Please Don't Leave Me - The Lost Boys Painting #5

Yesterday I posted about Jeff, and today I am going to introduce you to Astrid, the latest fictional character I created in my mind and came alive in my painting. My inspiration for this painting comes from one of Pink's songs, Please Don't Leave Me. I love Pink and her songs inspired some of my drawings and paintings in the past.

Here's the official music video of the song. It's kinda creepy but here it is.

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken...~ Pink

So what's with Astrid?

Astrid is very vulnerable and clingy to the brink of madness. She is always afraid of losing her boyfriend and can't bear to be away from him even for a short while. In her heart, she has a deep-rooted fear of losing the people she loves - friends, family, boyfriend - and be left emotionally isolated forever. She always has the feeling that people will abandon her. Astrid has been in a string of unsuccessful relationships, and she is baffled why she can't find the right person. Every single one of her relationships seems to be doomed right from the beginning, and she expects it to end that way. Astrid is desperate for love and always in despair.

Every time her boyfriend tells her that he needs a space to breath and hang out with his friends, Astrid would feel panicky and anxious. She tries not to show it and tries to be the cool girlfriend but her behavior shows otherwise. She grows very moody and sensitive. And when his boyfriend comes home from a night out with his buddy, Astrid often seething with anger accusing him of being insensitive leaving her alone to cope with the lonely night. She often overreacts by sobbing and making him feels really guilty and that guilt pushes him away from her.

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I'm always saying how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me... ~ Pink

Unable to cope with her irrational meltdown, her boyfriend would leave her alone until she calms down. He feels overwhelmed and Astrid behavior disgusts him. No one could blame him for Astrid clinginess is suffocating.

Realizing that she drives him away further, Astrid would call him to apologize and promise not to do it again. But the pattern always repeats itself to the point that he no longer care and decides to end their relationship.

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry... ~ Pink

The end of her relationship further cemented her belief that everyone who comes into her life would end up leaving. She is destined to be alone forever. However, Astrid continues to search for that perfect someone who could stay with her forever. She is rarely without a boyfriend beyond a month.

When she is not with someone, Astrid feels empty and bored. She craves attention and connection and absolutely hates being alone. She has always been like this since her dad died when she was 4. She has little memories of him but she remembers his smiles and how he loved to spend time with her. And one day he was gone forever, leaving her with tremendous grief that never goes away. She carries this lingering sense of sadness and abandonment into her adulthood and she tries to recreate that special bond she had with her dad with her boyfriends.

And she failed miserably every single time.

The painting

Astrid is looking very sad and she ponders her bleak future "will I always be alone? is everyone going to leave me? why can't he stay? Doesn't he know that I need him?"

I used watercolor pencils to paint this portrait. I love watercolor pencil because it gives me a sense of control, unlike watercolor.

Here are the progress photos...