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This post was inspired by @isabellelauren 's Open question of why violence and not sex? @isabellelauren/sex-is-normal-so-why-do-we-shield-our-teens-from-it
NOTE: Trigger Warning For Awkward Sex Stuff And Artistic Nudity-- and Lima being very damned serious
Claustrophobia and Aversion to Touching
One of my earliest memories from childhood was when my dad lived in Bend, OR. My sister and I were visiting him as my parents were divorced shortly after I was born. He liked to drink, my dad. This particular time he had gotten a babysitter who gave me peptobismal even though I told her I didn't like it. I'm not sure what made me sick but I went to my dads rolling waterbed to sleep. I proceeded to sleep and then routinely puke into a bucket with a big , fat, purple, Grimace (from Mc'D's) smiling back after I was done. Later that night my dad came home and passed out in the same bed. I remember at one point he cuddled me and I didn't like it. I got up and slept on the floor. I remember it vividly and not very much else from my early childhood. Maybe this is normal.
It sucks that I always wonder why I didn't like my own father cuddling me when I was sick. To this day I have a very complicated relationship hugging and touching that I'm learning to sort out. I love giving hugs and I love getting them except only sometimes do I feel comfy doing it. One time I was told there was a guy-friend of my mom's that we called "the tickle-monster" I remember it being a fun thing and I also remember drinking wine coolers alone as a toddler so anything is possible. As an adult I am very claustrophobic and will detail later how that further manifested in my bad relationship with sex. Something happened that made me feel unsafe I may never truly know what it was.
Negative Associations To Sex, Nudity, And Love
To be quite frank, my amazing mom married a guy that almost turned me off men and possibly sex completely. Whatever happened before him could have been sorted. He drove that dark nail deep into my soul. He moved in with us and proceeded to not only have loud sex with my mom every night. I was a light sleeper, used to quiet, and sensitive to everything. I Would cry and beg them to stop. My mom would tell me that I would understand when I got older. I do. AND then he would shame me for it the next day. Quit your crying he'd say. Then he'd sit in his lazy boy chair with nothing but a robe, control the remote, control dinner, and insist that we go to the bathroom to burp or fart while he sang "I like to go swimming with bow-legged women and swim between their legs". Later when we were at a different house, I was in my room (which I was using because my stepbrother was never there, due to his moms physical abuse case on my stepdad) dancing and singing and getting dressed as a do when I am alone and free. Unfortunately because I have adhd and it was the first time being in my own room i didnt realize the curtains were open. I was 9. At the dinner table that night my stepfather announced, "That was a really great show you put on for us today. Your little boyfriend across the street liked it. Yea, thats right, you left your curtains open you little slut. Keep them shut." introducing: intense shame As a teen (yesss my mom was still married to this dude) I started to wonder if he was abusing my older sister. The loud sex and stopped because they had different work schedules but then it suddenly started up again when my mom got a day shift. I cried, again my mom said "you'll understand when you get older" and left it at that. She felt ashamed too. She had no idea what to do. I don't blame her, as she had no tools to deal with it and she married a guy that was treating her and us as commodities. Clean this, do that.. etc. However, it was this lack of knowledge that made it harder. One day at school a boy gave me a ring. I will admit that i was very interested in a lot of boys at that age. I kissed that boy and another one in a car on a dare. Just a peck but still. It wasn't totally crazy for mom to be suspicious. I took it home to my mom, I WAS SO HAPPY!! "Mommy! a boy loves me. He gave me this ring to prove it and I love him too. He sings to me, 'Take me down to the paradise city...'(lol I was 9-10 okay?)!" She took it away. She told me this means he wants to have sex with me. I had to return it and never talk to him again. That summer I went to live with my dad in Cali. No sex/body shame there so we'll skip it.
Gendernonconforming? Tomboy? Boobs or just fat?
Before I left for CALIFORNIA My ability to make friends was atrocious. SHOCKER I'm very shy and awkward in groups IRL. SO when "the cool girl" in 6th grade invited me to her house for a sleepover I was both ecstatic and terrified. I remember sitting on the floor in my pajamas that might have been tight on me, silent. One girl said to me, "wow-- you have boobs!"
"No she's just fat." Replied Cool Girl. Thanks, for that cool girl. Cue years of body dysmorphia.
After coming back from my dads though I had a new confidence. I was awoken to punk and grunge while En vogue was telling me to "Free Your Mind"! I wore boots and too big overalls with crazy barrets. I somehow gave very little fux in junior high. If only I had that now... lol. I stood up for nerds when popular girls would belittle them. ( I was always good in school regardless of my adhd). Pretty soon I found a guy to crush on who had no idea I existed. I think I liked it that way. I proceeded to never kiss anyone or flirt with anyone until freshman year. I had two crushes. One was a guy with long eyelashes and the other was a girl with black hair and a free spirit. She became my best friend and I had no idea I was in love with her. We laugh about it now!
Pretty soon people started to point out my style and the way I treated some of my friends that were girls. Whenever we were at parties they would hook up with older guys while I waited outside a house or a tent. One time I had to give a guy a hand job because I didn't want to have sex with him and had no idea to tell him. He decided to brag about this conquest and people went back to "ah shes a slut like all the other girls. only pretending to be prude". Prude came up a lot. One day I finally looked it up in the dictionary (as I slowy began ignoring the world and exploring books, drawing, music, and computers)
"A prude (Old French prude meaning honourable woman)[1] is a person who is described as (or would describe themselves as) being concerned with decorum or propriety, significantly in excess of normal prevailing standards. "
I began to wear it and demand that it meant that I have standards. When the truth is that I didn't understand who I was or what I wanted sexually and I was holding on to some trauma from childhood. I watched all of my friends get pregnant or married one by one.
----Then one day. I kissed a girl and liked it ( Hardee Har har)
We were both drunk and i was *sort of * dating a guy and we were all at this table. She was beautiful. Someone said something about kissing. I exclaimed that I would kiss her and she was also willing it seemed. There was definitely tongue and it lasted for more than a minute. I'm pretty sure lightning bolts shot through the air and baby cherubs smiled on us. But that was it. Went home to sleep it off and came back to meet my new friend. I knocked on her door, not knowing that I was attracted to her .She yelled at me, "I'm not gay!" and slammed the door in my face.
:'(
But... I'm not either! was my thought... (but im a cheerleader....)
Then of course I decided to shave my head. This really helped the rumors and jokes about me being a closeted "dyke". I loved the freedom of it. However, immediately I started wearing makeup because I thought I looked like a boy. Others said so. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me because of something else but he later told me that he hated when I had shaved my head. He had long hair. GO figure.
flash forward quite a lot
After I was living in Boston, my cousins mom found some pics of us jokingly pretend to have "lesbian cousin sex". We had a weird relationship and I had never imagined anyone would think it was real. I had my hair short at that time as well and was living in Portland OR, loving ANi DiFranco in my kahkis and band t's.
Her mom, MY AUNT, insisted that I WAS GAY. She was angry. My mom confronted me on the phone. I was not comfy with my sexuality but those pics were not real. I was angry at both my aunt and my mom for judging us and being angry about it. If I was gay I told my mom THEN WHO CARES?!?! Secretly I knew that I wasn't going to be able to hide this forever but the fact that people consistently insisted they know who I was and were angry about it made me start moving away from my external family. My sister, awesome as she is, also liked to make jokes. Implying that all my boyfriends were sissies and she was waiting for me to bring home an actual woman. I know this is from her own insecurity but it just helped me dig further.
FINALLY SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE
Over time I confided in various people about my confusion with my identity, my womanhood, and my feelings. In Boston I had started therapy when I walked into a restaurant and caught the eye of a cute boy (adult boy) but to my "horror" the boy had boobs. I left the restaurant and took a few weeks to tell my therapist even though i was resisting it the entire time. "You want me to be gay!!" I yelled at him. You see, I still found myself attracted to men. This was not the time for something to give. I left that therapist and began exploring dating and sex with men more than ever.
Vaginismus
Up until I was about 30 ish? I was unable to have intercourse. I was perfectly happy with "everything but" and not including the butt. But I would clench up and twitch in my entire body when I get wanted penetration. I tried. I really did. ANd it was always extremely painful and I would cry. I have had guys say: you're gay, there's something wrong with you, its only cuz your tight just let it hurt, etc. Every time it got worse and worse. By the time I was with my therapist that wanted to explore my sexuality i was practically celebate. I was focused on schoolwork and hadn't even masturbated in months. When I saw the cute BOI it was the first time I had felt attracted to someone in a while. NOTE: i did not go tell her that i liked her. I never went to that place where she worked again, actually. Awwwkward.
But then I met someone that changed everything he was a man(very much) AND he was very in touch with his feminine side (you guessed it, not American). He actually even had a high voice sometimes and the cutest smile. When we were together it was fire because he let me be strong and dominant. We watched tv shows, played music... but i still couldn't have intercourse even though I really felt like I wanted to with him. I trusted him and felt safe. SO I went to a doctor and it was awkward as hell.
(no pics you pervs :P)
She, the doctor, was attractive and had me on all fours doing kegels. I was extremely embarrassed but I ot the jist of what she was saying and after 2 visits i started to unlock the magic of my vagina. It's pretty stupid sounding but at the same time I went to my first The VAGINA MONOLOGUES. I wasn't ready. I was red in the face.. all those women talking about their complicated experiences with their vaginas.. i was intrigued, aroused, impressed and also scared.
But then I started to get the hang of it with men so... I explored that. ;) I can't say it was entirely unsuccessful but lets just say my bf type guy and I broke up because I realized it was just weirdly hot, friend sex and he was super christian so it really wasn't gonna work out. I proceeded to explore the entire summer and then had enough because I confused myself. Was I supposed to feel love? If I don't love this person, am I a bad person? If someone likes me as a person, but all we do is have sex how do we get to the relationship part? It was a mess because I was honest and told people I was sleeping with others. Apparently its not a cool thing for a woman to do, lol. Even in the city?? in 2013??
COMING OUT
Shortly after that experience I met a man who broke my heart into maniacal little pieces. I still have feelings hanging on for him tbh but one thing he liked was short hair. I was embracing that and also exposing myself to shows like Orange Is the New Black and Girls and The L Word. I was always reading erotica alone but now I was watching porn. Sadly it often took me a good hour to find something that was to my liking (that was free and didn't have any cover charge). I started coming around to the idea that it was possible that I was bisexual. I began looking online for ways to explore this and came up empty. Not a lot of lesbians want to date someone who is bisexual, especial bi-curious and unsure of themselves. I wanted love , but I also really wanted to explore sex more. I'm pretty sure I came off as a horny teenager. I have never successfully gotten a date with a woman. BUT I did find a great group in Boston called MAD FEMME PRIDE. I was super awkward girl. I was also bouncing between trying to rock the suit thing and trying to be femme cuz i'm still all over that spectrum but I found amazing humans who were very gentle and welcoming. I attended my first pride parade.
As you can tell it was quite an amazing and freeing time.
But Nope, RIGHT Back In THe Closet
I had some fun at these events but soon found it more painful than fun. Due to my insecurities and awkwardness I couldn't decide who i liked or who liked me or if we were supposed to hit on each other or if we were just friends. I googled. It turns out lesbian dating is really hard! There are some books that I found but eventually, I just gave up.
I sort of have become a recluse except for the times when I went to Kenya, where I met my "husband" that I'm still unfortunately married to even though I never claimed it here or took his last name. Somehow the fear of the 40's and never being pregnant or having a family was frightening enough for me to rush into something that I never had my heart in. I think that was the appeal. Can't get your heart broken if you tie yourself to someone that you have almost zero feelings for. Sadly for both of us it didn't work out.
LETS LIVE IN THE NOW
I still abhor cat-calling and don't want to be forced to talk about sex when I'm not feeling safe or respected. Id rather put on my headphones than listen to my neighbors do it and I'm still very much into both sexes. MY BIGGEST HURDLE--- is being able to be open about all of this and I think, I know, it all goes back to my body. It all goes back to the confusion of nudity and sex of loving and sex. SO ive decided to end on a somewhat revolutionary note. In fact I'm sort of shaking right now.
But, in the spirit of highlighting the vast spectrum from self-love to hardore core exploitative porn...
I have drawn myself.
As I am.
Nude.
Reading a Book.
Yes, I'm cuddly sized so x out now if you dont wanna see me in all my artistic cuddlyness.
free
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