I can't count how many friends of mine have recommended that I read Save the Cat.  I'd read Syd Field, Robert McKee's Story (which I still think is the most insightful book on story telling I've ever read) and a few other books on screenwriting, and to be honest, I was burned out on reading about writing and have been focusing on just that.  I've been writing consistently, maniacally even, and after hemming and hawing about it when another friend recommended it, I caved and gave it a go.

I'm so glad I did.

From the first page, I knew I was going to learn something.  For one thing, I have always struggled with creating that perfect logline to fit my story.  It's always been difficult to distill my writing down to something under 50 words.  Perhaps I've been doing it backwards all this time.  Perhaps I should start with my logline and then the script.

What STC is reminding me is that that great storytelling probably arises by doing the simplest things all of us stubborn writer/directors tend to hate to do... staying simple, basic and following the rules.

That said, I've been going through the exercises contained in the Save the Cat book about loglines and I present the first to you.  I'm not going to lay out the entirety of his lesson in why the improved loglines might be considered "better".  That's why you should buy the book.

What do you think?  Are my versions better or worse?

LOGLINE EXERCISE #1 - Pick up the newspaper and pitch this weeks movie choices to a friend.  Can you think of ways to improve the movie's logline or poster?

Below are my attempts to improve the loglines/synopses not from my local cinema's website, but a smattering of random movies because I wanted more variety and not something everyone was talking about:

CHRONICLE:

ORIGINAL: Three high school students make an incredible discovery, leading to their developing uncanny powers beyond their understanding. Even as they learn to control their abilities and use them to their advantage, their lives start to spin out of control because their darker sides begin to take over.

IMPROVED: Three high school students make an incredible discovery, leading to super powers and friendship, but are pitted against each other when one starts to punish those who have abused him.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND:

ORIGINAL:  Sean Anderson receives a coded distress signal from a mysterious island where no island should exist. It's a place of strange life forms and more than one astonishing secret. Unable to stop him from going, Sean's new stepfather, Hank, joins the quest. Together with a helicopter pilot and his beautiful, strong-willed daughter, they set out to find the island, rescue its lone inhabitant and escape before seismic shockwaves force the island under the sea and bury its treasures forever.

IMPROVED:  Hoping to save their financially strapped school, a family of archeologists set out to find the mythical Atlantis, but must fight to escape when it turns out to be overflowing with strange and vicious creatures.

THE GREY:

ORIGINAL:  In The Grey, Liam Neeson leads an unruly group of oil-rig roughnecks when their plane crashes into the remote Alaskan wilderness. Battling mortal injuries and merciless weather, the survivors have only a few days to escape the icy elements and a vicious pack of rogue wolves on the hunt before their time runs out.

IMPROVED:  Headed home for the holidays, a group of commuters are instead pushed to the edges of human endurance when their plane crashes in the icy Alaskan wilderness and are hunted by a pack of ferocious wolves.

TINKER TAYLOR SOLDIER SPY:

ORIGINAL: The time is 1973. Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), code-named the Circus, is striving to keep pace with other countries’ espionage efforts. There is a gnawing fear that the Circus has long been compromised by a double agent, or mole, working for the Soviets. George Smiley (Gary Oldman), a career spy with razor-sharp senses, tries to track the mole. Even before the startling truth is revealed, the emotional and physical tolls on the players enmeshed in the deadly international spy game will escalate.

IMPROVED: 1973… a disgraced, British secret agent is given a chance at redemption by exposing a merciless Soviet Spy, but must also survive the mind wrenching paranoia and butchery that will eventually destroy them all.

THIS MEANS WAR:

ORIGINAL:  The world's deadliest CIA operatives are inseparable partners and best friends until they fall for the same woman. Having once helped bring down entire enemy nations, they are now employing their incomparable skills and an endless array of high-tech gadgetry against their greatest nemesis ever - each other.

IMPROVED:  America’s two, deadliest CIA operatives are inseparable friends, until they fall for the same woman.  In an epic game of one-upmanship, each unleashes the full force of their skills and government power to keep the other from girl of his dreams.

Thanks for reading.  I'm looking forward to your thoughts,

Phil

IMAGE CREDITS:

• tmgca.com
• The Nerdocalypse
• HeyUGuys
• The Geek HQ
• Fanpop
• MBC