I took me a long time to make the decision, but I'm really happy the I finally did it.
I suffered from depression and insomnia for a couple of years. From insomnia - since I was a child. But I never took it seriously. I took it seriously only when my sleeping regime ruined so large that I already couldn't fall asleep for more then an hour. It felt terrible. Not only that it took me hours to fall asleep, I also woke up long before morning and could not continue. As a result I felt powerless all the time. I could no longer work normaly, or at least live normaly.
Depression took part only for few years, but few horrible years. In fact I had no objective reasons to feel badly, I had no serious troubles in my life that could lead me to this state, but nevertheless I was none the better for it. I just had no ability to feel happiness and suffered from this a lot. I tryed everything I could, made lists of things that could make me feel better, did them all - and with no result.
Once I thought that I'm coping. The feeling lasted for a few months, and I already began thinking that I'm done with the problem, but I was wrong. A few months passed with less or more acceptable level of life, but then I suddenly found myself back to the same web. A web of no mood, no happiness, full of causeless alarm and instant fear, also causeless.
I already wrote a blog post about my attempts to visiting a psychologist. It ended with no good result, may be I just got to a bad specialist. Not to write ewerything again - he just had his own vision of my problem that had nothing to do with reality. The main thought here is that if you have something wrong with hormonal balance - you need a doctor, not shaman with a tambourine. And my "psychologist' was the second option.
Onces I was watching a youtude video made by a woman who had the same problem like I did, and in the video she found a perfect description of how it feels:
-"If you don't know how it feels - being depressed - I'll tell you. Imagine that instead of a cat you have a fucking dementor as a pet. He follows you and sucks out all the good things. All of them"
That's a perfect description. And you feel like that not for a few days, but for a really long time.
I don't know what stoped me from visiting a real doctor so long. May be the feeling of shame.
The truth is that when you measure shoes in the shop only you know if you feel comfortable in them. Not the seller, not your friend or parents, or your children - you alone.
But when it comes to state like depression everyone all of a sudden think that they know better. You hear phrases like "Just do some sports", or "Everyone is sad, and you alone whine", or "You just have lack of events in your life". Seriously? I went to the gym, and I know that there are a lot of people in the world who have life worse then I do, and I have a lot of events. But all this didn't help if you really got a problem.
In our country it's also a shame to go to a psychiatrist. Or even to psychologist or psychotherapist. f you go to one of these you really quickly get a "batty" stigma. It really is a feature of the country, people here don't look for psychiatric care voluntarily. May be it's another reason that stoped me so long.
But when after a short period of remission my statement returned - I no longer cared. I asked my husband to find me a specialist, cause I could no longer love like that.
The noght before the visit was really nervous. I had no idea how to behave and what to say, I was really scared. But for no reasn, by the way. The doctor just asked a few questions, I told everything that disturbed me, and he diagnosed me and gave me a recipe to buy pills. I recieved two mild antidepressants and a sedative.
Now I take them only fr a week, so it's to early to talk about great results. The one thig I can say for sure - I finally can sleep! Earlier everything was so desperate that I even had disgust to my own bed. I was ready to fall from fatigue, but not go to bed, cause I knew that I will not be able to fall asleep anyway. Not things changed, really quickly. Well, I still stay awake till 3-4 a.m., but I can sleep after I go to bed.
And my mood is now evenly. I can't say that I already can feel happy, but at least I already don't feel horrible.
And that's a good start:)
Thank you for watching:)
Love, Inber
