6 months broken…
Dear diary...
In the beginning I just woke up crying.
I would get in the shower and cry over a memory of what you said about meditating using the water washing down over your shoulders.
I would choke every time I walk or drive passed the VET sign in the village only because it has the same font and colour as the text on your van.
I listened to the Man Utd news and the traffic news to think about how you were doing. And if the news was bad I would feel sad for you stuck in traffic or not getting a win but if it was good then I would feel sad that you were busy forgetting about me.
You knew I wasn’t a football fan but I loved and miss that you would try to explain it to me anyway.
For a long time I felt resentful towards happy couples around me and pictured them destroying each other the way we did.
I haven’t been able to take you off my mind.
I tried to convince myself that someday I’ll meet somebody totally different from you and how he’ll be perfect and our love really will last. But I end up comparing Mr Perfect in my head to you and still wind up choosing you.
People think they are helping when they say that I deserve better and I will meet somebody but it terrifies me to think about trying to meet the standard you set.
The thought of replacing you makes me feel sick.
I took myself off facebook because I kept seeing articles about love and like a glutton for punishment I felt compelled to read them. They just hurt.
It hurts.
I dreamt you were in a dark place and I was with you but you couldn’t see me because you refused to look up. Then I dreamt I was back in your arms and you were holding me so tight that it hurt but it didn’t matter because it was exactly where I wanted to be.
I tell people I have good days and bad days but the truth is I don’t go a moment without thinking of you. I have too many beautiful memories that constantly come to my mind without my permission.
I remember so clearly the first time you kissed me.
It was the best kiss you ever gave me. You took me by surprise and you squeezed me so tight outside the restaurant. I can’t make a dinner without remembering us doing it together, laughing, eating and loving. I can’t even change my bed sheets without crying. I remember every little thing and all the little details. I even cried in the cinema watching Amy Schumer because of the little boy who tells her about his Minecraft game.
I can’t help but imagine your arms around me every time I do the dishes.
I remember being ecstatically happy with you most of the time and it hurts to remember knowing I can’t have it back.
Worst of all I remember your face the last day I saw you.
You were so angry.
I would run straight to you if it weren’t for that memory of when you made me feel resented, unwanted, rejected and scared.
...I dreamt of you again.
I was at your sisters house.
You were comforting her over a divorce.
I could still feel resentment from you and you weren’t talking to me.
I don’t know why I was there or why this other guy was there either.
He was chatting to me oblivious to the tension in the room and oblivious also to the upsetting situation your sister was in. You paid neither of us any attention until he asked me out.
Suddenly you were aware of every word of our conversation and you told him to stop.
You wouldn’t allow him to chat me up any longer.
I was so relieved even though you still weren’t talking to me.
Thinking about it now I really shouldn’t have been relieved to discover that you’re just saving me for later.
It’s 6 months since we broke up and subconsciously I’m still waiting.
I’m driving myself crazy.
This needs to stop.
Love makes us fragile
This fragility makes us vulnerable to let our emotions take control. When emotions run high logic runs low and we say and do things that regretfully hurt the people we love…
But we didn’t just hurt them.
Because our love makes them fragile our words didn’t just hurt them it tore their heart apart. This takes time to heal and the injuries might never be forgotten.
But love is forgiving
And without forgiveness we are all doomed to die failures. Everybody fucks up, it’s in our nature. The only way to deal with a fuck up is to forgive yourself when you do.
But don’t make excuses - that’s not the same.
Take responsibility for what you did wrong but not what went wrong. You can’t blame yourself for things that happen to you but for the things you do you can:
- take responsibility
- forgive yourself
- lick your lovers wounds
- then grow from this
Know that if it happens again you could lose the one you love but don’t live in fear of yourself.
Know that you’ve gained wisdom and strength from your experience and you can prevent a repeat.
