My five year old refused to stop making noise this morning. The kind of nonsensical noise that can drive a mother to consider that applications of duct tape. Especially a work-from-home mother trying to work from home. My husband agreed I should head out, so out I am.
Bloomington is a small town when the students leave. This means I know someone everywhere I go. Today it is a woman who works with my husband, but no worries, she's not chatty. She's out of the house on her own break from domesticity. I am seated on a too comfy couch in a grocery store cafe listening to the hum of conversation around me.
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I'm glad I stopped here, because I just experienced a pay it forward moment.When I ordered my coffee, a gentleman sitting at the table fo four to my left had paid ahead. And not just for me. He'd left more than $20 to pay for the next few customers out of the goodness of his heart.
I love it. What a wonderful surprise. And of course I stopped over to say thank you, but first I took note of the man's attire. His bold American flag coat gave me the same twist of feelings I always experience around U.S. military veterans. I am anti-war, but I am pro-healing. I teach Writing after War for U.S. veterans at a local community college in order to help those who show up in my classes sift through the complications of their personal experiences with war.
I won't lie to you: it is hard for me. I am a first generation Lebanese-American whose father stayed in the states because home was at war and there was no safe return. He also stayed for the love of my mother, but he actually had love waiting back in Lebanon, and she waited three years after he married to be sure he wasn't coming home.
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A room of U.S. veterans and me, an Arab-American, young woman. It's understandably touchy given the media "war on terror" which pigeonholes us brownish people as Muslim extremists. Add to this I was raised Muslim and the complications grow. I do not mention my heritage until trust has been established in my classroom. I don't try to pass as not-Arab. In fact, I wear my maiden name right out front in case anyone has an explicit problem with humans born like me. Shawna Ayoub Ainslie. That's me.
But I still don't mention being Arab until we've established the parameters of war experience and prejudices based in training have a chance to show. At that point, my heritage is both a challenge and a white flag. I have had students physically move away from me, shocked because I fall under what they've had to accept as "enemy," yet there I am holding space for their painful memories and working to support their acceptance and release without judgement.
This may actually be the hardest work I do. And when I said thank you to the man who bought my coffee, I handed him a note letting him know about the work I do for folks like him. He gave me a card for his church. I took it gratefully even though I do not believe in organized religion. Even though Christianity was the spine of anti-Arab, anti-Muslim violence I faced throughout my life. Because it really isn't about religion, it's about how people use it. And it really isn't about having fought in a war, it's about the ideas we hold as true after doing so.
I am here at this cafe to get work done that has nothing to do with Steemit, but I admit I am feeling both elated and afraid right now. What if these men who wear their flags on the outside show up to my class? What if it turns out they are only kind like others have been--if there is a chance they can save me, not only from the faith I was born to, but from my "race"?
Still, I hope they do show up. It could be we will save each other.
Thank you for listening. I needed to write through this. These words are work of another kind. I am determined to be unafraid. I've spent enough of my life hurting and fearful. Now is the time of healing. I'm grateful the paths that have crossed mine today gave me an opportunity to share Writing after War as an option. I look forward to working with anyone who steps into my classroom. But right now I must get down to business of another kind.