Did ya'll hear about that plane recently that had to make an emergency landing because of incessant farting?
Well... I decided to write a little skit that takes us Inside the Fart Plane.
What is SteemStar After Dark?
It's a brand new show on the Steemstar Network! Hosted by @CarrieAllen (Amazing Steemian Princess), @SirCork (Incredible Steemian Witness) and @ChrisRoberts (Just Me.)
We want this Friday night show to be mostly comedy, all original contributed material. Basically the Saturday night live of interactive net radio!
And here are the links to the show. Don't miss it!
YOUTUBE
STEEMSTAR 24/7 LIVE STREAM
TWITCH
Do you have some comedic material you've written that might be hilarious out loud on SteemStar After Dark? Or would you like to write something especially for us, like a skit or monologue?
It's not as tough as it seems to write funny little dialogues, and I could really use some help if we want to make this into the hilarity-riot I think it can be.
So don't be shy! Contact me or @carrieallen on discord and get involved!
On to the Script of the Hour!
INSIDE THE FART PLANE
by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
FRANK - A Husband
JILL - His Wife
ALICE - A mother
JIMMY - Her son
NARRATOR
High above the Atlantic Ocean, traveling east at 500 knots, flies
An airplane. It’s full of people on their way from one place to another,
As airplanes often are, but this plane is special. Little do they know,
The passengers of this aircraft will soon be pushed to brink of insanity,
Pushed by the driving force of one seemingly harmless bodily function.
Welcome to the fart plane.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Ladies and gentlemen, the captain would like me to inform you that the fasten seatbelt sign is now lit, as the Captain reports that we are approaching some mild turbulence. We ask you all to remain in your seats with your seatbelts safely fastened during this time. Thank you very much.
SOUND FX - FART
JILL
[poking her sleeping husband] Wake up. Hey. Hey. Hey!
FRANK
Wha- what- who? I’m up, I’m up…
JILL
Do you smell that?
FRANK
[groggily] I was dreaming about nachos…
JILL
Dammit, Frank. Wake up! Do you smell that?
FRANK
Do I smell wha-- Oh, that. Well now I do. You woke me up
For that? Why are you so proud of yourself?
JILL
Ugh. It wasn’t me, you idiot. [quietly] Somebody has been
Farting constantly for the last twenty minutes or so.
FRANK
Who is it?
JILL
I don’t know. Whoever he is, he’s being really sneaky about it.
Every once in awhile I hear a little squeaker, but it’s like he’s
Letting them out in controlled bursts.
FRANK
Why are you assuming it’s a man?
JILL
Just a hunch. Anyway he thinks by letting them out in slow controlled
Amounts like that he’s reducing our suffering. But all it’s done is create
A built-up smell that intensifies with every squeaker.
FRANK
You poor thing. I’m gonna go back to sleep.
JILL
I think if we could convince the guy to just let the whole thing
Out and get it done with, we’d all be better off. But he’s too afraid.
FRANK
He’s afraid of people like you, who want to humiliate him in front everyone
Here cause you can’t handle a little stinky air.
SOUND FX - FART
JILL
Christ’s sake, Frank. At least help me narrow down which row it’s
Coming from.
NARRATOR
The air is getting thicker by the minute with the stench of an unknown
Passenger’s gastro-intestinal troubles. The majority of the cloud has
Settled in the rear of the plane, where the issue has become completely
Impossible to ignore. Seven miles off the ground, trapped in a winged
Metal cannister with a farting madman, the passengers of the fart plane
Look longingly out the thick windows at the clean, clear air they fear they
May never breathe again.
SOUND FX - FART
JIMMY
I can’t take it anymore, mom!
ALICE
It’ll be okay, Jimmy. Mommy’s here. Just breathe through your
mouth , honey.
JIMMY
C’mon, What’s that gonna do?
ALICE
You won’t be able to smell the farts, because of science Jimmy.
JIMMY
That’s stupid. I’d rather smell the farts than taste ‘em.
ALICE
Suit yourself, Jimmy. Just please calm, down. You’ve got to set
An example for the other children on the plane.
JIMMY
But Mom, eveybody is freaking out! It’s so disgusting!
And it just keeps happening! Why, Mom? WHY!?
ALICE
Control yourself, young man.I know it’s awful. And I can’t say why.
Other than somebody ate something they shouldn’t have.
JIMMY
There’s parachutes, right?
ALICE
Of course, for emergencies, they have parachutes, but don’t
Worry. We won’t need those.
JIMMY
No! We could find the farting guy, give him a parachute and throw
Him out of the plane.
ALICE
That’s a little drastic, Jimmy. Just breathe through your mouth.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in the front of the fart-plane, tensions are only growing.
One passenger is continually banging on his overhead compartment,
Hoping to dislodge the breathing apparatus, with its precious oxygen.
Others are now following his lead. A couple in first class have clogged
Their nostrils with peanut butter in an attempt to block the horrific nasal
Assault from its all-permeating crusade.
FRANK
God-dammit Jill, would you drop it? I’m trying to pretend I’m some
Place where the air isn’t completely toxic.
JILL
[loudly] No! I’ve had enough of this! Stewardess!
FRANK
There’s no stewardess to help you! You think she would dare come
Through that door?! At least up front they have some refuge, but they’re
Not gonna help us! Can’t you see?! We’re on our own!
JILL
[shouting] Whoever is farting, please just stop! We don’t have to out
You to everyone… I’m pretty sure I know who you are, but if you just stop-
FRANK
Dammit, Jill! Don’t you think the son-of-a-bitch would stop if he
Could?!
JILL
No!!! I think he’s torturing us on purpose. I think yesterday he ate the
Exact combination of food that he knew would make him fart like this and
He’s tormenting us when he knows we can’t do anything about it!
FRANK
Always with the drama! And I suppose you’re going to save us all
And stop the farting! Fat chance!
JILL
Are you calling me fat?
FRANK
You’re ridiculous.
JILL
Enough! If we ever get off this plane alive, I want a divorce!
FRANK
Fine by me!
SOUND FX - FART
NARRATOR
In the back of the fart-plane, the passengers are losing hope as the
Cloud of putridity is almost visible. Unsupervised and ignoring the
Fasten seatbelt sign, the passengers are now clamouring about the
Plane, desperately seeking a breath of fresh air wherever they can
Find it.
SOUND FX - FART
JIMMY
[crying] Do you think we’ll ever see Dad again?
ALICE
[worried, patronizing] You bet we will, Jimmy. You know what?
Rules be damned, I’m turning my phone on. I’ve got to reach out…
JIMMY
I can’t see. My eyes are watering too much from the smell. The
Smell is in my eyes!
ALICE
Just close your eyes, honey. Be strong for Mommy. I’m calling
Your father.
JIMMY
People are shouting in the front of the plane! Do you think that’s
Where the farter is?
ALICE
I don’t know, son. I don’t know. Damn! Went to voicemail. Hello, Hank
It’s me and Jimmy. We’re on the plane and, I don’t want to alarm you but
There’s some scary stuff going on and well… we just wanted to tell you
How much we love you…
JIMMY
I love you, Dad!
ALICE
That’s Jimmy! Anyway we love you… Talk soon. I hope.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated during these difficult times. It is imperative that we all stay calm. The captain is aware of the current… situation and has ordered an emergency landing, to occur in 15 minutes. The captain would also like to ask that the identity of the farting person not be revealed. There is a fine line between disorder and chaos, and the captain would like to urge you all to stay on the right side of that line. Thank you, and please enjoy our encore presentation of the final scene from Toy Story 2. Sit down and shut up.
NARRATOR
And so the passengers of the fart-plane sit quietly as Toy Story 2
Drones on, attempting to block out as much of their current situation
As possible. As the farts begin to increase in both intensity and
Frequency, the unfortunate passengers all share one curiosity. What
Will the next fifteen minutes hold? For fifteen minutes can seem like
A lifetime when you’re a passenger on the Fart Plane.
Would you like to perform in this sketch tonight? Join us tonight for SteemStar After Dark!
