I woke up this morning certain that aliens had invaded my brain. My head felt swollen and sore, a sure sign I'd slept incorrectly. I suffer from degenerative disc syndrome, which means my neck is constantly crooked and fatigued. Place on top of that a bad concussion I recieved two years ago when I fell flat on my back when I slipped on black ice.
I can't remember all of my dream last night, but I think that I dreamt of my grandmother. She was born in Harrington Harbour, Quebec, a remote fishing village in Canada, and came to the United States when she was 19. She lived to the age of 94, as did her mother before her. Except that unlike her mother, Nana had Alzheimers for the last twenty some odd years of her life.
My mom took care of her that whole time, in our home. I remember her sitting in the living room when I was younger, asking me who I was, or yelling at me furiously for some supposed infraction, like stealing her spoon. She would often babble incoherently in made up languages. Eventually she stopped talking. Instead she stared blankly into space, rarely present in the moment - as if she was wide awake but dreaming.
Alzheimers is a degenerative brain disorder. It affects one's memory, but also affects emotional balance, concepts of time and planning ability. Opinions vary on how much genetics has to do with the risk of developing it. Head and spinal injuries are a big factor.
I guess I'm hyper aware of the possibility ever since my concussion. Like any rational human being, I fear losing my mind, of being unable to care for myself ten or twenty years into the future. Whether that fear clouds my emotions, or the instability of my emotions clouds my perceptions, I'm not sure.
The fear is very real however, and I struggle to control it at times, like this morning when I awoke. I know that it's probably not grounded in reality, and if I had any money or common sense, I'd go to a local clinic to get myself diagnosed. It's a strong possibility I will. I often think I'm grasping at reasons to explain why my attention span is so vapid lately, why I struggle to create a simple post, why my emotions are always so raw. It could be as simple as lack of exercise, or battling depression.
I read through a couple of early onset Alzheimers sites this morning to see which signs I might have. Then I realized that I was probably not the best judge of me. I feel so out of balance lately. Everytime I glance at my steemit wallet, it seems to have increased another $20 - it's like a strange dream that I'm going to wake up from, and be depressed as I emerge into the reality of needing to find "a real job".
I seem to alienate people at the drop of a hat with my anger, and they are shellshocked, because I know they take my goodwill for granted. People tend to tell me things like "just network more, put out more content", never realizing how much I struggle to do what they take for granted. I no longer know what is my dream self and what is reality.
The one thing I read that stands out is to stop worrying. Eat right and get exercise. The other is to challenge your brain. This I don't worry about. I'm challenged here every day on Steem, to learn facts, to get along with people without having a meltdown. I feel like I fail there a lot. I love it here, it's my home, but I fear being left behind because I can't keep up.
I know I need to deal with this deluge of fear and anxiety that seems to have attacked me in the last few weeks. I'm not sure I know how, but the one thing I do know is that I need to face it, and be open about it, even though I cringe at exposing myself so openly. To those of you that know me, and care about me, please be patient. I'm struggling.
Going out for a walk.
above photos by torico
