Ulog 8 On turning 40, 50, 60 years and what's left?

I have this amusement that I muse over in my head every time I reach one of these zero birthdays.

I raised up a child to maturity from 20 to 40 years old. And three children by the time I was 45. It felt like an entire lifetime. It felt like the great lifetime accomplishment. In fact, at 20, I thought raising children was the only great lifetime accomplishment. It was the only one I really wanted.

When I reached 40, I felt a little panicky. Partly it was because my life was in complete turmoil. It was in a turmoil of my own making because I was no longer being the good wife holding my then-husband's life together. I was also losing grip on holding my children's lives together. That was the part that bothered me. But 40. That's suppose to be right next to useless and dead!

Well, of course, obligations and etc kept me from feeling useless. I was feeling next to dead but that was from exhaustion.

I felt like I had moved into a different country far away from my life at 20. I realized I was moving into a space of creating an entirely different life.

I had no idea how different.

But I also realized that by the time I reached sixty, I would live the same amount of time that it took me to raise my children. I would have time to create another "life's work", another life time of sorts!

So It's kind of become a tradition to realize again that in the next 20 years, I will live as long as it took me to raise my kids. And to just wonder what it will be like.

The deeper I got into the 40's, I was also completely alarmed to find out that the women ahead of me by 5 to 10 years still didn't know who they were -- still were trying to figure out who they wanted to be when they grew up! What the hell? Aren't they suppose to know by that point?

What do you mean you don't know your favorite color? Isn't one single favorite color for children? Don't you have a whole palette by now?

And. They were also untrustworthy. Over 50 and still wandering around without a decent set of morals and ethics to be an anchor in their lives! How? Why? Do they like being aimless? No. They also seemed quite angry about being aimless. Hmmm I decided maybe I should re-examine all my recently acquired anger and rebellion.

By 50 years, the girl I was at 20 was someone I knew briefly at some point in my past. The woman of 40 was such a huge opposite from where I was at 50. I was entering possibly the last 20 years of my life. My last great works. What would they be? I didn't know. But I was firmly attached to my code of ethics and moral moorings.

I thought.

As I turn 60, now, the 20 year old is someone that someone else knew and then told me about. The 40 year old was some crazy woman I once encountered. The whole decade of being 50 years old reminds me of the years between 10 and 20. Lots of growing up, lots of learning, lots of moving toward a general goal.

In my 50's I had my red-pill moments regarding the food supply chain and how little "they" care about trashing our DNA. This led to multiple red-pill moments regarding the medical industry.

I had my red-pill moments about religion. Strangely, it is easier to walk with Yehovah (God) without organized religions. It's actually highly advisable that one does not leave logic at the door when seeking Yehovah.

I also came to realize ever so deeply that money is not the value, what it buys is the value. Value is determined by how desperately we want to eat, have shelter, and avoid physical and spiritual damage. And. We may or may not trade money to obtain these necessities.

I've reached a point where I can #walkaway from any system that is not beneficial and not ethical. I'm not willing to spend time on being angry about the betrayals of systems and governments. No. I'd rather spend time helping someone else wade through their own red-pill moments. Walking away is difficult and very often leaves a person without a decent support system.

So Now, All of that said ...

Entering my 60's, I would be dishonest to not admit something. Now, I re-encounter all those fears we see at 20 years. Will I get to keep the one I love? (He's not allowed to go first!) Will I actually complete my goals? Will I really be able to make a difference? Who will be for me and who will be against me?

Yet, I am not raging against the wind and my moorings are firmly in place. I can truly say that whatever comes next, I trust Yehovah to provide day-by-day and moment-by-moment (just as He has always done) or remove me from torment.

I am feeling more urgency. It's time to make more important decisions more quickly. Will there be enough money for it all? ;-)

Looking back, I can see little moments in my life that set me in motion for where I am now.

I will tell you a few of them.

Before I was ever in school, my mother taught me that God cares about my dolls just as much as I do. And, He cherishes every little prayer I say for my dolls, even if they are only pretend sick.

By five I was also teaching all my stuffed animals and all my dolls from the Bible. They all sat nicely in chairs and paid great attention. (And there were many of them. I was the only girl in a family of boys on both sides of the family.)

At 45-ish, I could not sleep. I got up and started to journal. I've wanted to write stuff all my life. I just didn't know what. I had recently learned about personal essays and Anne Lamont. Yes. That's an easy thing -- for me. But still it seemed so ... I dunno ... who am I to think I should pontificate to the Internet. And then the question came. "If you changed just one person's life would it be worth it?" It would be!

In my 50's I constantly encountered 3 questions in my musings. When the answers started showing up, I had to sit down and shut-up. Mainly, I had to shut-up and pay very close attention because the answers hardly let me get a thought in order before the next level showed up!

Lately, I've enjoyed writing very much for two people. Not on the Internet. And I often remember, "If it changes the life of just one person, is it worth it?" Yes. Yes. and Oh Yes!

When I was 48, I was traveling back home to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. This means they were 71. Waiting for the plane, I started talking with the lady next to me. When she found out about my parents, she said, "Tell them this. I am 85 now. You tell them they are just babes in the woods. They don't know anything, yet. There is still a whole life time ahead of them!" (no she didn't look or act 85 and she was traveling alone.)

I told my dad. He thought that she was demeaning and dismissive. 71 is evidently quite something. Maybe it's like being 15 and sure that you're smarter than your parents.

Often though, I've taken her message to them as belonging more to me. After all, it is very much like the idea I had at 40.

As it turns out, the time between 40 and 60, is at least one more lifetime. And at 60, I am still just a babe in the woods. I don't know anything yet. There is still a whole life time ahead of me!

I think I will call my dad tomorrow and tell him happy birthday (to me). And see if he thinks the lady at the airport might have been right after all. He's still only 82, though.

*If you're wondering who this Yehovah is, please read: Yehovah: A detail that shook my religion and changed my conversation with God.

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