When you take psilocybin you feel generally, a great sense of community. An ascent to a higher level. If you completely restrict your intake of intoxicants of any sort then you get the tea tootler type personality which is characterized by incredible smugness, limited intellectual horizons and an unbearable aura of self-congratulations that makes it pretty hard for the rest of us to put up with.
– Terence McKenna
All of my insecurities and my fears bubble to the surface of my consciousness. The desire to know my place in the world occupies my mind. I want to know how I am portrayed in the minds of others.
Am I liked?
My self-confidence wavers and I question my acceptance.
Am I a burden to this world?
I wonder if I am just a measuring device. A metaphorical yardstick that others can compare themselves to. How do I measure up?
Am I enjoyable?
Would it even matter if I died?
Unceasing questions roll around inside my head like a boulder shattering the fragile glass of who I am. A focus within that questions my very existence.
The self is just an illusion.
A subtle shift in focus and my awareness moves to the external. A focus so intense that I notice things that are normally unseen. The acid in my drink slowly fizzing away my teeth, corroding away the enamel trying to reach the rich calcium underneath. I see microscopic imperfections in an ordinary playing card and feel the sand grains between the ridges of my finger prints. My hand melts into the table as matter becomes one and my mind can no longer maintain the illusion of separate objects.
Its all just an illusion.
Sarcasm has no meaning. Jokes go over my head. Or maybe I just don’t care because of their general lack of meaning. I feel the muscles in my face twitch and contract. Micro expressions that normally occur below my conscious awareness are observed by the perceiver within. I can feel the pain of others and their emotions. I notice the subtle acts that divert attention away. A change in the subject of conversation and tensions pass.
We are afraid to say what’s on our minds, to express ourselves, and to express our emotions. We fear our own vulnerability. We speak through filters and we move the conversation on. We ignore what is uncomfortable.
Sweep it under the table at which we sit.
Time slows to a crawl. It becomes infinite. An awkward emotional response seems to last days. A thought comes and a scenario plays out in my mind. Seconds pass that feel like hours.
Thoughts enter my mind and fade constantly. They are only glimpses of the information that actually exists in space. The brain is merely a faucet and information is as vast as an ocean.
Too much for one brain to handle.
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Through the lens of my ego everything in life is a competition. My job allows me to buy stuff and say things like:
Look at what I have
This is what I’m worth
Don’t I make an attractive mate?
How do I measure up compared to you? Who has more power between us?
I compare myself to you. But Why? Why do such things matter?
For some reason I have to experience life subjectively, even though we are made of the same consciousness. I don't fully understand why though. At least not in this moment. I am human, but what does that mean?
One consciousness separated by matter, formulating the foundation of this very real illusion.
Its all an illusion.
Have I ever actually looked into a mirror and seen the image that I put forth in the world?
Am I an experiment in evolution? An experiment of God?
Do you get more or less satisfaction when you look at me?
How does my image affect my life experience?
I am here only temporarily, experiencing a human experience.
I am here to view this world, to store information to bring back to the source so that a new world can be re-created a million times over.
For eternity.
Evolution is god experimenting with itself.
We were once dinosaurs but now we are humans.
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Thought? Comments?