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I was contemplating my decision to step out as an entrepreneur - yet again. This time I really didn't know if I was cut out for this. Every time I needed to step out in public or saw any hint of a potential successful outcome, I would self-sabotage and run into hiding. BUT WHY?!! I asked myself.
That's when a childhood memory suddenly surfaced for re-evaluation.
I was 16 yrs old, and two years away from graduating high school. At this point, we choose our subject focus - science or arts. I chose science to keep up with my two older brothers - and a bit of a cultural expectation of being Indian and all.
It was my first memory of Chemistry class. I was also quite excited about a planner I had just gotten from my father and was pre-occupied with it under the desk, when I heard my name being called. I looked up and saw an equation on the board and the teacher handing me the chalk. I should have just fessed up and said - "I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention", but I walked the steps like a pirate walking the plank - and stared blankly at the cryptic numbers and letters on the board.
The next moment was forever etched in the recesses of my mind. The teacher expressing one of the most audible snorts followed by the words "I over estimated your intelligence". I was compared to an older sibling who performed exceptionally well at just about everything - in the worst possible way. No amount of cringing and slouching made the situation any less humiliating.
I can't remember the two years of class that followed thereafter, except for our final practical exam where I really wasn't sure if my steps were right. I followed it the best I could, and just as I was mixing two liquids together into a pretty purple concoction, a loud snort shocked me out of my senses, followed by a snigger.
Fast forward to Harry Potter at the movies and enter Prof. Snape for the first time - I hated potions with the same vengeance as chemistry.
Some of my earliest life experiences solidified a feedback that said I was rubbish at "intellectual stuff". So, I always told myself I wasn't good at these things, but secretly tried really hard to prove myself - should I say to the mental image of my chemistry teacher and everyone who represented validation.
The funny thing is, I didn't realise that it wasn't necessary to prove myself to a particular set standard. And that I actually did have a decent level of intelligence, which sadly never quite registered in my psyche. So I would somehow sabotage any achievement - never quite complete it all the way, and tell myself that I technically flunked out but somehow am still getting by through sheer luck.
Despite the wisdom and experience that has proven otherwise, somehow the impact and deep conditioning kept making me feel like an imposter. Who am I to offer "xyz" to the world. Maybe this program is not exactly amazing, after all - it wasn't all that difficult, anyone could have come up with it (having experienced amnesia of the development process).
I am not here to re-count this painful experience for sympathy points. It is to share my road to recovery - or at least an ongoing journey towards it. These are the four steps that continue to help me on this journey.
STEP 1: STOP PLAYING SMALL
The first step was to step out of my comfort zone and stop playing small. This powerful quote by Marianne Williamson says it best ....
It is one of the hardest things to overcome. Honestly, I'm glad this is a written post and not a DLive streaming - cuz it ain't a pretty sight.
One of the biggest realisation I had with this, and not giving up on SoulArist - is that our wherewithal, talents and gifts - ARE our service to humanity. It took me out of my self absorbed whining and put my nose to the grind stone; to just get on with it. There is work to be done - at this point in humanity more so than ever. We are all being called upon to embrace leadership.
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Step 2: ACCEPT WEAKNESS
My first step to recovery was accepting my weakness. Embracing the fears as they crept up, but acknowledging the fact that they were FEARS, not reality. It was a conditioning. Sure, it will take time to fully overcome it. Rest, and regroup if necessary. Get some spiritual and emotional boosters when needed, but the march goes on - even if it means standing up and feeling completely vulnerable - the thing is, the most important thing is, to SHOW UP.
Step 3: SHOW UP
No matter how awful, terrified or downright miserable I felt - I had to SHOW UP. And so I did, sweating through my pores and all. The upside of the imposter syndrome - you are most likely, more prepared than you think you are. So, be the change - not for anyone else, simply for yourself. Growth happens one step at a time.
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Step 4: REAP THE REWARDS - GRACEFULLY
I still struggle with this, but it is just as important to receive as it is to give/share/put the work out. There will be accolades - receive it gracefully. There will be criticism - accept it with graciousness. I realised that there will still be room for improvement - not because I failed to prepare, or was not good enough - but because it's called growth and expansion. Reaching for the next highest point is not a failure to have anticipated it. It is a testament that we are READY FOR MORE.
Previous posts of interest:
- On life: Why Motivational Quotes are Driving Me Nuts
- On yoga and creativity: How to Relieve Writer's Block using Backbends and Downward Facing Dogs!
MY Ikigai:
What I LOVE: Writing about life, poetry, haiku, short stories and motivational quips. Practicing yoga and internal reflections, walks in nature, compassionate acts towards nature, animals and humanity.
What I OFFER the world: A passion for Creativity, Innovation, Integrity and Authenticity in thoughts, words, and deeds.
What I am/can be PAID FOR: Writing, teaching yoga, books (in the making), training, facilitating. And hopefully to sit and spin out creative ideas/solutions at whim!
What I'm GOOD at: Hypnotising my Yoga students apparently! Writing, occasional witty retorts, being a hopeless romantic, passionate utopian, innovator and creator of all things fun and uplifting.
The IKIGAI - SoulArist
- To find out more, please visit our webpage
- For event listings/past activities visit our Facebook page
- Snippets of SoulArist can be found on Instagram
- Read about the founder on LinkedIn
Upcoming Posts:
Blogs and podcasts on meditation/awareness practices.
Yoga and Leadership - coming up later this week
I was going to use the website to publish these materials, however, with the discovery of Steemit, I will be redirecting the flow of these posts to start here at Steemit and then to the website. I am new to this whole program, so please bear with me as I find my footing on this platform, with the help of all my fellow steemians here no doubt ;)
I am very grateful for the support and encouragement from @maverickfoo @elizacheng @bitrocker202 @curie.
Thank you for introducing me to a revolutionary world of self-expression. One that is mutually beneficial, engenders greater awareness and provides entertaining intelligent banter #awesome