Ladies and gentleman, (somehow) we survived the 2016 wedding season intact. Whether this was your rookie season or wasn’t your first rodeo, some of us, possibly including you, made it through the year without making any really bad life or relationship choices, and let me tell you, folks... for many of us, that might be a pre-Christmas miracle.
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Having made it through yet another wedding season, I almost see myself as a veteran. While I may be worse at relationships than Jay Cutler at picking up on a blitz, I’m like a pro-bowl veteran when it comes to surviving wedding season.
Now, I don’t want anyone getting confused here... I’m (by no means) against weddings, but I can’t be the only one who feels like we live our lives wedding season to wedding season, once we hit a certain age. Believe me, even if you think you don’t, you’re either at that magical point where your friends are now all having kids, or you’re just a baby bird, and you haven’t hit the magical wedding age yet.
Remember though, skipping your friend’s wedding is a one-way ticket to “we can’t hang out anymore man”-ville, so prepare yourself for every annoying trend from Etsy to Pinterest you’ll see during at least one of the weddings you march into in 2017 (because even if things are the same as 2016, the names will not be).
At The Ceremony
Printed programs are out and replaced by chalkboard directories, so have fun deciding where to sit based completely off a chalkboard... A seating chart is hard enough to figure out without dealing with something resembling the diagram of a dive play.
The bride and/or groom's most outgoing friend performs the ceremony, in place of a traditional route. This is his/her time to shine, so enjoy some inside-joke-filled stories in place of bible scriptures (which I’m fine with, by the way). Just know both sets of parents of the couple are as mad about the exclusion of an actual minister as you are about having to relive any of your stupidity during college, instead of making your way to the chow line.
Get ready to blow bubbles or light a sparkler. Tom Brady Level Pro Tip: Grab two sparklers when you encounter them. 90% of the time, everyone lights them too early, and then by the time the bride and groom actually walk out, the sparklers are burned out or about to be.
That moment always happens during the ceremony when a little boy or girl comes trotting down the aisle, and the attendees giggle and ‘aww’ wondering whether (s)he will just make a beeline for his/her mom or dad. But sit back and watch this moment because it will be the cutest thing you see all day.
Gender-specific groomsmen and bridesmaids... Yeah, that’s not a thing anymore. (That went down the tube faster than Johnny Football’s NFL career.) Bridesmen and groomsmaids? Who cares. It doesn’t matter to me.
At The Reception
No location is off limits, folks. Seriously... People have their receptions everywhere. Life’s no longer all hotels and country clubs anymore. So bust out your nicest pair of cowboy boots because whether you’re at a campground, barn, or beach, you'll need some comfortable footwear.
Someone will ask you to do something you really don’t want to do. No shortage of viral-thirsty wedding dance videos exists on YouTube and Vimeo, but that’s not even the half of it. We’re talking scavenger hunts and singalongs, guys. (The real dark stuff...) I even saw karaoke before, but as long as they have games like corn hole and croquet, just call it even. Plus, if you’re over 21, you know what to do.
Food & Drink
Don’t expect a seated, plated dinner. If you don’t remember checking some fancy dish on the RSVP you sent a month too late then you didn’t. We’re talking taco trucks, buffets, macaroni and cheese bars, sushi bars, grills – anything goes, and I love it. Complain all you want about not knowing where to sit, but are you really going to be butt hurt while eating leftover tacos you grabbed heading out the door while driving home rather than having to stop for food? That’s what I thought.
For those of you who are over 21, the open bar isn’t ever as open as you think. (Okay, well... it sort of is.) During cocktail hour, they will hand you a “signature cocktail” which consists of a really generic twist on an even more generic cocktail. We’re talking a vodka cranberry called a blushing bride or something like that.
Folks, wedding cakes are no longer your grandma’s wedding cakes. Now, you see all kinds of cakes: a bride’s cake, a groom’s cake, muffins, cupcakes, cookies, and about any other desert on the planet. Some couples even give into the “naked” cake craze which San Francisco Gate describes as “filling between the layers but no frosting", which is somehow probably more expensive than getting an actual cake with bride and groom figurines topping it.
Technology
The trends are going to be way more... trendy. Between Pinterest, Instagram, and Etsy, you’re pretty much going to see the same mason jar tea lights at every wedding you go to. One bride’s “personal touch” is another brides, well, “personal touch.” Which brings a valid question... Whose personal touch was it to begin with?
A set of towels just isn’t going to cut it on the registry anymore, guys. Somewhere out there, an all-powerful guru of wedding registries thought, “What if guests could buy dinners and flights for the bride and groom’s honeymoon?” I don’t know who that guy is, but he’s killing me.
Get ready to hear, “What’s the hashtag for this wedding?” (And they probably paid for it because our generation is the worst.)
Cameras. Will. Be. Everywhere. They’ll have a FAA certified drone pilot sending up drones, y’all. We’re talking numerous cameramen because you need stills and video. Another Tom Brady Style Pro Tip: If you’re going to turn up at the wedding, expect some Johnny Manziel-like photos to show up on Facebook. It’s all fun and games until you get the notification a month later when someone tags you in fourteen photos on Facebook, all of which have your mouth open while you danced like a moron to “Shout".
“No phones please.” While that policy would save you from looking like Johnny Football on Facebook, any couple with a “no cell phone” policy is a little too into themselves. What are you supposed to do while the wedding party gets their photos taken between the ceremony and reception? Mingle? What is this, a junior high dance? Do they seriously think anyone follows that rule? (Because nobody does, and I have a game to watch on the Watch ESPN app because the bride had no idea a huge conference game happened that day.) Final Pro Tip: Someone by the bar always gives out sports scores, so if you don’t want to be the one caught on your phone, find that person.