It could be some sort of irony. I used to believe in God. I was a religious leader in my community, had certification to instruct in a religious capacity, and found great comfort in the certainty that there was a giant, magical love cushion waiting to catch me when I fell. Until I got deeper into my faith and practice. Then religion was exposed to me as a hegemonic patriarchy designed to control sexuality and personal choice.

I remember realizing mid-prayer that I was serving a false ideology.

False in that I didn't believe it. I stood up and had a long talk with my spouse. He'd left the faith long before. I'd been trying to "save" him for years.

A curious thing happened: I decided to just let faith be for a week. I'd come back to all my practices and prayers after that time. And I did. But it was empty.

The emptiness hurt.

What do you do when that place inside you once filled with a belief in God is empty?

It turns out religion was a way for me to abuse myself. It was an extension of the strict regimentation of eating disorders and various other forms of self-punishment. When I let go of a belief system telling me how to believe, I was able to believe in myself. I filled that emptiness with love for who I am and who I can be.

Gone were the artificial barriers barring me from recognizing my sexuality and my value as a woman.

It's amazing to be free of that clutter. All the discipline I put into religion I now put into compassion. I believe in what we can offer one another, especially outside the bindings of prescripted faith.

Yet, I wouldn't say I'm an atheist. I believe in something. Maybe a common source. Anyone else here in the same boat?

Here's what I said on my sexuality ICYMI: [@honeyscribe/i-ve-never-had-casual-sex-and-i-want-to-open-my-marriage]