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Here's my script. It's called Mosquitoes Suck, part of the Animals Suck series. Enjoy!
MOSQUITOES SUCK
By Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
NARRATOR
NANCY - A Mother Mosquito
GEORGE (female) - One of her Young
NARRATOR
In a small puddle, near the front porch of the Hendersons’ home on a quiet Sunday morning, a female mosquito sits patiently waiting for the first of her 300 offspring to appear. She had laid the eggs a mere two days ago, her larvae had time to grow underwater, and now they were ready to emerge, full-grown mosquitoes, ready to suck. The Hendersons are having a barbecue today, and little do they know that surrounding their home, hundreds of tiny examples of this very scene are being played out… Look out, it’s spawning day!
NANCY
Hum-de-ho de-dee, three hundred babies for me! I love spawning day! I see them down there, all my lovely little babies, swimming for the surface of the water. I’m so proud of you all! Don’t worry, mama’s here! I’ve done this all before, and there’s nothing to worry about. Just swim up to the sound of my voice. That’s the way!
NARRATOR
One by one, the mosquito pupa begin breaching the surface of the puddle, like tiny soldiers assembling their ranks. The mother mosquito expertly guides them into this strange new world.
NANCY
Just like that, my babies! Just sit on the surface of the puddle until your wings come all the way out. If you try flying before your wings are out you’re in for some trouble.
NARRATOR
As the brand new mosquitoes’ wings finish sprouting, they begin to gather into two large clusters.
NANCY
That’s it, babies! Boys over here, girls over here! Now boys, you’re just going to hang out here at the puddle, drinking water. The water will help you grow big, so drink up! And no poking each other with your pointy noses. Water just doesn’t do it for me and your sisters, so I’m going to take them to the backyard and show them the ropes. I’m sure you’ll all be fine here in the puddle in the meantime. Let’s keep the rough-buzzing and horsefly-play to a minimum, shall we, gentlemen?
TINY VOICE
What’s the backyard?
NANCY
Oh my! Who’s that? Who said that?
TINY VOICE
It was me! Where’s the backyard? What is the backyard?
NANCY
My my, aren’t you a little over-achiever? Already talking, and the only one!
TINY VOICE
Big deal. We go from larva to instinctively flying in a matter of days and you’re impressed that I’m talking?
NANCY
That’s a great point, tiny one. But don’t get ahead of yourself. Make sure you pay attention to your lessons.
TINY VOICE
Yeah yeah yeah. No problem. So about the backyard… Is it far? Do I need to pack a sandwich to go?
NANCY
Oh, nothing like that, it’s just on the other side of the house… but aren’t you inquisitive? So curious… I think I’ll call you George.
GEORGE
But I’m a girl!
NANCY
You sure are, George. A beautiful girl! And now, follow me, and bring your sisters!
NARRATOR
The female cluster of young mosquitoes obediently follows their mother, as she leads them to the backyard, where the Hendersons’ barbecue guests are already arriving.
GEORGE
What’s that delicious smell, mama?
NANCY
Why, it’s the grill! Listen my children! You must always find the grill. Around it gather the humans upon which we must feed.
GEORGE
Is that the grill, where that smoke is rising?
NANCY
Yes, but we mustn’t go to close to the grill. What we’re looking for is exposed human flesh.
GEORGE
That huge guy standing by the grill has a ton of exposed flesh.
NANCY
Trust me, George. The smoke from the grill would ruin the experience for you.
GEORGE
So we’re just going with George for my name?
NANCY
Absolutely. That’s what you get for being so curious. You see that rectangular pond over there?
GEORGE
Yeah, so what?
NANCY
Well, it’s not a pond at all, but a swimming pool. Humans gather around it on the hottest days, wearing almost nothing, and sometimes actually nothing.
GEORGE
Like that lady over on the other side of the pool? She’s hardly wearing anything.
NANCY
And no smoke in the air! Plus she’s sleeping, which makes her a perfect practice subject for my beautiful daughters. Follow me girls!
NARRATOR
The large cloud of tiny mosquitoes follow their mother to the other side of the swimming pool, where they hover safely above the young sunbathing woman. They eagerly await their mother’s demonstration.
NANCY
So basically, I just swoop down, as quickly and unnoticed as I possibly can. Total stealth isn’t the name of the game. It’s most important to just get in their, do your business and get out. Don’t dilly dally, remember that every time you go in to feed, your life is at risk
GEORGE
You can’t make me risk my life to eat! Hunger strike, sisters!
NANCY
Suit yourself, but your sisters can’t even understand you, George. They don’t know what a hunger strike is. It’s risky, sure, but it’s part of being a mosquito. Just watch, everybody!
NARRATOR
Nancy, the mosquito matron swoops down and lands gingerly on the neck of the sleeping sunbather, who does not so much as twitch. In a moment, her long proboscis had penetrated the leathery human skin and was slurping the precious blood from the human’s veins.
NANCY
[with mouth full] And don’t quit too early. If they didn’t notice you and you feel like you’re in the clear, just drink up until you’ve had your fill.
NARRATOR
Finally, Nancy the mosquito has had her fill. She pulls her proboscis from the human’s neck and flies back up to her cloud of daughters.
NANCY
So you see children… That’s pretty much how it’s done. Questions, George?
GEORGE
How much blood do they have?
NANCY
Oh, it’s unlimited. They just keep making more.
GEORGE
Then why are they always trying to kill us?
NANCY
Because they’re afraid of a little itch. Oh look! More guests are arriving. You see how they’re all different shapes and sizes, children?
GEORGE
Yeah, what’s up with that? We all look the same, but they’re all way different.
NANCY
Different person, different blood, every time. Every person’s blood is a unique representation of them.
GEORGE
So how do we know which ones are best?
NANCY
Excellent question, George! You’ll want to avoid the skinny ones and the ones that move really fast. They always taste the worst.
GEORGE
So mainly the fat ones?
NANCY
To over-generalize… yes. And you see that man down there? He just finished his third beer, and he’s only been here about ten minutes. He’ll be one to watch. May not taste the best now, but a little later he’ll be a sweet treat.
GEORGE
From the beer, you mean?
NANCY
Oh yes. The beer sweetens up his blood, while also significantly dehydrating him, so he’ll be just delicious… and he’ll be so drunk he won’t notice. We’ll all have a feast!
GEORGE
Wow, this is great! Thanks for all those great tips, mama!
NANCY
I think you girls are ready, and I’m sure you’re getting hungry!
GEORGE
I know I am!
NANCY
My brood is so lucky to have been born on barbecue day!
NARRATOR
As the young mosquitoes fly gleefully toward the unsuspecting humans proboscis first, Nancy looks down at her little ones with pride, thinking fondly that in just a few weeks time, all her young would be fully grown and ready to have multiple broods of their own. Always remember… Mosquitoes suck.
