I know what I have to do.
...Only I won’t do it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Fear and Loathing. Not the movie, nor even the book by Hunter S Thompson - though these did inspire the title of this post.
I’m talking about Resistance - my own reluctance to do the things I know I need to do to get the results I want. Even things I like to do, like writing, are met with a resounding “meh” as I decide to get another coffee, or beer. Maybe watch another stream on YouTube, or check the Steemit feed again.
Resistance.
I’ve been working at this self-leadership thing for long enough to know that resisting the things I want usually comes from Fear. For some reason, my subconscious finished the phrase:
Fear and Loathing
I never quite understood that title. I thought Loathing meant Hate, a very strong sentiment that I reserve strictly for terrorists and child abusers, and maybe the sound of forks scraping on plates. But as I considered this, another phrase swam to the surface:
I know what I must do, but I am loath to do it.
This is not a direct quote that I know of, rather my memory’s interpretation of various books and movies. Looking it up, I did learn that spelling matters: loathe with an e means to feel hate or disgust. Loath is an adjective, one which perfectly describes how I feel, faced with the choice to resist and stall or just do what I need to do already:
I feel Loathing, and beneath that, Fear.
Loathing means reluctance, and the reason for my inquiry (and my sharing this with you) is this:
I know better than to trust my own mind.
Emotions aren’t facts, they are indicators. Just what they indicate is something for your conscious brain to interpret. If you let your mind run on auto-pilot, that first flush of loathing is followed closely by rational, but unconscious, thoughts:
...I don’t want to do that now.
...There’s no time.
...I’m too tired/overwhelmed, I deserve a break.
You don’t have to listen to them! Let them say their piece, then find the truth:
...I don’t feel ready now, but I won’t feel ready later, either.
...I might not finish, but I can start.
...Tired and overwhelmed can only be helped by getting something done, and getting a good night’s sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I’ve said my piece. I’ve named my demon (Loathing) and survived today’s battle, so now I can rest easy.