My children are in their twenties now (I survived woohoo!) but they are still my children and I have learnt a lot over the years. In this story i will take you through my experience of the teenage years.
Have you ever had that feeling that you have slipped into a third dimention? Somewhere that no one can see you and you are invisible…. an entity that just floats from day to day. Resting in the formidable truth that no matter how many star jumps, cartwheels, laughs or tantrums you deliver, you will remain unnoticed. What a wonderful feeling floating through life on a fluffy cloud without a care in the world ……………….and then BANG! You hit the ground like an anchor with the distant sound of a whaling high pitched voice that knocks you off your cloud and back into reality. “Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
………………And there it is.
What once was a warm lovely gentle voice turns into what can only be described as a hollow blast of sound, similar to the dragging and dull delivery of a foghorn.
As i welcome you into my world i stand high and introduce myself. My name is Sarah and this is my bible to the care of two delightful teenagers. I offer you guidance and support in the best way i know how. The following includes 6 tips on how to survive teenagers.
Good luck and remember teenagers aren’t just for Christmas………..THEY ARE FOR LIFE ! (Well technically 7 years of it!)
Disclaimer: Please don’t get me wrong, I adore my big kids with all my heart, and i love them unconditionally. This is only made in jest. Also i wanted to get my blog in first before they do their version because that would be really embarrassing!
Here are 6 amazing tips on how to survive living with teenagers!
Become the smiling assassin
I will help you to understand the concept of smiling without reason. The bottom line is if you smile to your teen without warning or prompt then you are immediately thrown into the category of “unpredictable”. This is not good for either party but gives you the upper hand.
Here is a case study:
The teen I will name Alice has walked in to find her mother making a drink in the kitchen. “Hello sweet pea. Would you like a drink?”
This immediately unnerves Alice who starts asking questions to herself ………..what is she up too, why is she smiling strangely. I haven’t achieved anything today, I’m not in early and I have just had my nose pierced which has failed to cause a reaction……………..shit……………what do I do now ?
Alice shuffles along the kitchen floor to the bottom of the stairs and slings her coat over the banister.
“WAIT……………………………” Mother shouts from the kitchen.
Ha……..knew it…………..Alice thought. She was just trying to lead me to a sense of false security. I know her game.
The mother who I shall call Karen, walks up to Alice and looks straight at Alice’s Nose leaving her feeling very uncomfortable. “What’s that on your nose?”
“It’s a ring………… on my nose………………….it’s called a nose ring…………..der…!”
“I can see that Alice. Where did you get that done”. At this point Karen is still staring strangely at Alice’s nose.
“None of your business, I’m 16 I can have my nose done if I want” Alice moved away and starting marching upstairs.
Karen stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted up to Alice. “Alice I’m only asking because I am thinking of having mine done.”
Alice turned her head round quickly with a very good impression of an owl, her eyes as wide as saucers. Her face had turned into a deep shade of crimson.
Karen looked up at Alice with that innocent smile and ventured back off into the kitchen.
Get my drift yet?
Understand you are not Gok Wan
Resist the urge to comment on bad hair even when it looks detached from the head. In this instance keep calm and do not make eye contact. Once you do you are on thin grounds and its flight or fight mode. Result, high level of verbal abuse and in the worse case scenario, heavy flying objects.
Tip: Don’t say anything. Seriously it is not worth it.
I once made a genuine suggestion to my daughter about her hair. She didn’t talk to me for three days. One day I tried to ring her and she had left her mobile on the kitchen top. I heard it ring and the music could only be described as death music. I also noticed that under her contacts I was known as mother of all evil. I wonder If she realised she was actually insulting herself?
Recognise the Nostalgic Defeat
Ok this is where you have to get a little tricky. As we get a little older we have a lot more memories welike to share. Even teens like to take the odd trip done memory lane, but there is a condition, THEY have to lead the conversation. If you attempt to recreate the memory you will automatically become a liar or have graduated in the school of exaggeration.
Here is another case study. Please take note.
Teenager Eddie is on his XBOX with the really popular kid at college. They are playing some weird game which involves shooting people ( I know very descriptive) when mother comes into the room.
“Erm... do you want something mother” says Eddie slightly annoyed that his personal space has been invaded.
“Just wondered what you boys would like for tea. I’m doing cowboy beans and jacket spuds, just how you like them.”
“Mum I haven’t had cowboy beans since I was 6, anything will do. Do you mind we are in the middle of a game.”
“sorry son” says his mum. As she walks towards the door she turns around to the television screen.
“Can you remember when you used to save all the toilet roll inners to make trenches for your plastic soldiers? Hasn’t time changed, wasn’t any of this when I was younger. We used to have a commadore 64 back then”
“Mum can you go now please”
“Can you remember when your dad had that accident. You know I remember it as clear as day it was summer 2009, your dad slipped on that pile of jenga that you made for your barriers. Broke his ankle in 2 places”
“2009, wouldn’t that of made you 12 ?” Stan asked alarmingly.
“You’re doing it again mum stop exaggerating, you’re always exaggerating. If I did play with any kind of solider it was when I was a kid like kids do.
“No it was certainly 2009, the day Michael Jackson died. Your dad said if he hadn’t broke his foot he’d do his signature moonwalk in remembrance.
“Mum you’re doing it again, stop lying. God you’re always making stuff up. Why has this got any relevance to anything. Why are you in my room and why do you continue to keep talking”
“I’m just making conversation . I’ll leave you boys to it. I’m not lying son... remember your dad said that you deliberately did the jenga thing and started calling you the smooth criminal”
“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum”
And with that mum was ushered out of room with the door slammed firmly behind her.
Stay away from any related social media
Don’t comment on your teens facebook status more than 3 times in a row. Their friends will think it’s funny but I guarantee your offspring wont. After an insulting comment consisting of a swearword you will be kindly told to do one. Result: you become blocked.
Tip: Stay clear
Example: Facebook status:
Daughter: Think I’m going to dye my hair red again.
Mother: Ahhhh no I like it the way it is. Leave it its natural now.
Daughter: I’m gonna block you if you keep commenting.
Mother: Sorry. What sort of red are you going?
Daughter: last chance.
Mother: Ok won’t do it again. What do you want for your tea?
BLOCKED !!!!!!
Understand that their bedrooms are a breeding ground. Stay safe.
Don’t enter your teen’s bedroom unarmed. The scratches from the rats and the scabies will never really clear up. This is not all, you will never be prepared for the wrathe of the offspring once they find out you have entered the cave. Result: Mental and physical long term damage.
Here is a tip for you; I have attempted to get in the cave on many occasions and you have to keep on top of this. Teens will go to any lengths to hoard rubbish and generally keep a filthy room. One year I got the most amazing present for my daughter. Her eyes lit up when she saw the parcel. The parcel was almost the size of her. Looking extremely confused as to what it could be she eagerly tore off the paper, glared at the present for two minutes let out some very unpleasant words and stormed off. As she liked her bedroom being a pit I thought I’d take a picture of it and put it on a 4ft by 3ft canvas. When she flew upstairs in a fit of rage to slam her bedroom door I got another flood of unpleasant words. She couldn’t find her door to slam. Now I wonder where that went?
Leave the sex education to the schools. You will never get it right and they will make you feel more uncomfortable than you could ever imagine.
Result: scarlet faces, unnecessary conversations and an embarrassed violated banana hosting a condom!
I used to work with Young People in sex education. We had a robotic penis that used to move and well make motions that I’m too embarrassed to say. However my job was to promote safe sex and of course educate Young People on sex- basically! Now if you have ever worked in this field you will understand that anyone seeing a robotic willy is slightly alarming or extremely hilarious for people of any age. Young People being no exception. I like to think that for the majority, they listened and took in the education and this helped them to lead normal healthy sexual lives as they grew into adults. I felt i had achieved something amazing with these young people and giving out condoms to those who disclosed they were sexually active, gave me a sense of accomplishment that they had listened to my advice and decided to be sensible and safe. So to walk out of the drop in centre with my colleague to find an array of condoms floating along the railings soon flattened my dream of reducing unsafe sex statistics!
In regards to my children I resulted in using code words to get the message across because whenever I tried to broach the conversation, I was embarassing and inappropriate. Not to mention I was repeating what they had learnt at school. So what I did was come up with some key phrases like, “keep your wellies on” and “no glove, no love”. It seemed to work. Although I did get completely shunned shouting it outside the school gates.
Final key points. Of course a lot of the above is said in jest (well most of it) but again I am going to put a positive slant on living with teenagers because the good always outways the bad. I was an awful teenager, and I am very thankful mine have grown up to be ambitious and intelligent Young Adults, even if they are strongly opinionated and can outwit me on any given opportunity.
6 reasons to appreciate your teens:
• You can slim down or fatten up to pinch their clothes. They will have a better dress sense than you anyway
• If you wear something inappropriate they will save your embarrassment by being the first to tell you.
• They are generally much better at technology
• They will gang up on anyone who is horrible to you. Mainly because that’s their job.
• They will keep you fit with their endless demands.
• After many years of pretending they hate you when they actually start showing they love you will be so appreciative you will be the happiest person EVER!
To summarise
Keep calm, say little, do a lot, keep your purse/wallet within reaching distance and make sure you’re always available. Do not smile unless it’s absolutely life threatening and ensure you keep off any related social networking sites. If you stick to the above rules you should be safe and always remember that you will never be right. Do the above and it should add years to your life span!