Alright, well I'm not feeling particularly creative today so it looks like I'm going to break down and give you some actual advice without making you sit and wonder what the fuck I'm talking about. Enjoy.

Thou shalt format thy posts

Space your paragraphs appropriately
Break up boring text with links, bold and italicized modifiers
Use headers roughly every 6-7 paragraphs (or one page length)
Use an image or video at the top of the post
Create a "signature" that links to your other posts
Add something unique (eg: Seacrest Out)

Space your paragraphs appropriately

Nobody wants to read a fucking wall of text. Seriously, if I click on an article and see a giant rectangle of text, I immediately know three things: 1) the writer gave no thought to the reader's reading experience, 2) the writer is lazy, and 3) the content is terrible. I skip the post.

Why is the content terrible? Because if it was any good, if the writer had literally any experience writing for an audience, they would know to break up their fucking post into more readable paragaphs.

Break up text with etc etc

This is somewhat related to the last point. Writing an article isn't just about putting words together. Not on the internet, at least. Sure if you're reading a book then you're not really expected to rape the page with different color fonts and memes. But this is the internet baby. We have short attention spans on here.

Don't know what to link to in your article? You have a few options: 1) you can link to your other articles, 2) you can link to other websites, or 3) you can link to random nonsense just to be funny.

If you don't have enough articles of your own to link to or can't find relevant words to add a hyperlink to, you can just highlight any random phrase and plug it into Google. Take the top result and add that as a link. For example, two paragraphs ago I googled the phrase, "short attention spans," and chose the first link. Didn't even read it - just picked it to break up the text. Nobody actually reads the articles that your links point to, but by inserting them in the post it makes you look smart.

Use headers

This serves several purposes:

Prepares the reader for what they're going to read
Confuses them so they continue to the next section to figure out what the fuck you're talking about
Visually breaks up the document so their eyes don't get raped by a wall of text

In a common listicle (like this article, sadly), headers are commonly used overtly to tell the reader what they're going to read. I think this is stupid and should be avoided if possible to encourage creativity. For example, instead of writing "Use headers" I could have written "Nobody wants to read your fucking wall of text" or something to that effect. It's more engaging, funnier, etc. Look at some of my previous posts for examples.

It can also confuse the reader, which is a good thing. Rather, you don't want them to be confused, but you want them to not immediately understand where you're going with a specific line of thinking.

For example, if I started this article with some random nonsense about something that had literally nothing to do with this article, you are more likely to continue reading than if I start with some general garbage about, "We all want to know how to write better articles, so today I'm going to give 5 tips that expert writers use..." blah blah blah kill yourself.

Once again, it breaks up the document to avoid wall-of-text face rape. See this coming up over and over? Maybe it's important.

Use an image/video at the top of the post

This is an old copywriting trick to get the user to actually start reading your shit post. I'd be surprised if someone out there doesn't know this already, but it's important enough to bear mentioning explicitly.

Also, when you use an image at the beginning of the post, you are able to effectively prep the reader for what they're going to read. This effect is also seen in headings, but the image at the top of the post is arguably more effective because it sets the tone for the entire post.

I am partial to spicy maymays as they are very good at capturing a sentiment in a single image. You can just plug in whatever search term you want to google, filter by images and add "meme" after the term.

Regarding multiple images per post: I used to do this but found that people would stop reading my articles halfway through. I'd put an image before every new header. I don't recommend it, but you're welcome to experiment. Maybe it will work for you.

Choose wisely.

Create a signature that links to your other posts

You'll notice at the end of my posts I have a massive list of links that lead to other posts I've written. It should be obvious why this is a good idea, but I'll tell you why anyway because I'm on a roll.

For one thing, it shows people that you have actually completed a lot of work in the past. Oftentimes people won't check your work at all, they'll just check to see that you've actually done something. Like it or not, people make snap judgements based on appearances and rarely do any research to check whether or not the apparent "facts" back up their emotions. Use this to your advantage in other ways as well, not just with your signature.

Additionally, if you are actually a decent writer or hot girl and the reader wants to see more of you, then you're giving them easy access to more of your amazingly written content or pictures of your cat. That means more views, more upvotes, more comments. The good stuff.

You can also link to your social media pages in there as well. I'm a fan of using a screenshot recent Instagram posts that show off how many likes/comments the posts have. It's a stupid metric to base things off of (like the reward totals on Steemit), but like I said, people will make snap judgements without thinking and generally respond well to high metrics.

Add something unique (eg: "Seacrest Out")

I am a huge huge huge huge huge fan of deep fried memes. These are essentially memes that make no sense and don't have a point. They've also been layered with so many filters that they're barely legible.

There is a huge subreddit where I steal most of the images. Lucky for me, a common theme among these memes is "smash that mf like button right now." I've modified it to "smash that mf upvote button" but they're similar enough so it works.

This is good because normies (you, probably) have never seen a deep fried meme before. You're like wtf is this shit, does this guy actually make these retarded images to post on his blog? No. I just steal them from Reddit.

The past few posts I also started asking for resteems. At the bottom of my posts will be something that says, "Hey [expletive], did you like this post? Then resteem that shit before I [do something to you]."

You don't have to use profanity, but generally it's a good idea to ask people to resteem, upvote or follow you. I recommend you do it in a clever way so that they mind less that you're obviously promoting yourself and want them to help you.

How to trick people to actually reading your shitty post.

Write a clickbait title
The first line of your article also needs to be clickbait
Use simple language
"Bleed on the first page"
Admit that you're evil

Write a clickbait title

Nobody likes clickbait but it's necessary to get people to click on your content. Sorry that's just the way it is. What's more enticing?

"Eight ways to please your man in bed."

"Eight sex tricks to get your man to cum so hard he gives you his credit card to go buck wild next time you want to go shopping."

Obviously the second one. Why? It's more descriptive, it's surprising, it's a bit edgy. Yes, it's trash. Garbage designed to manipulate people into reading your content over someone else's. But that's life. It's a zero sum game baby. People can only read one article at a time, and he who has the best clickbait title gets the most eyeballs on their article and ultimately on whatever they're trying to sell.

So, how to do it? There are plenty of tutorials out there that can teach you way better than I can. You're welcome to google them.

That said, the way I do it is to startle the user by linking together two things that aren't really connected. "Why Steemit is a giant circle-jerk and how to make it work in your favor," is a perfect example. Circle-jerk? Work in your favor? Interesting, let me read more.

Other examples:

"How to take over the Trending page by being a bloodthirsty savage." -What do those two things have to do with each other? Literally nothing. But that's why the title is so catchy.

"Mmmm yeah baby, put it in my reward pool." The fuck? What does that even mean? People will click because they are confused and want to alleviate the confusion.

"How to stop being such a loser." Shock and awe. Calling someone a loser is rare, rude and socially unacceptable. People call this kind of thing "edgy." Be careful with this. If you have the chops to back it up then feel free, otherwise you'll be tagged as just another edgelord.

I think you get the idea.

Finally, I recommend capitalizing every word of your post title. Yes, even words like "or, the, a, an" etc should be capitalized for continuity's sake. This is my personal preference based on absolutely no research, but rather what I consider visually appealing regardless of the subject matter.

You're welcome to choose your own preference.

The first line of the article also needs to be clickbait

When you're scrolling your feed looking for something to read, you see three things:

The title of the post
The image of the post
The first line of the body of the article

The first two I've already covered, but it's the third one that people often neglect. I used to do this as well before realizing that it was hurting my numbers.

The problem with Steemit is that there's no way to add a caption to the first image of the post without it looking like it's the first line of the actual body. So when people scroll the page they see what looks like improper grammar/spelling which fucks with their head on an unconscious level.

It makes them think the post is shit because you're actually an idiot who doesn't know how to write - but in reality you're an idiot who doesn't know how to write AND you made the mistake of using a header or captioning an image before the body of the post.

Make sure that the first line of your article is something that grabs the reader. This has been easy for me for most of my posts because they've been rants with ample profanity. However I'd caution against doing this because 1) you don't want to get pigeonholed into becoming a caricature (like yours truly), and 2) using profanity for artistic effect takes time to learn and you probably shouldn't practice in such a high-value piece of post real estate.

Use simple language

I don't remember where I read it, but I heard somewhere that the ideal grade-level to write at is something like 3rd grade. Basically you want to write for idiots.

That's not fair to say, because even smart people prefer to read things that are written in words that are commonly used when they read for leisure. It would be more accurate to say that you want to write for everyone, even idiots. Or non-English speakers, for that matter.

Think about it: how do you feel about the author when you read flowery, unnecessarily complicated language? I don't know about you but it makes me angry. Not because I don't understand, but because I know that whoever I'm reading is writing that way because he/she (mostly he) wants to show off how smart they are. You can be smart and express yourself with simple language, just like you can be funny/edgy and express yourself without profanity.

Using simple language makes it easier for the reader to relate to what you're saying. And even if you're talking about crazy shit that they will never experience, you still want them to be able to relate to you.

"Bleed on the first page"

I stole this from James Altucher, fellow Jew and bullshit-artist extraordinaire. I've been reading his blog since before it was cool. Can't say I'm a fan of anything he's written in literally the past 4 years, but some of his earlier work is extremely entertaining. Very raw.

Anyway, bleeding on the first page (some say the first line) just means that you need to show vulnerability in your writing. True vulnerability, not that fake shit like, "oh I'm such a perfectionist, I always get straight A's." No. I'm talking real shit.

Tell us how you acted like a cucked simp when your girlfriend dumped you, how you showed up at her house at 3 AM after sending her 68 text messages and how you made her whole family sit in the living room with you to talk about your relationship. That's the shit that we want to read.

Not because we're sick, twisted losers with no life. But because we want to get to know the real you. And I promise you that when you show a little bit of your soft underbelly you'll get an excellent response from people. They'll feel closer to you because they'll believe that you truly opened up to them on a personal level.

We all know this isn't true on an intellectual level but it still works. Use it to your advantage.

That said, I recommend to not overuse this. Altucher has gotten so predictable over the years that I know exactly how all of his posts will start. Something like:

"I was crying on the floor. I hadn't slept in a week. I was broke, my wife left me and all I had in my fridge was some food I stole from a homeless person."

Interesting right? Yeah, the first time you read it. It gets old around the 50th. I forgive my brother James though, he's got a lot going on. Plus the guy makes fucking bank and is a bestselling author so who am I to say that his newsletter has been shit for a few years?

Admit that you're evil

This is sort of related to the last one, but I am a firm believer in the fact that there is actually no such thing as good and evil. I'm a huge fan of Nietzsche. I'm sure there's some philosophy nerd out there who's going to tell me why I'm wrong, but the way I understand his work is that we are all human and capable of the entire range of human behavior and emotions. There is no good, there is no evil. There is only humanity.

Like I said before, cut it out with your virtue-signaling crap. You're not fooling anyone. Oh wow you gave a homeless person $1, the fuck you want a gold medal or something? Wow you volunteered with kids in Africa for three weeks, congratulations. Oh you have a two kids and want to give them a good life. And? So the fuck what?

Water is wet and the sky is blue. Puppies are cute. Food is yummy. Fucking boring ass shit.

Where's the dark side? Where's the good shit? Where's the jealousy, the schadenfreude, the hatred of the success of your peers over yourself? Where are those moments where you question your life choices and wonder if you shouldn't have stayed single instead of marrying your loser husband or fat wife?

Okay, so you don't have to go THAT dark. But come on people, let's see a little something other than the positivity that pervades not only this platform but the rest of the world in general. Steemit is a giant circle-jerk-a-thon anyway. Where's the darkness?

And by the way, darkness isn't, "my mom died of cancer and it made me sad boo hoo." No. That's not darkness. That's sadness and an invitation for pity. What you want is to make the reader hate you a little bit but also be able to relate to your situation because they've also been there.

Why is this so powerful? Because people rarely say these things out loud. They're part of the human experience that nobody talks about. When you admit them it makes you seem brave.

Marketing is like sex - only losers pay for it

Ah upvote bots... everyone's favorite topic.

You're not going to make any money from Steemit
You need to be whitelisted by @smartmarket
Don't invest more than you can afford to lose
Use the calculator on SteemBotTracker
Break up your bids between several bots
Use resteem/upvote bots for more exposure
Don't use upvote bots unless you have a really good post or have a lot of money

You're not going to make any money from Steemit

Sorry, but you're not. For one thing, the profit from the upvote bots is minimal. Even using @smartmarket, you're not likely to turn much of a profit.

I previously stated that I was netting about 100 SBD per post for my last few posts. That's incorrect. At the time of this writing, it's closer to 30. Still a profit, but 30 is not 100.

Add to that the fact that this "profit" is not liquid and can only be cashed out over a period of 13 weeks. 14 if you count the week it takes to receive your payout. I suppose if you look at it as an investment, it seems profitable.

The problem is that STEEM is extremely new and crypto is very volatile at the moment. In the past few months I've seen SBD drop from $6 to around $1.75 USD. So all that SBD that I bought a few months ago is now worth 75% less than it was when I bought it. I don't care how much blockchain Kool Aid you drink, that is no bueno.

Yes, there are peripheral benefits such as getting to the Trending page which you can use to build your business and get exposure for your services/products/writing. But if you have nothing like that going on and expect to just make a profit from your stupid posts then I recommend you spend your time building an actual business instead. If it was that profitable, I'd make 10 posts a day like @haejin.

Get whitelisted by @smartmarket

@Smartmarket is a service that connects vote sellers and vote buyers. You send them SBD and they send it to unlisted vote sellers who upvote your posts. I believe they take a cut from the vote sellers as profit. The benefit of this is that they guarantee around 2x profit per upvote.

You can use their service without being whitelisted, but it is limited and you won't be able to spend as much SBD. Many vote sellers only sell their votes to whitelisted users whose posts are vetted for quality. Yet another reason to produce quality content.

If Steemit is going to survive, then I believe it's because services like @smartmarket will lead the way. As long as they keep their quality filter high for their whitelisted service, then I believe this platform may have a chance in the future.

It still doesn't address the usage of upvote bots that anyone can purchase, but that's another article entirely.

Don't invest more than you can afford to lose

Spending money on this platform is an investment and a risky one at that. STEEM and SBD are speculative. Yes, they are used to power this platform. But there's a lot of problems with Steemit. SP is centralized, the payouts are skewed and most of the content on here is garbage.

If you spend money on upvotes or whatever, think for a second whether you could spend that money on something else. I think about all the money I've spent on here and wish that I had been smarter and done something else with it. It adds up after a while.

Use the calculator on SteemBotTracker

Wanna know how to use the upvote bots and make a profit? Simple.

On steembottracker there is a vote calculator. You select the vote bot, enter a value and calculate the approximate vote value you'll get in return.

Keep in mind that you'll get closer and closer to breaking even as more people use the bot. Sometimes you'll even lose money because two or more people will place a large bid at the same time and the site won't update in time. The bot will be overbid and everyone loses money except the bot.

One way to circumvent this is to buy your upvotes during times when most people are asleep. Since I'm living in Thailand at the moment, I'm lucky enough to be awake when America is sleeping. Posting in the daytime for me is more profitable than posting at night. So I post during the day.

You'll have to experiment with this depending on where you are.

That's it. The calculator is your friend.

Break up your bids between several bots

As I said in the last section, you don't want to run the risk of placing a large bid at the same time as someone else. Most bots don't have a maximum ROI stop loss built in. I've done this many times and my success is about 50/50 when placing large bids. But believe me, I would rather not lose as I am sometimes playing with big numbers.

If you want to spend 100 SBD, don't put it all on one bot. Break it up between a few of them. I am a fan of @postpromoter and @smartsteem as they have stop losses built in. @rocky1 is also a good one and seems underutilized compared to the other two. Experiment on your own.

Use resteem/upvote bots for more exposure

Whether or not these are worth the money is not really known. I only use them when I use the upvote bots so I can't really say. I just throw everything at the wall and see what sticks.

That said, these bots will resteem your post to a few thousand followers. Some of them will give you upvotes from other accounts, probably low value shit accounts that are essentially just bots and not run by real people, but upvotes nonetheless. And yes, these votes are not particularly valuable, but I don't think the Steemit algorithm is sophisticated enough to weight the different upvotes heavily enough.

Besides, you have to understand that there are two types of contributors on Steemit: people who use paid promotion services and people who don't. The people who don't get virtually no exposure (most of them at least) while the people who do get massive exposure. Whether or not the upvotes and comments are weighed heavily I'm not sure, but I find it worth my time to use them anyway as I'd rather not take the chance that I skimped on a few SBD for a better position on the Trending page.

Here are some bots that I have used consistently in the past in no particular order:

@hottopic
@sportic1
@raise-me-up
@talhadogan
@resteembot
@resteem.bot
@byresteem
@boost007
@ottoman

There are more but I don't remember them. Check steembottracker for a big list. It's at the bottom of the page.

Don't use upvote bots unless you have a really good post or have a lot of money

Upvote bots will not make you rich. They will lock up your money into SP that you can't use for 13 weeks and that's only if you consistently power down.

Use them only if you have an incredible post that you want the world to see. A post so good that you are willing to spend actual money on so people will read. Maybe you're launching a project, maybe you have something interesting to say, I don't know.

Don't spend a significant amount of money on the upvote bots unless you would be okay with waiting 13 weeks to get it back. It's a risky investment and should not be done unless you have a peripheral benefit like building your email list, selling a product/service, or something else.

Wew that's a lot. I think I'm running out of space. Will write more next time. #Sharkschool lesson 3 done.

#SharkSchool Lesson 3: Actual Advice Instead Of A Rambling Rant