Question #8: Do you envy people who are more successful?

A NEW YEAR (A.N.Y.), a new way question series:

On January first, I posted our first article in this series explaining a new way to approach New Year's resolutions. Each day we will explore a different question that challenges us to understand ourselves better. The format will be as follows: I will post the previous day's question with my answer followed by the next day's question for contemplation.

Here is my answer:

The Break-up

We have all been there; in a relationship where we are miserable and have decided to leave. We dread the confrontation that must happen but in order to be prepared we rehearse a dialogue that goes something like this:

We need to talk…
I don't think this relationship is going to work...
It’s not you, it’s me…
I have to find myself...
I wish it could have worked out between us but I need to head in a different direction right now...
It’s not fair to you because I can’t give you what or need...

Hands down the longest, most dysfunctional, controlling and frustrating relationship I have ever had has been with the emotion envy. Take a look at my face when I was in the presence of someone else's financial success and pasted there was a forced smile; inside I was seething. At times, the reaction was so powerful that I found it hard to breathe.

I remember a time shortly after my oldest son was born, when a fellow mom from our mom's group won $10,000 from a random entry into a local mall's sweepstakes. My husband and I were struggling financially and the winning couple had more money than they knew what to do with. I was furious. I had to sit there and listen to them talk about all the frivolous things they were going to purchase and feign excitement at their choices. I just wanted to scream at them and shake my fist at the heavens wanting answers to the following questions:

What's wrong with me?
Why them?
Why couldn't they just give it to me, I needed it more?
Why do lucky things always happen to them?

Fast forward a couple years when I had the curse/blessing of working alongside a younger fellow co-worker who had her life together. Her husband worked overseas and made huge money and she was successful in both her endeavors: a high paying 9-5 job and a lucrative marketing agency on the side. I would hear of her plans to renovate her new designer home (which was almost paid off) or her latest purchase. Unbeknownst to her, there were times I would be impacted so strongly by her success that the tears of envy and frustration would fall down my cheeks while I worked. Despite those emotions, she was someone I admired because she was fiscally responsible and her life showed it. If you haven’t caught on by now, I’ll let you in on a little secret; I liked to create situations where I experienced one financial struggle after another. Even now, I am at the end of my unemployment benefits with no job in sight despite my job seeking efforts.

Comeuppance

One of my favorite scenes in the animated movie the “Emperor’s New Groove” is when Kronk had a conversation with his shoulder angels. He had to make the decision whether or not to go through with the orders to kill the Emperor Kuzco. They didn’t help him all that much but when I met with mine, not too long ago, I had a different result. The “devil” voice wanted to fuel my predictable envy driven response, because I’ve recently been blessed with two more successful women who I can call friends. One has been extremely responsible with her money and acquired enough savings so she didn’t need unemployment benefits. The other, achieved success in her chosen career and has the financial freedom that I always dreamed of. I began to feel the churning and heat that arises when I think of other people’s success, until I heard the other angel’s voice. It asked me a simple question, “Have you always struggled financially?”. My knee jerk response was to justify the answer YES that resounded out until the truth started to seep in. There were quite a few times in my life when I received a windfall of money and I was not a good steward of that gift. As these realizations tend to do, I also started to see further examples of how I mishandled my finances. It dawned on me that I wasn’t as much of a victim as I led myself to believe. My financial situation was a direct reflection of my poor choices and that I was the only one who could change my financial future. I realized that I needed to make better choices and be more responsible. That has helped me curb my financial envy for when the emotional response starts to percolate, I remind myself that I am no longer the same person that created that financial mess. Change is the result of admitting the truth then making the decisions to create a new reality. I have a new goal in mind and I strive to make better choices. It feels like turning the Titanic at times for I have many years and choices that have contributed to the mess I am currently in. Soon, shoulder angel, soon.

Did this response resonate with you? I would love to hear your take on the question and how it impacted you. Please post your thoughts below.

Tomorrow's question: Do you devote more time to thinking about success or failure?
Response posted tomorrow.

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