There, I said it. Tough to swallow, huh?
Quite too often, people find it relatively easy — sometimes, too easy — to dish out criticism while at the same time having a tremendously difficult time to accept ones that come their way. Not unlike a one-way street that goes ballistic on anyone that counter flows. It’s tough to admit but it’s almost a fact.
This happens whether at work or in our personal lives. Some might argue that it’s almost human nature. Almost, but not quite. Stepping back a bit to examine what the possible root causes are, one glaring reason that could be pointed out is: our sense of self.
I am an individual, you are an individual, the whole world is a place that consists of individuals. We separate ourselves from the world around us through our own self-expression. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s our right to do so. However, for all its advantages, there is an equal number of drawbacks as well.
One of which is that, we regard ourselves too highly. This is the reason why we give unwarranted criticism to subject matters we consider ourselvesexperts to. (I regard that with an asterisk because I prescribe to Malcolm Gladwell’s definition of an expert) This is also the reason why we take criticism too harshly, because we feel that we could never have any fault. Even though we don’t want to admit it, we think of ourselves as better than everyone else, or at least better than someone else. I’m pretty sure that by now many of you already have one eyebrow raised higher than the other; this, of course, demonstrates my point.
The earlier statement was not meant to generalize; there are many people who are above that dilemma — the ones who wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge that fact. We fall prey to human emotions, which at its core, is the faultiest thing that ever exists. That’s not to say that we can never have any workarounds for that.
Another is that, we regard ourselves too lowly. It’s counter-intuitive, I know. The better way to look at it is that we are our harshest critics. It’s not that we sell ourselves short, it’s just that we feel inadequate at the worst possible times. We have a skewed sense of self when we look at it introspectively. It’s a difficult hurdle to surpass, considering that the loudest voices are the ones in your head. With everyone too caught up in their own head, it’s hard to set up a solid support system for times when you feel down.
Personally, I don’t believe in criticism, even though I fall victim to self-criticism more times than I dare count. (Who’s to say that criticism doesn’t believe in me as well?) Many people think that positive reinforcement is a weak practice — that’s their opinion, I respect that but I believe in the opposite. Human beings have the capacity to achieve great things, individually and collectively. In an ideal world, we have already propelled ourselves into the far reaches of possibility. Unfortunately, the world we live in is far from ideal, and we find ourselves still tethered to ground. Nay, holding each other down.
We can fault human emotion all we want, but it’s never going to solve anything. What we can do, however, is to improve on ourselves one step at time, and hopefully it would catch on.
On Taking Criticism
As mentioned earlier, the world we live in is far from ideal. It would be far likely that you would encounter criticism in your daily life than you could bargain for. Many people just swallow their pride, others develop a thick skin — those are more difficult than people lead you to believe. Here are a few things that could help ease the process:
Listen. It’s the toughest thing to do sometimes, but one might argue that it’s the most integral. You’re being criticized for a reason, so the best way to avoid similar situations in the future is to pinpoint the direct cause.
You are only human. “Error” is a human concept used to describe something that was other than the desired result. In turn, the concept has now forever tied up with the concept of humanity. 9 times out of 10, you would be making something other people consider as an error. It’s alright. Breathe. It’s okay. That’s not to say that you are free to go on and repeat everything as is; take it as a learning experience and improve upon it. Don’t be too hard on yourself; you were not born having figured everything out from the onset.
Be accountable. If and when you do commit errors, own up to them and don’t make excuses or pass the blame to other people. The buck should stop with you. There’s nothing else to say than just don’t be a scumbag. From personal experience, these loathsome individuals who can’t admit to their faults are one of the worst kinds of people you would meet, professionally or personally.
Make the criticism your own. It’s a helpful practice to segregate which part of the criticism can be used to improve yourself from which aren’t. People who give criticism from a personal standpoint can’t be avoided, no matter how much you try. Trust me. The best thing you can do is to just filter out their flavoring and keep the ones that you can apply. Most criticism aren’t shallow, and there are some parts that you can mine from them. List them down and phrase them the way you would phrase things from your viewpoint. It gives these tiny little reminders a more personal touch.
Get out of your head. Whether it’s self-criticism, warranted or unwarranted, professional or otherwise, you can’t help but take it personal. Again, it’s alright. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to feel positive when you are commended or dejected when confronted. It’s best to just accept it right now, that our emotions get the better of us from time to time, but we don’t have to be their slaves. Step back a bit, and see the world through fresh eyes. Look at criticism from a different perspective and you’ll be surprised at how much helpful some of them may be. Depression and anger clouds our judgment; thinking that you are better than these emotions doesn’t make you a better person — just a braggart. Embrace theses emotions; learn to live harmoniously with them, accept that from time to time they will spring forth from your chest.
Breathe. It’s unavoidable to receive criticism that is delivered far too harshly. It’s okay — just inhale, exhale, and repeat. Nothing much you can do about how the criticism is delivered, the only thing you can do in the middle of receiving it is not to take it too personally. “Don’t take it personally” — easy to say but hard to do. It takes a lot of effort, but it is all worth it in the end. Take useless criticism with a grain of salt, but don’t forget to digest the ones you can utilize.
Have a genuine interest to improve. When it comes down to it, no one can really help us but ourselves. As the great Bob Marley put it, “None but ourselves could free our mind.” It is hard to accept our weaknesses, but knowing them and learning to accept them is the most effective buffer against criticism. Improve yourself slowly from the ground up, so that there could be less and less that people would criticize. Inevitably, there would still be some things, but at least you are already aware of most — if not all — of them.
Be thankful. Some people give criticism out of genuine care, but you can never know which ones do. Show gratitude to each and every one instead — they took the time to comment, and if it’s not just shallow jibes, you can be sure that they gave the criticism at least some thought. You don’t want to come off as arrogant, thinking you are above everyone else. Each and every person has some things to improve on.
On Giving Criticism
Now that you know how bad it feels like to be given criticism, be mindful when you dish out ones of your own. You can avoid criticizing people, there are tons of other ways to help people improve, but if you can’t here are a couple of things you can apply:
Be empathic. On the other end of a criticism, you wouldn’t want to get shouted at or cursed to special hells, right? Neither does anyone else. (Except maybe for masochistic people) Start your criticism off right — the way you would want to hear it. Choose your words well. Be mindful about how others would feel no matter how dumb the mistake that was committed was. It is easier to control how you convey criticism that controlling your emotions while on the receiving end. You make mistakes too — you’re not perfect.
Get your facts straight. There is nothing worse than giving criticism without concrete knowledge of the situation, especially if your criticism is unwarranted. Make sure you’re pointing your barbs in the right direction, before you let your words fly.
Don’t make it personal. This is a direct reference to not taking it personally, obviously. If you have no choice but to give criticism, then the best you can do is be as objective as you can. Separate the name and face from the situation. If you’re close to the person you are criticizing, then you might not give an effective one. Conversely, if you’re not fond of the person you are criticizing, then there’s a chance that you may give a useless, hurtful criticism. Don’t take it as an opportunity to initiate a vendetta.
Be encouraging. It doesn’t hurt to give words of encouragement to motivate the person you are giving the criticism to. A little goes a long way here, and the receiver of the criticism would definitely remember this kindness.
Propose solutions. One thing that irks me when I receive criticism is when people deliver them too harshly but don’t have a definite solution in mind. It’s easy to give criticism because your job ends there, until the next one. But, what about if you’re on the other side, no clue as to what you need to do to get your job done, amidst a seemingly endless barrage of criticism. Have a heart. If you have any clue how to alleviate the situation, then impart your knowledge. Obviously, you’re the one giving criticism because you have a higher position or you have advanced knowledge than the one receiving it, so why not carry a little load if you have room in your shoulders?
Praise improvements. Just like giving words of encouragement, sometimes a little praise showing that you notice even the slightest of improvements could help boost morale a lot. There’s a thin line between coddling and giving a slight pat in the back for a job well done … Well, the line’s not thatthin, but people sometimes misconstrue the difference.
In summation, it all comes down, once again, to one’s self. All these improvements, all the criticism and suggestions won’t have any effect if you do not take a proactive approach in improving yourself. So, don’t be too hard on yourself, take criticism lightly, and breathe.
Photo Credits: Walking Through The Light by Maliz Ong (http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=51041&picture=walking-through-the-light)
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