result is a happier you and a happier home. This fosters a healthy environment for healthy development in a smiling home. Good for everyone!
P/S: There were times I failed to apply the above ways on time, but I have learned to not beat myself up. I forgive myself, apologize to my children and my husband, and we together aim to be better again.
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