What do you hold dear in life? What motivates you and guides you to be who you are and how you are? Do your children know this about you? Do you want them to carry your values or would you rather they build them entirely from experience?
Like it or not, everything influences us in some way. Even the smallest event can be the catalyst for a chain of occurrences that create a lasting impression on a person. And, children are very impressionable.
When it comes to hopes and dreams for our children, most would agree that 'be happy' is pretty high on the list and for many, will supersede everything else on the list. But, being happy seems to actually be a very complicated thing to be and this is partly due to the complexity of what we value in life.
Often our values and our desires are in a conflicted position that requires justification to work with. This means to satisfy one, we may have to break another. How does happiness fit in with this compromise of the self?
Now, if we are conflicted, what does this mean for our children? Likely, we are going to have an effect on how they view their world and what they value in life. They will pick this up through various ways from watching our actions, how we treat people, how we speak about certain subjects, the stories we tell of our lives and of course, the conversations we have directly with them.
But, do we want them to have the same values as our own or is it beneficial if they had a less conflicted, perhaps less complicated set?
I used to be a pack a day smoker. It is a long story I will tell one day, but I did it for health reasons. What started off as a couple a day, quickly progressed as addictive habits do. I haven't smoked in about 6 years now.
Should I tell my daughter one day? Should I tell her about all of the things I have done that may be frowned upon and I might not want her to do?
I personally value authenticity. If my daughter asks, what should I tell her? Do I demonstrate my authentic self and tell her what I know or lie? Many seem only willing to be authentic when it is in their best interest and shows them in good light. Is this authentic? If my daughter believes my curated life, what does she feel she must 'live up' to?
And this leads onto another variable, life curation. Curating one's view of themselves for the audience must be as old as time itself. Even animals groom to impress. In this day and age, a curated life is broadcast on every surface available. It comes in the form of social media, keeping up appearances, virtue signalling, advertising and anywhere else some value can be garnered from manipulating viewpoints.
Children are going to be born into this world of curation and being able to discover their authentic self through the noise and pressures of the word is going to get increasingly difficult as 'success' is often tied to reputation and reputation benefits from curation.
How can a child be happy when what they feel inside and think of the world, may not match up with the curated view everyone appears to live?
Now, I don't think a parent has a massive chance of successfully training all of the values that they have themselves or all the ones they may want a child to have.
I do however believe that a parent should give a child the space to learn what interests them and enjoy freely and as openly as possible. A safe-ish space in which to be curious and experiment with life.
This doesn't mean to only step back and watch. A parent can be part of the journey, be a support and a guide when needed if a child gets trapped into a corner and requires assistance.
But to guide, I think that one must understand if they themselves are conflicted between wants and values and check to see if their words and actions are demonstrating who they are well, or giving a curated view.
I also believe that parents that do this will discover many new things about themselves that they have not considered earlier and this may change the experience and even create an environment where joy can flourish. Maybe it would begin with a small event that catalyses a chain reaction that will be something that makes an impression on a child. Or perhaps more importantly, an impression on the parent who will raise a child.
I wonder, with all the talk about protecting values, how many actually know what values they really hold, which they live by, which are spoken but not acted, which are obsolete or harmful and, which they are demonstrating to their loved ones?
Here are a few that I would like in myself.
Authenticity, Curiosity, Boldness, Leadership, Humour, Peace, Inner harmony, Wisdom, Trustworthiness, Self-Respect and of course Love.
I do not have them all and I have no idea how I will approach these and others but, I am curious, so willing to try to discover. In my opinion, these cannot just be words said, or even actions in hope of, they must be understood deeply to be a value, torn apart to see how they tick, what they truly mean and how they manifest.
We want lots of things for our children, we may even demand some things from them at times. I think, if I want something for my daughter, I better understand it as well as I possibly can myself.
One I left off the list above and will add now is for me, perhaps the most important value, Responsibility. She and I are in this together and I will do all I can to make sure that in time, she doesn't need me for anything.
But, whatever happens, she will always have my love.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
