I was so dizzy from the circular argument I was enjoying with @abolitionist that, in my dizziness, I had an unusual experience.
Friends, I lay this before you as the events actually happened. This is the TRUTH, the only TRUTH. I KNOW this now. My heart has been opened. I hope my message brings you joy and peace and epiphanies.
Note: I refrain from using speech marks and regular grammar because this was how it was told to me.
I was enjoying a snifter of rum last night when...
Behold! A vision appeared before me. It was mighty. I fell on my face in fright, spilling rum everywhere.
Harken, I said. Who the fuck are you?
The vision stood before me and with a stern face said, Hath thou not known Me?
Erm, I don't think so, I said, licking the rum from my fingers. Were you on Plenty of Fish?
No! boomed the mighty apparition.
I was much afrighted and thought I might shit myself.
Ok, I said, so who are you?
Ith it not obviouth?
I gazed upon the vision which appeared to be an old man wearing a dress.
Caitlyn Jenner?
I am the LORD, said the LORD.
We stared at each other for a few awkward moments. I wasn't sure whether I should speak because I wasn't sure of anything, what with my dizziness and feeble human brain.
The LORD sat on my La-Z-Boy. His eyes were wide and intense. And He said unto me, I hath an important methage, thit down.
I obeyed the LORD and sat on the couch.
I cometh to impart thee with the gift of knowledge.
Nice, I said. Would you like a drink? I'd offer you rum or wine or whatever. Alas, I hinted, all I have is this massive jug of tasteless water, but you...
The LORD sighed and rolled his eyes. It seemed He'd heard this type of request more than a few times.
You hath been in dithcourth with a thimple and dithhonetht man, He said.
Yes, I said, discretely wiping flying spittle from my cheek.
Feareth not, said the LORD and he did wave his hands about in a mysterious manner. He then sayeth unto me, Ta-Dah!
Suddenly, and with great violence, my mind exploded with infinite knowledge and absolute TRUTH. It was quite a lot to take in, but much more entertaining than the conversation I'd been having with Abolitionist.
Wow, I said.
I know, said the LORD, smiling. Innit!
I feel, I said, at one with the universe!
The LORD rolled his eyes a bit but I KNEW, from his smile, he approved of cliches.
Would you like a ham toastie? I asked.
Hell yeah, said the LORD. Pork ith My favourite meat.
We spake deep into the night, sharing TRUTHS and basically having a good old laugh. His parting message to me was thus:
Go back into thine world, AnjKara. Your mithion is to thpread the WORD. My TRUE WORD. Don't fuck it up, like the latht lot did. Fake news! Embarrathing. And don't mention my lithp.
I didn't need to ask the LORD what was wrong with the original WORD. With my glorious and mind-blowing, perfect knowledge, I already KNEW.
...to be continued...
If you're interested in reading the Atheist vs Christian debate, it gets going from here.
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