Question #6: Does life seem futile and hopeless to you?
A NEW YEAR (A.N.Y.), a new way question series:
On January first, I posted our first article in this series explaining a new way to approach New Year's resolutions. Each day we will explore a different question that challenges us to understand ourselves better. The format will be as follows: I will post the previous day's question with my answer followed by the next day's question for contemplation.
Here is my answer: The first thought that came to me in regards to this question was if I felt so hopeless that suicide was the only option. My answer is no even though I have day dreamt of dying often enough. I have visualized myself driving off cliffs or not making the curve on a highway. I see in my mind the car sailing off the road, much like we see in the movies.
But unlike the movies, I don’t see the actual impact for I snap back to reality similar to when I dream I am falling and wake up before hitting the bottom (Actually in dreams I have hit the bottom a couple times and lived to tell about it lol). I have visualized this in mind so many times that even today when I see a curve coming up in the road I stop to have a little pep talk with myself.;
I have stood on the corner of the street waiting to cross when I see a bus coming down and I mentally picture myself walking into its path and being run over by it. It doesn’t stop there for I have done similar thinking with a semi-truck. When driving on a highway and I see one coming in the distance I picture that I drive head on into it.
Close Call
I must have visualized that one enough for I had a close call with a semi-truck once. The man in my life at the time was a long distance truck driver and we were travelling from Calgary to Vancouver; approximately a 12 hour trip. For anyone who has travelled through the Rocky Mountains you will know that a good portion of it has single lanes with a mountain on one side and a sheer cliff on the other. We were heading west on such a section of the highway, near the end of the day, right when the sun was in the best spot to blind us.
We had a difficult time seeing the traffic and road ahead so I went into the back bunk to read. As we came over the hill we heard a warning of an accident on our CB radio from a fellow truck driver who recently passed by the scene. I promptly came to the front seat again from the bunk in the back to take a look at the accident like any good rubbernecker would. The accident was a minor fender bender that could have been pulled over to the shoulder but instead they blocked the opposite lane of traffic. It must have just happened for there was no back up of traffic on that side of the road. After fuming at the stupidity of the situation, I looked up into the sun and saw a white semi-truck coming full speed towards us in OUR lane. We had nowhere to go since we were almost at the accident scene. I almost stood up in my seat and pointed ahead to the oncoming truck coming and said, “Yvon, the truck!!!! He replied in his natural relaxed manner, “what truck?” WHAT TRUCK??? Are you kidding me??? The big fat white one coming straight at us!!! The sun and the truck were exactly in the same spot so it was completely camouflaged to him.
You know when you see things happen in movies and they emphasis the scene by slowing it right down to show all aspects of what’s happening? That’s exactly what happened here:
- Yvon finally saw the truck and he did his signature move when he was extremely stressed when driving; He instantly went on high alert and the only tell-tale sign was him gripping the steering wheel with both hands and taking a deep breath. I learned very quickly when I heard that sound and saw him do that to be ready for anything.
- I, on the other hand, assessed the situation: saw the accident scene with the mountain on one side, the cliff on the other and the oncoming truck coming straight at us. I didn’t see any viable option for life anywhere so I said to myself, “WE ARE GOING TO DIE” and braced for impact.
- The people of the accident had a variety of responses: one stood there completely frozen and the other realized he too was going to die or how ridiculous it was to hold up traffic and started running to his car.
Yvon moved as close as he could to the railing without going over. We were so close that I couldn’t see the road any longer and felt like I was going over the edge. The other truck hugged the accident scene as close as he could and I’m sure scared the pants off those people. I finally looked at the other truck coming directly towards us and watched as it raced by close enough that our mirrors almost clipped but we missed each other. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! We were ALIVE! The other trucker then had the audacity to get on the CB radio and yell at Yvon complaining about almost killing him. Yvon calmly said, “Uhmmm… who was the one who came into my lane?”…. His response was … silence (insert crickets sound) followed by a “click”.
Not once during that whole ordeal or the calming breathes afterward did the thoughts of “that I was happy to die” or “this is finally it” cross my mind; I sincerely wanted to live. I realized that death was not what I really wanted even though I thought about it a lot. My death thoughts came from a feeling of desperation because I felt invisible to my family and I wanted to see if anyone cared; I was living my own version of The Christmas Carol. Would my family miss me or even come to my funeral? It was a lonely time.
I have since stopped visualizing my death scenes. The antidote for those death thoughts was to learn to love myself as cliché as that sounds. When I finally began to see myself as a person of value did I recognize the love around me and slowly learn to accept it. That was no easy task nor did it happen overnight; I’m just glad it did. Now I wonder how metaphysically I can have a bus run right through me like a superhero. Sigh… it’s possible, somehow… right?
Did this response resonate with you? I would love to hear your take on the question and how it impacted you. Please post your thoughts below.
Tomorrow's question:
Do you often feel self-pity? If so, why?
Response posted tomorrow.
Who is the Common Guru? Here is our introductory article
Follow us on Twitter
Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Videos soon to follow.
Like us on Facebook
