Take a Journey with me...
Good day my fellow Steemians and Friends. Some of you know my story and if you don't, in order for you to take this journey with me, you must start here. Now that we've gotten that out of the way. Yesterday, May 14, 2018, I faced the monster who I used to call Dad. I was dreading that day. For months. He's been locked away for 27 years, appealing the case every chance he got. I knew this day would come. I did not know that I could never be prepared for this. I did not know that it would have this effect on me.
A better understanding...
The past forty years have been difficult. Not all of the time. There have been amazing moments. I am so grateful for those. That's what has kept me going. Those brief moments in time that sweep you off your feet into the clouds and for a short time, you are happy. Truly happy. I cherish those moments and I've lived my life waiting for those moments. Outside of those moments...suffering. Silently. I've never been a person to seek help. I have always felt that my problem was my 'cross to bare'. I never wanted to involve the people close to me. I didn't want to burden them. So I dealt with my problems the only way I knew how...alone and in silence. Trapped in my own thoughts and memories and demons. A chaotic barrage of darkness. Outside, a smile as big as the sun...but inside, chaos. I learned to master putting on the mask that saved me from having to explain what I was really feeling. As time went on, I began to embrace the darkness while keeping the smile, so much so that it was comforting to me. It was and still is a part of me. There have been moments when I have been unable to hide. When I have had too much, and something else gets piled on, I have a physical reaction. I shake uncontrollably. My nerves take over and the mask goes in the trash. I don't like that my body takes control. I fight it. It just gets worse. After receiving the news, every single day I got up, put the mask on, and went about my day as usual. The closer the day got the harder it was to put the mask on.
May 14, 2018
After a very quiet ninety-one mile drive to Baton Rouge, my husband and I arrived at our destination. My nerves started getting really bad the night before. Sleep was broken. The fear of the unknown got the best of me. We were standing in front of the doors, my anxiety levels were scary. I was physically shaking. On the verge of tears. We walk through the doors, empty our pockets and get checked with a metal detector. We are then escorted to a room with a few other people and wait our turn. One of the women in the room with us was from Georgia, and she had an accent and a flow to her words that I could have listened to all day. She was a bit of a distraction from the reality of why I was there. One of the members of the Pardon Board came in and dismissed them. My husband and I and a representative of the Crime Victims Service Board were left. They called us in. I took a deep breath, and with my papers in hand, I walked into the conference room. To my left was the Pardon Board made up of four members, all male. Across the room was the Attorney that was there to represent me. To my right was a TV screen on the wall and a camera pointed at the Pardon Board. There were a few officers there, the bailiff, a couple of professional looking people, could have been lawyers. As I crossed the room, all eyes were on me, I felt it. I didn't look at anyone, just went to my seat. Sitting down, the Board was to my right and the TV screen to my left. I looked up at the TV and on the screen there sat my father next to his attorney. Behind him sat my Aunt and Uncle who I have not seen it 27 years. Aside from my father being white haired and a little heavier, he looked just like the monster I remembered. The emotion that came rushing in is indescribable.
I'm not going to go into every detail. I will tell you that I believe the Board had their minds made up before I stood to speak. My father, for the first time ever, confessed. The past 27 years have been a struggle. It's a strange thing, to have to come forward with a secret like this and then to find out how people judge, family abandons and as time goes on, memories fade. My father denied, shifted the blame to me and never showed remorse. The older I got, I started to doubt myself. I mean, I knew what had happened, but maybe I didn't remember things correctly or maybe something got mixed up in my head. I couldn't for the life of me understand why, if we are the only two people on this planet that knew the truth, why couldn't he admit that to me. It made me doubt myself. When I heard that monster confess to his crimes, when he said the words, "everything my daughter said was true" ... well, let's just say that after 27 years, it's... I don't know. Sitting here trying to explain, the word isn't coming to me. It was a weight lifted and that's putting it mildly. I am pretty sure that the only reason he confessed was to show the Board that he had accepted responsibility for what he had done. But it seemed as though dear old dad lost his edge. One of the Board members asked him that if he accepted responsibility for his crimes, then why are we sitting here? Which was actually a good point. Just in November, when he applied for clemency, his story on the application was the same as it was in court all those years ago. And in just a few short months, now you want to own up to it. They tore into him. Each one of the Board members looked me in the eye when I stood up to speak, I connected with each one of them. They saw the pain and the anguish and the uncontrollable shaking, they heard it in my voice. There I was standing in front of them, with my heart on my sleeve for all to see, it was scary for me, it was not easy. After speaking, I sat back down and waited for them vote. It was unanimous, he was denied. As each of the Board members denied his request, they all had a little piece of advice for me that my father could hear. They reminded me of the piece of shit he is and told me that it wasn't my fault and one even told me that I should hold my head up high. My job was done. I walked out of that conference room with my head held high, and then got back to the room we were in before and broke down. It's over. It's finally over.
Victory...
Finally having the courage and the will to want to close this chapter is an amazing feeling. This is a life changing victory for me because I have lived with this black cloud hovering over for so long. It has hovered over my family and has driven me to insanity from time to time. I will always love the darkness, it's what I've known, it's has been the one constant thing all of my life and maybe you understand that, it's difficult to explain the demons that reside within, and how I think I would feel lost without them. I will learn though. The sun is shining now, and have put them to sleep. From this day forward, my father is dead to me. He's has taken the last thing that he will ever take from me. May you rot in the prison cell that you find yourself in, DAD. Even though that is too good for you, I know that you will think about me for the rest of your life, but I will not waste another thought or tear or word on you. The End
Leaving it all behind...
"Leaving it all behind..." I cried... you can't see a whole lot but my, it speaks volumes.
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