This is a post about my feelings. A personal post, and nothing that I'm writing is meant to be fact or targeting other people. There may be topics that trigger emotional memories or feelings. Only read it if you're interested in my outlook. This is not a pity-party, it's just kind of a /rant about stuff.
"I feel like I'm not made for this world"
This is a sentence I find myself saying far too often. Why? Because, it's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So what exactly do I mean by it, when I say it? It means a lot of different things to me. Sometimes I feel like it's hard to endure normal human interactions. It's hard for me to keep up, and sometimes I just feel like I'd rather be alone. This might be partly due to me being an introvert, but it sometimes feels like I just don't understand how most humans work. It's hard for me to make connections with other people, or at least strong connections.
"I feel depressed, but I sometimes wonder what depression really means"
This is a big part of why I question a lot of my feelings. I've always dealt with depression. Most of my family has also fought depression as well. I sometimes wonder if my depression is what causes me to feel this way, or if feeling this way causes my depression. I'm one of those people who sits around daydreaming about a more interesting life, but I don't have the energy to change my own. I feel like it's pointless, and that my life will never be as interesting as I want it to be. I yearn for fantasy worlds where I can be free to do many interesting things, born with the body you desired to be born with.
"I've never been the workaholic type, and I like to do things at my own pace"
Someone who doesn't work, is frowned upon in this world. I grew up with a lot of different interests and hobbies. Too many, maybe. Because of that, I am slightly good at a lot of things, but not extremely good at one thing. Now I'm in the predicament where I don't really know where my passion lies, and I'm scared to stick with one thing and make it my life. It's hard for me to focus on learning new skills because I get distracted and always want to learn something else. A lot of the time I just feel lazy and like I don't have the energy to learn something, and I'd rather be doing something else that I enjoy. Because of this, I haven't had a career, and thus I've been looked down on. I've worked at clothing stores, and had an office job, and after being jobless for a bit, I've realized I don't want to go back. I've come to dislike those places, and being around real people all the time. It gives me a strange anxiety that I never used to have.
"Just work on your way of thinking. You can fix it."
Ah... how many times I've heard a variation of this statement. I've tried many times to fix how I think of things, but it's hard to do that if you know that that IS actually how you feel. It's as if it's ingrained into me. Some kind of fear that I can't explain. I'm the most comfortable when I'm at home, in my own bubble, doing the things I choose to do, not the things I'm forced to do. Don't get me wrong. There are still many things I enjoy in this world, but I feel like the rules that have been set are too much. The advertising of certain body types, responsibilities, social circles, etc... has ruined a mass amount of people. Everyone is stressed because of how fast-paced everything is, or because they aren't living up to certain standards. There are people on the streets because they just aren't cut out for keeping a job, or socializing properly. They weren't broken to begin with, but we view them that way. "They just weren't meant for this world."
"Sometimes I feel like death is the only way out"
I know I'm not alone when it comes to this feeling. Death is a quick way to move on and get rid of all the stress you're feeling. You can't feel stress if you're not here. Sometimes I feel helpless. "I'm never going to change, because this is just me." "I'm never going to be useful to the world." "What's the point?" And I've been extremely close to going through with ending it all. I don't believe in an afterlife. I'm not after anything like that. I just feel like a waste of space sometimes.
You know what? I've come to realize something about these feelings. I'll never get my fantasy world. I'll never be able to magically change the problems my body was born with. So... where am I going with this?
"Maybe I don't need to change. Maybe the world needs to."
The type of change I'm thinking about isn't really all that out there. The world just needs to change how they view certain people.
I can't be the only one who has grown to feel like they don't want to be in a normal workplace, and who can't keep up with certain "normal" expectations. I feel like things are at least moving in the right direction for people like us. Crypto-currency is opening up a lot of new options for people to work from home, and get paid to just do things that they enjoy. Maybe you're someone who doesn't have a useful hobby that can be transferred into a job, but you like to talk about your feelings on social media? Well, there are more social media sites that are monetizing content.
This is just the start of things that could make the world better for shadow people like me. There are topics like basic income that are still controversial, but could lift the poverty in many areas, and give those people a chance to be creative and find something they're interested in. Monetization of commonly used sites and their user-posted content seems to still be questionable to a lot of developers as well, but I believe there can be many benefits.
I'm going to keep trying to function in this world, and as things are currently, I'll probably have to suck it up and suffer through a normal workplace for awhile. I'm job hunting now, and anyone who understands the feelings I wrote about, knows how frustrating job-hunting can be when you feel that way. Maybe I really don't deserve a comfortable life, and I really am just a lazy loser. Maybe it's not just how this world views me. My personality is a flaw, and maybe I really can change it? I've tried many things to get better at socializing, but I just think it's not a huge part of me. I can only take small doses of socializing face-to-face. Who knows why I'm like this. I don't.
I feel like these things won't just make the world better for a few people, but better for everyone.
Have you felt this way? Do you think there are things that can be done to help people who feel this way? Do you think monetization of more websites or basic income will make the world a more creative and relaxing place? I'm curious to hear how other people feel.
I'll probably write another post soon, about how crypto-currency and basic income could make the world a more interesting place.
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