I was unconscious. That is why it's the guy's fault. Also, I wasn't in his bed. He came from the couch and assaulted me. And he also questioned why I was in that situation. The post is about a person I was friends with for 8 years raping me when we drank together. Why was I having drinks with a very long time friend? Really?

So anyways, this last straw with the blog created to mock me really triggered me. I spent my entire life being told to not talk about my rape and blamed for it. It took a long time to finally come out and talk about it. And having a person create a blog solely to mock me and call me a liar just wrecked me. I was shaking and sobbing and had to sleep with the lights on because of my PTSD.

I had posted a blog saying how I was done blogging here about my rape/at all for awhile. I got on facebook and posted there that I was done blogging about my rape. The thing is, on facebook I am a mentor to a lot of women, some of them young, who I am in a support group with and many of them were very inspired and empowered by my blog. One woman commented on my blog about quitting because of the cyber-bullying and said "This is why I am quiet about my abuse".

That set me off.
I remembered why I was doing this in the first place. I remembered that this, people like this are the reason so many women are silent about their abuse. So I decided to come back today with a blog called "Voices for Victims" with stories from women in a support group I am part of telling me about why they are afraid to talk about their rape.

I will continue regularly featuring in-depth stories from victims who are too afraid to tell their story.
(I was open to getting stories from men too, but received none. A lot of my stories were gathered from a female group and also regarding men who are my friends they may be afraid to come forward even to me as they probably have a lot of fear about coming out because of how men are "supposed" to act in modern society and how they are treated if they display vulnerability.)

So, here are the stories of victims, like me, who are afraid to speak about their abuse/assaults:

20/F

"I don't speak out because when I was taken advantage of and had my virginity stolen at 13 by a 24 year old man, I was treated like a prostitute at the hospital when they did my rape kit and was asked "did I want to spend the rest of my life doing things like this?" I wore rainbow knee high socks and a children's Hollister shirt that I never got back. It took me years to even come to terms with the fact that I didn't lose my virginity, but that I was actually raped because of the way I was treated by the nurses. And my family also treated me like I was dirty, foolish, and a slut. Even though he was almost twice my age and gave me drugs and alcohol."

25/F

"It is really traumatic when your mother is sitting in your bedroom yelling at you for not being silent. The funny thing is I hadn't told anyone. No one knew anything. She was telling me about how I was disgrace and how I was ruining our families reputation. That is why I have not told people what's really happened to me until recently which is when my friend told me that my personality type is why it keeps happening."

27/F

"When I initially told my husband what happened I told him I had sex with someone. I used to drink. Alot. And thought I was cheating. Honestly it almost broke up our marriage. I was drinking the entire night and the guy hadn't drank anything. I was sitting on his lap and making out with him in front of a bunch of people I don't know and even that part is hazy. Something happened outside of the party we were at oral sex I think. And then I remember him on top of me in his car. The first time I realized it was rape, I told my friend I wasn't sober at all. His eyes got really wide and he was like "oh shit". I blamed myself cause I'm a binge drinker and hadn't gone out 3 months prior to the rape. I told my mom I cheated on my husband and she didn't even ask me more about it. She just said I shouldn't drink. Since then, I don't go out. I have to be in a safe place with very few people when I do. I told my therapist it was cheating. I couldn't even admit to myself it wasn't my fucking fault until very recently. "

29/F

"There are days when I still blame myself for my abuse (while I know better in my mind, it still backtracks). But I'm not the one who saw an isolated, drugged out, sad girl and took advantage. I'm not the person who fed me copious amounts of alcohol at a gay club in downtown Houston. I'm not the one who gave this drunk girl ecstasy on top of liquor.

But I am the girl who got manipulated & assaulted. I am the girl who was scared and frightened of a 6'4", 300lb man who pushed me around violently to get what he wanted. I am the girl who laid there in silent & fearful as this monster tried to have his way with me. I am the girl who had huge black bruises all over my body hours later. I am the girl who couldn't stop crying about the encounter. I am the girl who would literally hide in her closet because she couldn't face the world. I am the girl who pushed away the entire incident and buried it. I'm the girl who had a breakdown a year later when I realized just what had happened to me.

My assaulter was enrolled in the police academy. He is "like a son" to my boss. He regularly comes into my place of work and acts like nothing is wrong. I didn't believe that anyone would believe me. Given his status and where I was at that time in my life (methed out & strung out), I didn't believe that anyone would even consider the truth. My voice has been silenced, but the pain will always remain."

20/F

I cannot even bring myself to remember the first time I was sexually abused nor, honestly do I want to. I could go on for so long with all of times I have experienced sexual abuse, but then I would be called a liar since there is no way that it possibly could happen to one person multiple times right? wrong. I think the only one that I can really bring myself to even talk about it probably the first time I was raped.

I used to hang out with this rude guy and we would watch shows together. I liked hanging out with him because he always bought me alcohol (I was 17, he was 21) and he liked it, because I thought it was ok to kiss him since he bought me booze. He used to love getting me drunk and trying to get me to have sex with him but every time I would shove him away, tell him no etc. Until once day I was not drinking. I can't even fucking write this. To not be graphic he forced me to have sex with him even though I told him no. Quite a few times. I thought we were friends.I hate myself every fucking day for not telling him to get the fuck away from me. or better yet, not even hanging out with him to begin with. and I can't tell my story because no one would believe me because they thought we were friends and why else? Because I didn't want to have him arrested and ruin his life. Mine will never be the same because I cannot tell anyone but he gets to live like nothing ever happened.

25/F

" When I was a child my father's friend molested meet while he was babysitting me. When I told my father I got in trouble for lying."

"I was at a bar to pee and decided to have a drink. I was drugged, kidnapped, and raped. And when I managed to find a computer to contact my (ex) husband when my attacker left the house, he said it's my fault for going out with my friends and refused to help me."

22/F

"He called me a liar, and had his friends message me harassing statements saying even if the abuse did happen -- I deserved it. People who actually saw him beat me, were still claiming he was a nice boy and I shouldn't run my mouth. I was scared to leave my house alone, because he showed up EVERYWHERE. Our boss refused to even change our schedules so I wouldn't have to be alone with him. Going public about my abuse made my life way worse, and it shouldn't be like that"

23/F

"I'm afraid to speak out about the experiences against me because my attacker to this day makes me feel manipulated and watched. I live in the same town I was attacked in 8 years ago, and word gets around fast, and never the word you want. My attacker manipulated the story, and made me out to be a prostitute in trade for drugs. He threatened my life. He knows where I live. People call me a whore, druggie, give me dirty looks when I walk in fancier places. I feel like my reputation precedes my voice."

22/F

When I was 16 years old I was raped in my sleep multiple times by my 18 year old boyfriend of two years. I never told anyone because he had convinced me it was not rape, that he owned my body because we were together. I know I should have left, I had suffered severe trauma from my mother since I was 10 years old and the fact a man would even want to have sex with me, was a miracle, well thats what he told me.
He also convinced me I wanted it and when I said no it was me "playing" hard to get. I never spoke about it until I was 18. The first person I tried to tell was a friend, he told me that I shouldn't tell anyone. He told me it was my fault for staying in the relationship. He said if it was REALLY rape I would have left and told the cops.
When I told my mom she said I was lying, that sweet boy would never hurt you. She said that I was trying to ruin his life by creating a lie. I told my sister and she never stopped talking to him, even when I begged her to stay away. She said "Well he never hurt me".The only person who believed me was my best friend and I will be forever grateful she helped me through the self doubt, the anger, and the pain of being used and disrespected. He never left my life or my family alone, he worked with my dad and stayed close until one night he sent me a text. He asked how I was and I was so mean and so harsh to him, asking him what he wanted. He ended his life one hour after his last text.

Those were only some of the stories I received from women in the support group. I got all those stories within a day of explaining the project and requesting them. All the women made sure to tell me to keep it anonymous even though I said I would, they still felt they had to be extra sure it won't get back to them because they are afraid.

I am being called a liar by many people because of how many times I was raped. I am not a liar. I have the depression, anxiety, and PTSD to prove it. But the people accusing me won't change their minds.

The thing is, I am not writing my story for those people. I am writing my story for the people above and the thousand upon thousands of other victims too afraid to speak about their abuse. Sometimes for fear that something exactly like what happened to me will happen to them. Well, I want them to see me standing up in the face of this oppression. And I want them to have a voice.

I will be regularly spotlighting anonymous in-depth stories from victims. It will be called "Voices for the Victims"

And I will not be anonymous. I will be the face and voice for victims that are still too afraid to speak on their own and if I want to blog about my rape, I will. And yes, I've been raped many times and, no, that doesn't make it my fault. This is my life and my story to tell. For the people that matter and the people that need to see it.

Also, I am donating 25% of my earnings from this post to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. I will post proof of that in my next "Voices for the Victims" blog.