Hope and Fear!
These two emotions are normally polar opposites. They don't tend to happen very close to each other in life's journey. Typically, if you are experiencing a lot of FEAR it is impossible to have HOPE. Generally, HOPE blocks out all FEAR. But lately, my life has been full of a tornado of both going on a roller coaster ride like best friends!
That is a hard way to feel! It's like I can't control the fear, I have very valid reasons to be absolutely terrified! The hope is equally as strong and I am very grateful for that, it means the fear can't drown me completely!
You see, I have a very difficult situation taking place in my life right now, one that I literally have no control over. We have had some very serious illnesses strike our beloved goat herd. The cause of which has not been identified. The results have ended the lives of two of my goats and three others that were sick that I struggled and fought to get better.
Every day since this began over a month ago I have had to walk down to the barn and check on the sick goats and give treatments and fluids. Every hour I walk down there with a fear in my heart that another goat will have died or that another goat has become sick. I am checking everyone for signs of diarrhea and see if anyone else needs to begin medication.
A week ago today we had a goat die after being sick for less than 24 hours. I wrote about how hard that was here on Steemit. @wholesomeroots/another-tragic-loss-but-we-will-get-answers
We have some of the best Large Animal Vets and Pathologist studying this case closely. We are working hard to find the cause. ALL NORMAL reasons have been ruled out.
So last Wednesday I had another reason to do hourly Goat checks. This is where the hope comes in! My Fancy Too was due to have her kids! I am so ready for good news! I hope that we have healthy babies and an easy delivery! New Kids always make things better!
Some of the herd resting. The big fat black girl is Fancy Too who is supposed to be in labor...
Walking to the barn, every hour, my heart sinks with the Fear of death, then it swells with the Hope of life! Over and over and over again this happens... for days... Fancy didn't deliver when I expected her to be due... She is close I can tell because her udder is huge but she is holding out on us STILL! Must have been off on the dates somehow.
So, for now, my heart almost breaks from the sinking fear and nearly bursts with the swelling of hope. I have started to have chest pains from all of this up and down emotions. It is not easy. But I know in the end when all this is behind us we will move forward into the light of hope and leave the fear of darkness far behind us!
A video from Friday mornings barn check...
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