The Way We Cope - The Lost Boys Painting #3

In two of my previous posts, Lost Boys And My Inspirations and I Am Not Good Enough I talked about the Good Enough Parenting workshop that I attended several years ago. In this workshop, I learned quite a bit about Schema Therapy. The lessons I learned in this workshop is a part of my inspirations for the latest painting series I am currently working on.

The painting you see in this post is the third painting in this series. I called it "The Way We Cope" because it shows the 3 different coping styles when our "schema" or lifetrap is triggered. To those who are unaware, "schema" is the cognitions and emotions stored deep within our brains that are triggered when we encountered similar situations later in life. We all develop certain thinking patterns during our childhood. These patterns are influenced by our personality, and the environment around us. So as we grew older we all live according to our take on life during our growing years. Schemas distort views about ourselves and others.

For example, a child would develop emotional deprivation schema if he did not feel emotionally close to his parents when he was growing up. This child might have been left to himself a lot and as a result felt a huge void in his life that led to his anger and loneliness. So when this child grew up with this schema he would believe that no one could meet his primary emotional needs like affection, empathy, nurturance, and guidance. Later in life when he encountered situations that no one could empathize with him or give him the affection he so desperately needs his emotional deprivation schema would be triggered. And when it is triggered he would cope with either one of these 3 coping styles - surrendering, avoiding, or counter-attacking.

The surrenderer

The child who has surrender coping style deeply believe in the distorted view of himself and he would act in ways that confirm this distorted view. He believes that he is always at fault when something unpleasant happens. For example, if his mother says that he is naughty and stupid, he agrees with her in his heart. He truly believes that he is naughty, stupid and good for nothing. Therefore he has a low self-esteem and thinks other kids are better than him in all aspects. He tends to give in to others during arguments and apologize constantly, even if it's not his fault.

I painted this downcast girl to portray someone who has surrender coping style. She hangs her head in shame and believes in her heart that everything that goes wrong is her fault. She accepts the blame even if it has nothing to do with her.

She is a lost child who needs to hear the comforting words of assurance that she is loved unconditionally even if she is the one at fault.

The avoider

The child who has avoidance coping style tends to avoid unpleasant situations that cause her schema to be triggered. She is running away from the pain associated with those situations. She does not want to face the painful truth and avoid it by delaying thinking about it by distracting herself with other activities like reading books, watching movies, surfing the net. She dislikes talking about her issues and often has many excuses. Her goal is to avoid emotional pain at all costs.

It is very common for avoiders to have addiction issues like becoming alcoholic, taking drugs, or eating excessively. They indulge in this negative behaviour to forget their pain.

I painted this smirking girl to portray someone who has avoidance coping style. She rolls her eyes and avoid making eye contact with anyone. She refuses to get in touch with her feelings and face that unpleasant situation because it is too painful.

She is a lost child who needs a loving guidance from someone who can gently and patiently help her face her issues and tells her it is okay to face her fears because she is not alone in facing them.

The counter attacker

The child who is a counter attacker has the desire to fight what he believes is the underlying truth his lifetrap holds about him. He believes that he must fight as hard as he can to prove that what his lifetrap says about him is not true. When his schema is triggered, this child will feel emotionally attacked and he will counter-attack in order to prove that the negative feeling he has about himself is not true. When counter-attacking, this child tends to get defensive and lash in anger at the person who is triggering his schema. For example, he views disagreement as a threat and he will do anything to prove to others that they are wrong. He tends to throw his tantrums and shouts to get his point across. He often come across as someone who is rude, condescending and insensitive.

I painted this screaming boy to portray someone who has counter-attacking coping style. He shouts to be heard and will not back off even if he is in the wrong.

Despite his tough appearance, he is a lost child who is fragile and hurting inside. He needs someone who cares enough to tell him that it is okay to be vulnerable and express his hurts.

Now the question is, are you a surrenderer, or an avoider, or a counter-attacker?

The painting process

This is a stencil watercolor painting on watercolor paper. I cut 3 different stencils and traced them on the paper. Some parts of the details, especially the smaller ones were hand drawn. It is easier to draw the details than tracing them using stencils. The progress photos are shown below...