Art by pamelakavanagh

“When love doesn’t work, we hurt. Indeed, “hurt feelings” is a precisely accurate phrase, according to psychologist Naomi Eisenberger of the University of California. Her brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain.”

—Sue Johnson
Our most cherished relationships are crumbling; our partners are leaving us or we are leaving them. Divorce is at an all time high. The current chance of a couple getting divorced in the United States is roughly 40% to 50%. The divorce rates for subsequent marriages are even higher.

To make matters worse, some say divorce feels like experiencing the death of a loved one. The stress is raw and palpable to the point of being overwhelming. This is true. I have been through a divorce, and it was a strenuous experience. But I recovered and learned from it.

Now I am happily married again. And over time and through hardship, I learned to sustain this new relationship. And I have built a tight and trusting bond with my sweetheart.

Still, the divorce rates are dizzying. And I do not know what you all think, but that is a terrifying prospect. It almost seems like something is inherently wrong with our ability to make a close attachment and keep intimacy going.

Love is About Emotional Attunement and Communication

So why cannot we hold onto those we love?

Some say it is because humans are polygamous by nature. Some say is rooted in the decline of society. Some say its feminism. Some say it is politics. Some say it is because of the specific alignment of stars in the heavens. Reasons abound.

But according to couples psychologist Sue Johnson, it is simple: lack of emotional literacy between partners causes the disconnect that leads to dissolution of marriage or other romantic partnerships.

Johnson claims this may be a result of growing social isolation, technological advance, and hyper focus on thought processes rather than feeling. As a result, couples just do not effectively communicate in a one-on-one, emotional fashion. They do not even understand each other's own emotions.

Therefore, couples must learn to attune on an emotional level.

I have personally employed several techniques to help improve my quality as a lover, as well as recognize my own emotional core. This is likely why my second marriage did not immediately fall apart and become a statistic. These techniques allowed me to tap into my innate intimate self and build a solid relationship.

Skills to help partners strengthen their bond

There are three of skills that help partners grow closer and strengthen their bond.

Stress Education

Number one: we have to be wary of our own neurology and the effects of stress hormones. Our relationships disintegrate when we get into arguments with our partners and say things we regret or cause harm—things like, "I hate you" and "you are crazy."

This happens because, when we get into fights with our spouses or lovers, our brains are flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, and the fight or flight reflexes are activated.

When this occurs, the ability to learn is stifled and we become survival-ready. It is in these volatile states when some of the nastiest arguments occur. However, if we understand what triggers our fight-or-flight responses, we can temper our reactions.

If we simply recognize that we are being driven by our body's natural processes, we can use this knowledge to self-sooth our raging emotions and lower the levels of cortisol. This takes time, and so it is reasonable for us to excuse ourselves from a heated argument in the moment.

The Emotional Intellect

Also important is the cultivation of Emotional Intelligence. Emotional intelligence is based on understanding our own emotions and feelings. Whenever we become triggered, if we can recognize the specific emotion we feel, then we can more readily and clearly express ourselves without lashing out or hurting our partners.

In practice, this revolves around making “I” statements and expressing how we feel about a situation. In this way, our partners do not get hurt or feel attacked. Instead of saying, "you always act like a child." Try this instead: "I feel upset and angry during these times." Or this: "I feel scared when this happens."

These types of "I" statements deescalate tense situations and do not put our partners into even more heightened states of arousal or defensive postures, where they feel like they are having to parry our frontal assaults.

Nonviolent Communication

The third is practicing Nonviolent Communication. This was a form of communication developed by psychologist Marshal Rosenberg. The main pieces of nonviolent communication include self-empathy, empathy, and needs assessment. There is considerable overlap between nonviolent communication and emotional intelligence.

The most important facet of nonviolent communication is readily understandable. It is the idea of possessing self-empathy. This means that we understand our own emotional triggers and we have the ability to name our emotional states. Once we have recognized them, then we can accurately gauge our own needs, as well as the needs of our partners.

This is important because it allows us to empathize. It means we can get on the same wavelength as our lover and try to meet her needs when we communicate with them.

I constantly assess my lovers needs at various times in our relationship; and I know that if I can meet those needs, it will solidify our relationship in the moment and allow for the fluid transfer of peaceful communication between us, heightening our sense of attachment. In other words, communication is nonviolent if it is empathetic and revolves around the management of both of our needs.

Practice makes Perfect Love

If we practice these skills we can attune emotionally to our partners and create more love and longevity in our relationships. The research and practice-based evidence mustered by Sue Johnson and her work with emotionally focused therapy seems to suggest that the happiest couples are couples who attempt to read each other's emotional communication. That is why I believe the aforesaid skills are a great stepping stone to healthier relationships

Nonetheless, we currently live in a world that seems to shun emotions and prioritize reason and thinking. It is the age of the data point, of focus on intelligence scores, and of mass alienation. Emotional fluency seems like an alien concept in a society devoid of intimacy.

However, we have the knowledge and tools at our disposal to unveil the true depth of our emotional souls. We can channel our desire to connect with our intimate others. We can discover true love and avoid becoming just another statistic.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

-Carl Jung

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My name is Sterlin. I am the Psychologic Anarchist. Find me over at www.psychologic-anarchist.com, on Facebook, or YouTube, where we are trying to build more compassionate and loving anarchist communities. We also discuss psychology, therapy, communication, and the many faces of love.