After a few days trying to figure out how this thing works, I keep coming back to the same thing. You have to be interested in other people, in order to become interesting to them. Now, this is coming from a self-proclaimed “socially akward extrovert”. A lot of people get along fairly well as socially akward introverts. If you are quiet, nobody knows that it’s because you don’t know how to relate. I never had that advantage. I’ll be 35 this month, and I feel like I’ve ruined thousands of potential lifelong friendships. All because I wasn’t born with social grace.
For the past few months I’ve been studying how to do better in social situations. I have to learn a new way to relate to the world, that doesn’t leave people running for their lives. That’s why I came here. To write about things that I’m working to do better in my own life. Writing helps me to go over what I’ve heard or read, and really process it. I hope that you all benefit from my painful life as a social reject, and my attempt to be a better person.
This entry is going to be about Active Listening. In an overstimulated world, where news flashes by on the ticker while we are watching the news while reading a magazine, there are a million things vying for our attention. Engaged listening is becoming a lost art. The more interested we are in other people, the more they will like us, and want to help us. This isn’t a method of manipulation, where you act interested to get what you want. You need to be interested in other people, and really care about them. When we truly care about people, we want to help them better themselves and succeed at what they are interested in. This is called co-operative living. Remember the old way of competing for success? You see where that has gotten us?
“The less you talk about yourself, and the more you put the spotlight on the other person, the more they will actually like you in return.” - Arel Moodie
In order to become well liked, you need to pay attention to other people. You probably know someone who is really good at sales, or generally successful, because they show others how they care. Even though my social skills suck, my mom is great at this. She remembers the birthdays of all of my friends and details about their lives, offers them food and beverage when they visit. The works! Now, I’m not saying you need to take it that far, especially if this sort of thing isn’t natural to you. A little attention goes a long way.
(photo credit: Nathan Wolfe)
You may have heard this old saying, before:
“You have two ears, and one mouth. Use them in proportion.”
Listen - The first thing is to really listen when someone is speaking. Not waiting for your turn to speak, not interrupting because you thought of something cool to add. Just listen. This might not be easy at first if you aren’t used to it. However, this is one of the most valuable things you can offer to someone, which costs you no sbd.
Affirm - While you are listening, nod and add some affirmations such as “uh huh,” “oh?”, “right!,” “excellent!”. Something quick enough so that they can continue speaking, but also signal that you are listening. You don’t need to be charismatic, you just need to listen and pay real attention to other people. Trying to say something interesting can fall short. Listening takes way less energy than than thinking of the right thing to say.
Summarize - This is where you make a statement based upon what the speaker has said. This is important. If you skip to the next step “follow up question,” you can come across as an interrogator. This follow up statement, repeats back some of the information you received so that you are sure that you understood correctly. You’ll know pretty quickly if you didn’t. This type of feedback ensures that you and the other person are on the same page. This is not the time for you to give advice. That is a classic blunder that people (especially guys) fall into. If someone wants advice, they will most likely ask you for it.
Ask - Now we move to the follow up question. You are going to choose a question based off of what has already been said, to deepen your understanding of the speaker. Avoid “yes or no” questions, or other questions that can be answered with a simple statement. Instead of “so, you really like fishing?” try, “what got you into fishing?” or “what is it about fishing that you enjoy so much?”
A good opening question is, “do you have any exciting new projects coming up?” or “what are you really passionate about?” This attention is rewarding you with valuable information that you can use to find ways you can help others. Perhaps a web resource, or a thoughtful suggestion. Helping others is what life is all about, according to the new "co-operative living" dynamic.
All of this lets people know you aren't a self absorbed prick, and that you actually care about them, not just their upvote. And if you really don’t care about other people, you may want to re-consider. No person is an island. All of us depend on each-other. Here, there, and everywhere.
”Great listeners are irresistable because they sense what we want to hear. Soothing noises are a part of their art. At it’s heart lies techniques to seduce purses, votes, and minds.” - Catherine Blyth, “The Art of Conversation”
So… now you know the basics of active listening. There are a few chat groups that you can check out to help you get to know people here and learn the ropes (if you don’t already).
These are great places to practice your active listening skills for two reasons. One, is that it might be easier to get the hang of this active listening stuff online before feeling natural applying it to the real world. Two, this is also a good way to build relationships on steemit, and make the connections which are the real value of this platform. Also, try spending more time in the comments section responding to friends posts, or on posts you find interesting.
My two main resources on this are:
- The Art of Likability Podcast - Arel Moody. Episodes 2 and 3.
- Julian Treasure has a great Ted Talk on listening
Thanks For Stopping by! and as always, I'd love to hear some feedback here or on Discord.