~Welcome to Haffanower. These are the words you are now reading. This is episode eight. New here? Spoiler here. I think you'll enjoy this, so please do, but I'd recommend starting at episode one at some point. Some jokes and references depend on previous episodes. Most episodes are short. It should not take long, you'll be entertained along the way and end up right back here. Haffanower Episode One
Last time on Haffanower: @nonameslefttouse the writer himself got the shakedown. Lost his ticket. Pissed himself... and now lays there in his homemade kiddie pool, starving. His eyes... slowly... started... ...to close...
Damn! That's why they pay me the big bucks mother fuc.... Huh? The mic is still on? ...fuck
Is it off now? Yeah? ... so where was I? Oh yeah!
So there she was right, naked and I mean tits naked everywhere naked and tits. I'm laying there, she takes this flying fucking leap like some kind of freak gymnasty... Mid-air, and I shit you not, she FARTS! So now I'm thinking what the fuck! This chick has rocket tits!
Huh? It's still on?
"Alice? Who the fuck is Alice!"
Writer, shakedown, lost, piss, pool, starving... and his eyes... began... ...to close.
Dreamland
Wake up!
Mom!
Oh. How long have you guys been here? You're both looking a little fucked up. Let me guess, meth?
No, we were, uh...
Uhn believably rushed you see.
This is only LSD. It appears you've had a little, mystery?
I have no clue what you're talking about. How is all this a mystery!
I just don't get it.
The FBI came...
You wouldn't happen, to have a beer?
Yeah there's one in the fridge. Wait! No! Don't open it. There's something going on in there right now, just give it some time.
I thought it was you guys so I opened the door and the mother fucker rushed me. I thought I was going in for questioning. Instead he gave me the pat down, touched my nuts a few times for good measure, and then left.
It wasn't just some random street perv wanting a piece, was it?
Yeah, very funny man. He looked a little strange but he did show me some ID. Some form of representation on his tie. I think it was supposed to be significant, but I'm just not sure.
Yes.
At least you didn't die. May I have some of this π?
Pie, I don't have any pie. Step away from the fridge dude, I'm serious. It's worse than the FBI in there.
Come here boy! I got you something scrumptious! Her name, is Dog.
You brought my dog, a cat? Scrumptious? PK... you mind if I call you PK? You can't just feed my dog a cat. Who the hell says they're bringing a treat for a dog and arrives with a fucking cat!
Where did you find this little girl?
Haffanower was busy with his lady friend, I went for a walk and nearly pissed on her.
Well, thanks. I'm sure Dog, Kitty and my other cat will get along just fine. Nobody is eating anybody though, got it?
That... is a long story.
I was on my electronic computation device. I saw an ad on Steemit dot com promoting the latest advances in dog accessories. I was hooked so I followed this user. Kitty even enjoyed some of the cat videos this user later shared. Eventually, I could not get any work done because Kitty would keep giving me the "show me the cat videos, dad" look. I started to brainstorm.
After a brief few moments, I began searching for a cat that needed a home. I did not have to go far in my search. I answered a plea for help I found on social media. Within minutes I was greeted with a very warm, heartfelt response and was given an address. Kitty and I hopped in the car and went to retrieve his new friend.
I recognized the neighborhood, I used to live in the area. For some reason, I could not find the address. It was on my old street and I assumed very close to my old place because the numbers nearly matched. I drove around the block several times. One lady started yelling at me and giving me the finger, so I thought maybe she could help. I pulled over, rolled down my window... she spit on me. She started calling me a stocker but it's been a very long time since I worked in the grocery store and I don't remember her being a customer there. She made me feel a bit uneasy, I thought there might be something wrong with her. I slowly drove away.
Thinking and thinking later, I decided to just go to my old neighbors house. I rang the door bell but it didn't work so I knocked. He came to the door. It was Saturday. He wasn't impressed, I wasn't impressed.
He said he quit drinking and agreed to help. It turns out, the address was actually the basement dwelling below his house! What are the odds, right! So all I have to do is, "Go ring his bell." He had a satisfied look on his face, I probably did too but I did not bring a mirror. We said our goodbyes one last time and I proceeded down to the basement.
I was greeted by a man wearing only his panty hose. He appeared to be getting ready for something extravagant. I was welcomed inside and got my first look at my new friend. Kitty was busy saying hello to the fence outside. Most likely bringing back fond memories. The man poured me a cup of tea and asked me to sit down. He told me everything about the cat. Name, qualifications and experience. He then went on to tell me in great detail stories of his late grandmother. I was then handed a photo album.
Three cups of tea and an entire woman's history later, I was told it was about time I get going. I was given the keys to the cat and a few bags of his favorite food. We said farewell a few different ways as I watched him have a nervous breakdown. He collapsed while holding a picture of his grandmother and ruined his panty hose. I thought it was a good time to leave.
We all packed up and headed home.
That's about all the time we have for episode eight point zero. This is a two part episode. Part two will begin shortly. There might even be a Halloween reference! Isn't that exciting! Holy shit! Wow, is this creeper! What's going on! What the hell did you guys put in this shit!
I narrate, you narrate, we all urinate. Fuck that sounded cool!
