My brother did this weird thing with turtles, in which he would set them high on top of a rock and then hide their water. He wanted to see if the turtles would find the water. Every time he did this, the turtles climbed carefully down the rocks, across the grass and to the water.
He would spend his afternoons watching these turtles; their tiny legs reaching for every step, not stopping until they reached the water. My other brother said that this was cruel, because the turtles were water turtles and they need the water to live in. He said that by taking away their home, it left them vulnerable and that it was un-needed stress.
After so many lectures, he stopped releasing the turtles on the rocks, and he watched them in their tank. He said he only wanted to be sure they had what it takes to live on their own. “In case I’m not there to care for them.”
I always thought that my brother cared a lot for these turtles, and he never had any intention of stressing the poor creatures in the way he was lectured for doing. But it made a difference to him. He knew that the turtles loved their home, and he did not want them to be unhappy.
It all came back to me the night she found a diamond bracelet in the back of the car, and my brother said he just wanted to see if she could find it. Of course, his girlfriend Rita did not see it this way and immediately accused him of cheating on her, and that it must belong to a woman he had relations with in the back of the car.
But I understood what my brother was thinking. That he loved her, and he just wanted to be sure his girlfriend could make it on her own if he wasn’t there to take care of her. It seemed a nice gesture, and I imagined that my brother had probably stashed many tiny trinkets around his home, so that if she found them she would either receive his gift, or could use the item for money.
But what scared me is why he thought he needed to prove she would be fine without him. I wanted to know where he was going. The childhood memory happened around the time of our parent’s divorce. My brother thought he would have to live with our father, and leave the turtle behind. Now I got the feeling he was afraid of leaving his girlfriend behind.
The truth became clear that weekend in Duluth, when my brother jumped to his death.
The news reporters said it was because of the money he laundered, Rita said it was because of the woman he was seeing in the back of that car, but it wasn’t any of that. In the end it was the slow walk from the rocks to the water that took my brother’s life.
After his death I found the suicide note, that most leave behind when they contemplate suicide. He simply wrote,
The journey is too long, and the progress is slow. In my life here, I’ve drifted so far from my home. In time I may reach it, for this I hope. But if I can’t get there with you, then I will live there alone.
It was true that my brother laundered that money. And it was true that bracelet belonged to another woman. But it was also true that he loved Rita, and that he just wanted her to make it on her own without him.
He left her some money, and she had told me, she found many more valuable gifts, some that were sent to her after his death.
Ding!!!
That really took a depressing turn, but it was still fun to write!
Thanks for reading!
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