Five Sure-Fire Ways to Bomb Out on Steemit

Everyone tells you how to make it here...
But, do you have what it takes to achieve a truly epic fail?

I'm sure you've seen them all:

Maybe you've even written one. Today, let's go for the gold instead; let's talk about how to really bomb out on Steemit!

Note: If you have no appreciation for sarcasm, please move along...

Doing Steemit *Your* Way!...

Doing Steemit Your Way!...
Amazing graphic logo courtesy of @dunja

1. Don't read or vote for anyone else.

Seems obvious; but it's not easy! I know those articles look interesting, but remember: you're here to make a pile of cash, not to waste your precious time reading. You need to spend every spare minute creating content, writing posts. Heck with the rest of 'em — let somebody else read what they have to say! — it's probably actually pretty boring anyway.

However, if you must open an article, be sure to just skim it. Actually reading and thinking about what some author says just encourages them, which is of absolutely no benefit to you.

No point making friends here...

No point making friends here...
Photo courtesy of Kevin Curtis and http://unsplash.com

2. Avoid making any friends here.

Remember, those articles that scroll by your feed? Those are by other writers — your competition here on Steemit. They are not your friends, so don't act like they are.

If at all possible, don't leave comments under their posts. If you just can't help yourself, be sure your comments are nasty. If you can't work up to nastiness, at least try to be critical.

The next best approach is arrogance, which ought to be pretty easy for you as you already know everything of any importance. Maybe even try some sarcasm? You wouldn't want another writer getting a big head and out-doing you, now, would you?

3. Just toss off some mediocre stuff.

Remember, nobody here gives a rip about what you say anyway. They don't deserve your best efforts; save those for Reddit or Facebook.

Here on Steemit, you should be able to slide by and watch your wallet go "chaCHING!" by posting the most drivel in the shortest amount of time. If it's good enough for you to spend ten minutes on, it damn well ought to be good enough for your Steemit audience. No one reads it, anyway.

4. Don't follow anybody who's nobody.

All that ever does is clutter up your feed. It's OK to follow some of the wealthiest whales; they don't seem to post very often anyhow, and they're worth toadying up to.

Exception: If you can sucker someone into doing a "follow me" tit-for-tat exchange, go for it! Just remember to come back and unfollow them a week or so later. They're probably not all that sophisticated anyway, and will likely never notice. Just try to be as unpredictable about dropping them possible.

Piss off as many people as possible.

Piss off as many people as possible.
Photo courtesy of allenlee and http://pixabay.com

5. Piss off as many people as possible.

This is the real goods; try some arbitrary flagging. Better yet, pick out some authors you really don't like, or who write on topics that you generally disagree with. Flag them! This works especially well if you are lucky enough to find a dolphin or a whale to flag.

For extra bonus points, when you flag an article, ignore my previous advice not to comment. With the flag, add a really snarky comment to achieve maximum insult effect. You don't need their votes anyway, you've got plenty of 'bot action going on, right?

Thanks for reading (ha, ha, as if you actually read this!)

If you faithfully follow the advice I've bestowed, your reputation should hit rock bottom in no time. You may even become something of a legendary folk hero here. Who knows, perhaps you'll be able to sell your account for big bucks one of these days as a rare and vintage "Steemit antique!"

Acknowledgements:

I couldn't have managed to be this snarky without the inspiration I've gotten from several actual Steemians, who will remain unmentioned! I only wish that I hadn't had to figure this all out by watching others. Why couldn't someone have given me good advice like this six months ago, when I signed up for Steemit? It might have helped hold me back and keep me poor and humble.

Thanks for your time and attention.
I wouldn't be here on Steemit if it weren't for you, my readers!
I have very eclectic interests and hope, over time, to write about all of them.