I shared a couple days ago that I am shifting from a ketogenic diet to one that includes more carbs. I’m doing this for many reasons, but mostly for variety. Honestly, I want to eat with my family. And I’m working with Katie at Kind Fitness Co. despite many other options because it’s safe for me to share with her any struggles I might have with disordered eating. I specifically didn’t go with another group because when I mentioned I sometimes have trouble eating at all, they looked at me sideways and said, “Just eat. Food is fuel.”
Me feeling the pain at the gym this morning as I rolled out sore muscles.
When I shared with Katie that I have periodic relapses of anorexia, she said, “We need to be kind to ourselves,” and basically hugged me with her eyes in a somehow non-intrusive way. I could tell she understood, at least enough to not judge me if anxiety hijacked my body and wired my mouth shut. I’m guessing her approach would be one-on-one coaching to set small but increasing food goals that maximize nutrition. For the record, that is the correct response.
Well, I’m three days in and already had my first struggle. I wouldn’t say I’ve vilified carbs, but most sources of them leave me feeling wrecked. My new plan basically switches my intake of carbs and fats. I think this will help me in the gym after a week or two hitting my numbers. Right now I am tapering down fats and up carbs while staying in my calorie zone and searching for the perfect protein powder. There’s basically zero chance I’ll eat enough lean meats in a day to meet my target, and since I can’t consume soy, gluten and dairy, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to alternate sources.
Here’s where I am today:
This is far better than yesterday. My body is extra sore due to re-adapting to carbs. I need lots of extra liquids, and I feel bloated, but my muscles will eventually uncramp as they did when I moved into ketosis. As long as the ADHD stays at bay (and I think it will because I’m staying off sugar), this is already a good plan for me.
But there is shame. Again, I didn’t vilify carbs, but eating disorders are about having extreme control over your body because the rest of your life feels out of control. Because starchy foods are unhappy foods for my brain, they contribute to overall anxiety. Which means I really have to proceed with caution to not trigger another relapse.
This shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is. I feel afraid and ashamed. In fact, I’m staring at a piece of toast right now wondering if I’m ready. It feels like a rabbit hole. The toast in no way looks or smells appetizing, but it will help me reach my carb goals. I think today is.not the day.
Despite that embarking on a ketogenic diet ultimately got me eating and healthy, it was extremely controlled. Now I have many more options and some of that control is fortfeit. But variety means opportunity. I took advantage of that tonight by making a Lebanese dish I’ve been missing; beid ou banadoura (eggs and tomatoes). I’ve also been missing the Lebanese bit of my culture, so easing back into carbs via favored flavors of my childhood seems right.
A takeaway for you: If you deal with disordered eating, knowing you deserve to eat, deserve to enjoy food or even deserve to be nourished by a certain type of food is hard work. Teaming up with a compassionate nutrition coach may be your ticket to success, but first you need to be on a team with yourself. This means setting aside judgement and a bit of control. You’re worth it.