I'm currently taking a vacation to visit the castle of Neuschwanstein in Bavaria, Germany. I'm writing this from a hotel in Munich. The idea to visit Neuschwanstein originates from it being a fascination of my late girlfriend Jonna.
She had visited it, and always said that we should do it together one day. That never happened. But the anniversary of her death was December 5th, and in anticipation of it happening I decided to finally visit the castle, since the history of Bavaria and Ludwig II became one of my interests, as well, while we were together.
There's a ton of stuff I could write about Ludwig II, but that's not what this post is about.
I'd like to write a very personal blog, so if you're not into stuff like that, click away. This post will not include pictures, or stylizing, or anything like that.
December 5th was the 4th anniversary of Jonna's death, and it was particularly painful because we dated for four years. So, pretty much from now on she's officially been gone for longer than we were together. I dreaded that a year ago, the year before and the year before that.
It's fitting that the Ludwig II, who lived in the castle of Neuschwanstein, was considered the Fairytale King, since I think Jonna was a Fairytale Queen.
For those of you who have never lost anyone close to you, there's a fear that comes with losing someone and thinking that one day I'll probably not be able to remember how she sounded like. I have pictures and everything, but still there's a very real fear that one day I may lose the ability to see her in my mind's eye and vision certain conversations exactly as they were.
Thankfully, right now I do. And I wish to hold on to that for as long as I can.
I'll try not to be melodramatic, but that may be unavoidable.
She was special. There's no other way to describe her. I know we all feel our loved ones are special, but she was different than anyone else.
Jonna suffered from numerous issues, health and otherwise. She was a freelance model, and had gone through phases of anorexia when we met. That's something that drew us close at the beginning since I had dated a girl an eating disorder just prior to her, and trying to be a model boyfriend I had studied a lot on the subject, so I was able to find the right words and put them in the right order for her to trust me.
She was very allergic to a lot of things, a lot of basic foods even. And even though she had fought through the worst phases of her anorexia, she was still very careful about her weight, knew everything about calories and what went into a specific type of food, etc. Her allergies made everything eating related even more difficult to her, and it was already a very difficult topic.
Jonna also suffered from kidney problems, only having one kidney when we met, due to kidney cancer. And it was always a constant fear that her cancer problems would come back. She was very familiar with hospitals and doctors and check ups and all that.
There were also a lot of things going on with her family, but I'm close friends with her sisters, and I don't want to go into their family. But things weren't always optimal, let's just put it that way.
The thing that got to me about her, still does, is that even though she had this unimaginable amount of different burdens to carry around - I didn't even scratch the surface - she was seemingly always the one to ask "How are you?" And she was always worried about others; me, her sisters, her friends, even people she barely knew. That's just who she was.
The thing is, I strongly believe that most people are more or less phonies, at least a very large amount. Not a lot of people are genuinely good. They may claim they are, but often the extent of their goodness is voting for a certain political candidate or something like that. And often there's something very dark behind the facade of fake goodness.
Not with Jonna, never. In fact, she may be the only person in the world, ever, that I've met in person that I'd classify as truly good. She was always thoughtful, always cared, always loved.
And not in a compulsive way, not like that.
I often talk a lot about our "Selfish Gene", a phrase coined by Richard Dawkins, I believe, and that we're all vicious in the very end, but she was just someone who.. defied the laws of physics, almost.
She was so good that it was its own reward to make her smile, since I thought that if someone deserved it, it was her. But she also did it for me, she really did. I'm someone who gets easily upset about things like politics and whatnot, but she was the master of doing something or saying something to take my mind off of those matters.
I miss her so much not only as a girlfriend but as a friend. I've always had this thing about believing that if the right words are put int he right order to form the perfect sentences, any point can be made and gotten through a person. I don't know how good I am at that, but she truly was the master of it. If there was something on your mind, she would listen, never interrupt, listen to you all the way through, ponder for a moment, and let out these perfect sentences that made you feel a lot better about whatever your problem was. She did it all the time, constantly.
Never before or since have I met a person who does it like she did.
We had talked online for a bit before we met, and when we did, I remember it was June 13th, I met this absolutely beautiful girl who was 5'7 or so, her hair on a bun, with a shirt on that was too sizes too big that went all the way down to her knees with the cutest smile, who just went "Oh, hi this is me!"
It was funny because she had talked about doing modeling, so I was expecting something overly glamorous and whatnot and funnily enough I was a bit prejudiced to begin with, I didn't see a girl who does that line of work as someone I'd hook up with. But she had a gift of making the most casual wear look like an eloquent million dollar outfit. I don't know how she did it, I'm not a fashion person, but I did learn to appreciate that side of the world by being with her.
Just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I'm not often lost for words, but I was then. I remember it very well.
We had this chemistry that could make scientists curious. We very different, but maybe that was the thing. I'm not a very happy person by default, she managed to make me live my life, instead of just going through, which is what I usually do. I've had other girlfriends, but I don't think I've ever loved anyone else. Just the sincere sort of love where you would saw off your foot to save the other. The type of love that usually exists in romance novels and soap operas - and isn't real. But for those four years, it was, for me. For us.
It was so special and unique, too, since I'm known for not getting along with people just like that. I'm a very closed person, very skeptical and very wary about people, not very trusting at all. But I trusted her, and she never failed me once. I don't think she ever failed anybody.
Jonna and I never really had an argument. I find it strange when people say that arguments are a necessary part of a relationship, and maybe they are for most people, but I guess I was just spoiled by my relationship with Jonna, since we never seemed to come to a cross of words. We just managed to find a way to solve problems without a shouting contest.
I think the biggest disagreement we ever had was legitimately when I cut my hair short once, and she was really very much against it. I honestly think that's it. She loved me anyway, but she was not a fan of the short hair look, I could tell.
The thing about her was that she was so beautiful that sometimes I was almost afraid to touch her because I feared that she may break. Some women are like that. Not very many at all, but some.
It's not just the fact that she's gone that's a sour spot for me, though.
Like I said, she did modelling and she was very much a perfectionist when it came to that. There were reasons for that, ones that are pretty private, but she always pushed herself really hard. She had this thing about her weight where it was never supposed to go over a certain number, or she would freak out. She was very rational otherwise, but everything that had to do with her weight was just much for her rational side to handle. And I understood, I know how those things are.
I always hated the fact that she was in the modeling industry, since she was sometimes treated like shit, but she was too nice to really stand up for herself, and she always took all criticism - no matter how silly - as gospel and punished herself for them. It was a dilemma for me, since I never wanted to be that boyfriend who tells her that she couldn't do something - of course not. And at the same time I wrestled with the idea of being a bad boyfriend for not finding those perfect words and sentences that could convince her to be easier on herself.
It's the most frustrating thing in the world to love someone, and see how she's hurting, but just being helpless and useless in terms of finding the right words to say. I swear, I wish I had been as good at that as she was.
I've always had this feeling that there was a perfectly constructed set of words that I could utter out that would finally make her realize that. That I loved her, and she was perfect, and some fashion mogul could never take that away.
I know that if she were here right now, she'd say that I'm wrong that I should stop beating myself up because of it. And she would succeed in what I failed at, because that's how she was. In fact, that's a perfect example of how she was: she would turn it around to make me feel better about the situation, not easing up on herself.
Her experiences with the modeling industry have left me with a deep resentment towards the whole business. I do think that it's a bit sad that if all women - and men, for that matter - woke up tomorrow morning and felt good about themselves, these billion dollar industries would go down the drains because they would have nothing to sell you. I know how the market works, I know why the industries are there, I don't need a lecture in market economics, but it's still depressing to me sometimes that we have these people making a killing out of the fact that people feel bad about themselves - even when there's no reason for it. And if they don't, they'll be tricked into it.
It's just so hard to put into words, but dealing with physical ailments was so much easier than the emotional ones. I bet a lot of people haven't gone through anything like that, but when you're holding the hair of someone you love while she's throwing up in the bathroom, knowing that at its core, the problem is her not feeling good enough about herself, thinking what is it that I can say to help her, trying, trying and trying to find the right words, but seemingly never quite doing so, it's the most horrible feeling in the world. I don't wish that on anybody.
I don't think I'll ever meet anyone as smart, loving, caring and good - and I've come to terms with that. I've also been able to shift away from pure bitterness, and I'm glad that I'm able to instead appreciate the four years that we did have together. Nothing is a guarantee, and had a few things gone differently, I never would have even known her.
A girl that I got to know after Jonna's passing told me once that my relationship with Jonna ruined me since I will never be able to love anyone else ever again. Rude as it may be, it could also be true. However, I just can't seem to be able to be be upset about that fact. I had an amazing relationship with an amazing person for four years, and it's a worth a million average ones. I'm happy that I loved her, I'm happy that I still love her, and I don't ever want to feel otherwise.
Going into detail about her death here is something I'm not comfortable with. But her health failed her, and the years of battling her body were too much for her to take.
I will always feel guilty for not being good enough when trying to fix her issues, and not being able to cure her. Had I been better at what I was supposed to do, being a boyfriend, a partner, a soulmate even, maybe I would have been able to give her a reason to stay stronger at the end. She always made sure to let me know she loved me, and I can only hope I made her perfectly aware that it was mutual.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have a loved one, or family or anyone you care about, let them know that you love them. We all need to hear it sometimes, and we all know this, everybody always says we should do this, and this is a cliché, but you never know what happens.
You'll never know when a person is not here tomorrow. Especially with the craziness going on in the world today, you truly never know.
Moreso than anything, if I had Jonna with me for a moment, right now, what I'd tell her would simply be "thank you".
Not before or since has anyone been as good to me, and if I never love anyone again, I'm fine with it. I was the lucky guy who got to spend those four years with the most amazing person in the world, and even though I'm not someone who always enjoys life that much, she more than made this whole thing worth it for me.
It breaks my heart to not be able to share the rest of it with her, and I'll always have a longing for her and a deep sadness because I lost something special, but I'm also so happy for the fact that I appreciated every moment that I did spend with her. Honestly, every single one. There's no case of "you never know what you have until it's gone", no, I was appreciative of having her in my life.
And thank god for that, I could never live with myself if I had taken her for granted.
I'm not sure how many people read this since this was just personal stuff, which may not interest many, but if you did, thanks. This was hard to write, I don't often even bring her up in conversations, let alone write about her outside of status update every December 5th. It's a really sore spot, but I also enjoyed writing this. It made me feel sad, but also happy because it helped me remind myself of her - and all in all, she's a very good the memory.
The best.
Since her death, I've regularly donated to cancer foundations whenever I've had the possibility. Keep yourselves checked!
Upvote if you choose, but this isn't really about that.
