We have all been there, one morning you wake up and the world doesn't feel the same as when you went to sleep the night before. Your desires to do anything and keep going on with your life and activities are all but gone, the sun doesn't bright as shiny, your appetite is gone, you feel like giving up everything you have been doing, you start to try and find excuses to just quit, abandon, its not worth it, life is not worth it, why am i throwing all this effort into insignificant things that will be meaningless after i die? Does it matter if I find success? does it matter if I fail? why do i keep going when its easier to give up? Why do i keep struggling if I am going to die anyways?
Some people experience it once a year, some people experience it every few months and there's some people that have to live with it everyday of their life, we often call that depression, a few years ago i was in that place, i wanted to quit, i didn't want to go to study, work, eat, i just wanted to end it and be done with it, the reasons? I don't really know, i felt lost, i felt dread and emptiness, when i was a kid i couldn't picture myself as an adult, i thought i would die before reaching 20 but here I am, still going.....
I was in such a dark place by 2014 that on December 4th i decided it was time to call it quits, i was going to kill myself, i had arranged the place, the time and i just had to do it. I wrote a letter to my mom, i wrote an email to my dad and left the house in the early morning and wandered the city for hours until i decided i was ready to go, i went to the 9th floor of a building and stared down to the street, i took a deep breath and before jumping i decided to look around, to watch the people walk, to see the cars drive around one last time, i spent a good 30 minutes just watching everything, people come and go, cars driving, birds flying, the noise of the city.
After spending a good while watching people, a thought came into my head, how do these people do it? How do they live their lives without having these worries, why do they make it look so easy when it is so hard for me? by the time i was done with that train of thought, for some reason i had changed my mind, something changed in my in that time i spent on that balcony getting ready to die, watching people live their lives for one last time.
A thought came into my head at that time, maybe i don't have to worry about anything anymore and today it may seem obvious to me, but at the time, for some reason i was so stuck, i was so entrenched in my view that everything was bad, that i was a piece of shit, that life was not worth while living. I couldn't really see the simplicity behind of it.
That day my view on life changed completely, i gave my living my life another shot, with a fresh mindset, i was going to live my life for myself, i would do what i desired to do not what my family or others "imposed" or "expected" of me, but now that i see to those days with more maturity, it was always myself, it was me restraining myself, i had some sort of distorted sense of life, that i had to do these things this way or else i was a complete failure and a piece of shit.
Now, 4 years later reflecting on that day, i can see how my life has improved in a positive way, is it all perfect? hell no, but at least I am at peace with me and can focus more on what i want to do with my life, from time to time i still get the dark thoughts but now i'm a stronger person and can differentiate passing thoughts to real feelings, now I can survive the dark thoughts of my mind and for once I can say that I am happy that i did not kill myself that 4th of December.
Thanks for reading this far down, i wrote this because i felt like sharing my story with the people here on steem and if you guys are going trough the same thing or have gone trough the same thing and want someone to talk to, i'll be here for you guys, its hard, i've been there but together we can get trough life!