Someone recently said people think I'm "rude and lazy" and it really stuck with me.
If that's how my friends see me then so be it, it was actually said while telling me I need someone else to deal with people because people say I'm rude and lazy.
For those that don't know me, I put more than 40 hours a week into software development, while I am in a community that was built on top of software, with no other active developers, so I literally do any and all work there is to do. At the same time I usually work on several private contracts while doing an office job twice a week.
What hurt me is that I personally spent day in and day out giving up work time to tutor the person that called me rude and lazy in javascript. I poured in 8 weeks of my life 3 days a week, it drew to an end when after 8 weeks of assistance, the dude didn't invest any work to apply the new lessons learnt, just complained daily and handed me broken code to fix for him, every time ignoring the lessons and explanations of what needs to be done differently. Eventually I had to accept the time was wasted on someone who was actually to lazy to take the opportunity and learn from it, or too rude to respect the time I gave him, since he more than dragged his feet all the way through, it I was to describe it it was more like playing dead, I got tired of wasting my breath, when he eventually told me I should do his work and he'll figure out how to pay me, I'm really actually quite hurt and pissed off at how everyone treats me, I think I need to take a break or something. Bare in mind all the effort I put in was just casual help from a genuinely concerned programmer trying to help someone who asked for help. I do a lot of work on stacktrace and github, and I was just in the mode of helping people and did so.
I'm beginning to think I'm too nice to everyone and that's why everyone is sitting back throwing judgement my way, perhaps people find me discouraging and just stop pulling any weight, I kind of feel like if I was actually rude people wouldn't treat me like such a pushover.
It feels like everyone just keeps telling me what I haven't done yet, it feels like everyone else is having families and problems and social lives and I just get to work on projects, while everyone complains about what they can (in their own idle boredom) think of that I haven't done yet.
I might have accidentally just created another form of politics that screws me over every day. It makes me feel like Cinderella being bossed around by her own family, I find it very hurtful and that's why I eventually get angry because I don't ever say anything about it.
I wonder sometimes if its just me and if everyone is actually fair, but my experience always reminds me of these things. I wonder if its just how people with my starsign, destiny or physiology might feel like, try to blame it on circumstance and coincidence.
Meh.