It is time to say goodbye....

It is time to say goodbye.

Ben Folds Five - Brick.
The melody to this song was playing and helped me finish writing my goodbye letter to you.

It was the summer of 2003 when I met the family.

They allowed me to join their family vacation in Branson, Missouri. Joining a family of ten siblings is AWESOME! They are all so different and full of life. Boating, jet skiing, and eating was the name of the game during that weekend. They also love an activity called cliff jumping.

Have you done this before?

From the lake looking up it looks like a great deal of fun. You run/climb the side of the hill and jump at the top into the lake.
Simple enough right?

Guess who went all the way up, took one look down, and questioned it all?

It was terrifying. The little siblings climbed up and down a million times,whispering words of encouragement as they jumped and yelling from below to give me courage.

They saw my fear and allowed me the space to take the leap in my own time. There I stood, knees shaking for a little over thirty minutes. All I saw were the rocks closing in. The safe spot to jump slowly shrank. I could hear my legs cracking and breaking into a million pieces for jumping into the rocks instead of the water.

As a million ways to die replayed in my mind I did the impossible...

I closed my eyes, took a breath, and jumped to my death.

The cheers from the family a mile away were hilarious. At the end of my trip each family member hugged and said good bye. One of the quietest brothers even made a sweet comment,

"You are awesome Kubby."

My heart melted.

The Surprise

A friend named @posticsnake said, Your soul will find the silence you are looking for and your tears will tell your story. This friend wrote a post called Grief, it rolls up in waves and I allow them to bethere

It brought me great peace...

A facebook post led to a text. This text completely shook the ground I stood on. A family friend that I had vacationed with took their own life. We celebrated their life and avoided the questions.

At least I do. Thankfully, no one is asking the questions I don’t care to know the answers to.

The details of it do not bring me peace.

So please don’t ask the what or the where; the details don’t matter. There is no answer that will bring him back. There is no answer that will dry the tears, heal the pain, and comfort the family. We are at a loss. We are mourning together.

All that to say, I apologize for the delay in response with the comments. I find myself at a loss for words. I cry randomly, and randomly forget it all together. I find sitting in silence with my family brings me the most comfort. I don’t know why, but reading about grief brings me comfort.

Must be something about not being alone in it all.

So feel free to share if you have had a similar experience. Share as little or as much as you would like, but please do not share about suicide awareness information.

Goodbye dear friend.
I will not so soon forget you.