I was listening to my friend who just survived a robbery and lucky to be alive. Was seeing the same patterns I went through after my hijacking and kidnapping years ago. My heart aching to give advice, yet I know it will take time and it’s not my experience. For now..keep your mouth shut Charl!
Still the need to share my own is building up. And I will…just have not found the words for this one yet. Writers block right haha.
So decided to re-read and reflect on myself. Below my entry on my website on the 24th of October 2014.
Cocoon 10-24-2014
Where to start?
Have been thinking about updating this page for ages now. Just not getting to it. Not making time…
A few weeks ago I got to catch up with a friend who moved from Cape Town to Johannesburg. Lots of life changes on his side. He mentioned that he enjoyed reading what I put on here but hasn’t seen anything for a while. He was wondering how do I start or how do I decide to write about something. And I have been asked that before. I am not the typical blogger and I only do it when I feel the need to share. It is a nice way to stay in touch with friends. Well that is how this all started 3 years ago with my trip to India. But then the question to myself I think is why do I need to share…?
The blog update:
So it starts somewhere with a conversation I have with myself. It usually starts days or weeks before and keeps changing until I finally feel there is something there and then sit down and start writing. This one I started last week. And only today am picking it up again. There have been many changes to the story. The one thing that did spark it last week is the photograph I took. But days have gone past and it wasn't a priority anymore. No need to share anymore. The conversation was still going on though. And here I hope I am not now confessing to being the lunatic talking to himself….well am sure we all need that expert opinion sometime :) but then seriously why now at the end of Friday afternoon where all I want to do is leave work and go have a beer I find the energy to pick this up again and start putting thoughts to paper?
Reorganization:
“Your job doesn't exist anymore from xxxx date and if you are unsuccessful in your application for the new role you will be retrenched.”
And then for the strange part( the reason for the need to share):
As I was on my lunch time walk through town talking to myself or more accurately reflecting my thoughts on why am I doing so well? Why am I not as emotionally involved as some colleagues? Why am I already planning and plotting what to do next how am I going to get from A to B in the next few weeks etc? Why did I start with worst case scenario, made peace with that outcome and from there worked my way back up to the best options? Why was my turn around time so fast? I know the answer for myself but how I did I get to this point in my life that I have the ability to do that? Turn bad around almost “instantly”. At first I think: Do not think so much of yourself, Charl? But by just watching and observing I see and realize that more people could benefit in their lives if they had that too.
Only from some searching of our dear friends at Google I find some way of explaining it. I embrace vulnerability. (there is a TED talk about it too ) You can look that up to find out why that helps me turn negatives into (not positives) but experiences. And the ability to experience it is the positive that brings happiness and joy to my life. Another example would be how the heartbreak from a loved one would make me feel just as alive as being with the person because it would mean I have feelings and am a living breathing creation.
The tears:
What beauty and mystery that my body can react to thought and emotions in a physical way? My eczema flair up or panic attacks…same thing etc etc. We all go through them. Just don’t see it at that moment and some people only years later. What a pity I say where you could have experienced the lesson and beauty in the tears at that very moment. Yet still, how did I get to this point in my life where the news of possible retrenchment seems like another exciting chapter in my life? I might never know…
The photograph:
I watched this almost dry worm hanging in my doorway for days. Some would have probably “cleaned it” and disposed of it in the garden somewhere. A few days pass and then that morning. I was late for work already. As I am rushing out the door there it sat. It just sat there. Just sitting there, still with its cocoon. I had to stop and watch. And it did nothing but sit there. I bet you it was worried about: Oh shit I am not a worm anymore. What do I do with these things on my back. I am homeless now. Should never have eaten so much that I needed to build a home and just sleep and sleep etc. Apologies , off course it didn't!
The answer:
I still don’t have an answer of where in my life I made that switch or broke out of my cocoon. Was it facing a new country with apartheid? Was is it because of the way my parents brought me up? Is it after many years knowing that my outside facade is not who I am or is it knowing after many years that that moment I sat on a train station with my bags not knowing if I should go left or right to find a roof over my head for the night was the best thing that could have happened in my life?
Perhaps look for those moments in your past …
So the last time I was depressed, under stress, had fear and just felt vulnerable what did I do? When in my life or yours did you lose that comfort zone, embraced your vulnerability and just sat there and be beautiful?
Next time you feel sad, are hurt depressed or scared, when you are unsure of what to do next. Or have tears rolling down your face. Try to share. Not download and try to fix it, just be what your feeling. Because there lies the beauty . Knowing you have the power to physically feel emotions. We all have a cocoon we hide in sometimes. Come out and just be.
Okay I am starting to preach….that is my dad’s job. So over and out…till next time.
Where did this end?
This was my need to share and just be…
Namaste
...c
