Here's the deal. I have two tattoos... one huge, badass quarter sleeve of pitch black crows flying across my arm/shoulder... and this little heart.
I wanted to enter my crows (I have 9) but I felt compelled to tell this story.
It's no secret that I struggle with depression and anxiety. I am normally able to manage it fairly well, but while in college things took a turn for the worse. I ended up dropping out and moving back in with my parents as I struggled to regain my health. I thought things would start to look up but boy was I wrong.
One day, sitting at my favorite coffee shop, I caught sight of the cutest barista. I blushed when he slid my latte across the counter and almost passed out when he asked me on a date. With little experience dating (I had never even been kissed before), I quickly fell in love.
To be fair, I want to make sure you know he struggled with problems as well including depression. But I've come to terms with the fact that it is no excuse for the way he treated me. For two years I suffered without realizing the effect he had on my life. He yelled at me for unfolding a blanket. He reprimanded me for using a dish towel to dry dishes. He made fun of everything I said until I spent hours in silence and soon stopped talking altogether.
He dismissed my emotions when I confessed I loved him.
But worst of all, as he sat as his kitchen table with the needle of heroin stuck in his vein, his glazed eyes looked at me and he laughed.
"You're going to need therapy after knowing me!"
He called me bitch. He called me cunt. He called me every foul word you can imagine. When I finally said that enough was enough, he said GOOD RIDDANCE.
Forcing him out of my life was the smartest decision I've ever made but it was hard. You can't choose who you fall in love with even if they do not deserve it. But I struggled for months afterwards... unable to even think intimate thoughts without inducing a panic attack and experiencing terrible PTSD symptoms. His words followed me, echoing in my thoughts, until I almost went crazy.
But then one day with crystal clarity, I realized that everything was going to be okay. I understood that the experience was a part of my life I couldn't forget or ignore so I decided to accept it and move on. I got this heart tattoo as a representation of my past love for him and my acceptance of that fact. It happened. I can't change that fact. But it's okay now. I've moved on (and found someone much better).
I decided a while ago that I needed to tell my story in a more concrete manner than a blog post. So I am extremely proud and apprehensive to announce that I am in the (slow) process of writing an ebook about my experience.
That's the cover I had designed. I'm in love with it and whenever I get discouraged, I look at it for inspiration! I wanted to have the book finished by Christmas (in 3 months) but it's most likely going to take much longer than that. But that's okay! I have faith in myself (even if only a very, very little).
Thank you for listening to my story and for considering my entry in this contest @papa-pepper and @girlbeforemirror.
Upvote if you like :) most of the funds from this website that I receive go towards the creation of this book :)
<3 lscottphotos