“Listen, thanks for inviting me to your party. It’s really sweet of you, but I don’t think we’re… I don’t think I’m up for a party this weekend. Things have been really stressful lately and I’m just not sure I’m up socializing.” I hung up the phone after a few more pleas and reminders that the invitation was still open, but honestly, I was relieved to have bowed out early on. The last thing I needed was to be around a bunch of people when things had been so...emotionally precarious lately.
’What the FUCK was that about? You know I love parties!’
I groaned inwardly. I knew it wasn’t likely that I’d get away with changing the plan without being found out, but damn. I did NOT need for people to meet Kim. No one would understand. ’Listen, you know that Megan isn’t up for partying because crowds really freak her out and really, you of all people know why we can’t go.’
’Oh. I suppose it’s my fucking fault that you guys wouldn’t know a good time if it bit you in the ass?’
I let out a heavy sigh. ’No. Please understand. I like these people. They’re my friends. I promise we’ll find some… fun… for you soon, but these people are important to me. I don’t want you to upset them.’
The chuckle that reverabated in my head sent shivers down my spine. The snarky voice full of loathing erupted, ’What the FUCK? Poor you, poor sweet Bri with the friiiiiieeeeeeeennnnnnndsss that she can’t upset. You are a fucking pathetic piece of shit, you know that? If they were really your friends, they would accept all of us. Hell, they would at least know about all of us. But NO, you keep the rest of us locked away in here like you’re fucking ashamed. Like you’re better than us. Well let me tell you…’
I blocked her voice as best I could as the phone rang again. Everything in me tensed, checking the caller ID to see who was calling. My shoulders dropped in relief as I saw who it was. My boyfriend was the only safe person to talk to at times like this. He understood. He was the only one who understood and who knew everyone well enough to recognize what was going on. I put the phone up to my ear, “Hey, honey," I knew my voice wavered, but I tried to keep it casual, "What's going on?"
“I just felt like something was up. I can’t seem to get past the feeling that I needed to talk to you. Did you call Jenny about the party?” He knew me so well, even when he was miles away at work, he seemed to know when I needed to hear his voice. It was one of the few things that seemed to be able to stabilize me, at least some of the time.
I nodded, as if he could see me, before replying, “Yes, I called Jenny about the party. She understood, well, she kind of understood. She said that we can just show up if things change and we want to go…”
I heard him sigh with relief, “Good. I know you’re disappointed that we can’t make it, but I think it’s just best if we avoid groups for a while. You seem to do better one on one.”
“I know. You’re right. I was really looking forward to it, but I can see Jenny another time.” The pressure in my head started pounding, I could feel her wanting to have her say. Kim was pretty damn hard to ignore when she was on fire about something. I closed my eyes, pressing the phone against my ear with my shoulder while I pressed my fingers against my eyes, hoping to ward off the explosion. It was no use.
“Listen here, you mother fucker,” Kim’s voice shoved it’s way through me, rage bleeding through every word. “I want to get out of this fucking useless piece of shit apartment and have some fucking fun. If you want to keep your sweet little girls safe, then you’d best fucking understand that I WILL have my fun. You can either come along for the ride, or you can sit back and deal with the aftermath.” I could hear her talking, I could feel the emotions coursing through my body, my voice shaking with the intense emotions rushing forth. I could hear it and I was crying out… or trying to, but to no avail. She wouldn’t let me out. It was like watching a movie through my own eyes that I had no control over.
’Please, Kim, just…’ I felt her like a physical blow as she slammed everything she had into shutting me up. I wasn’t going to win this time. She was stronger than me and she would be until she got what she wanted and let me have the reigns again, as long as it suited her. I sat back, helpless to do anything as she railed at my boyfriend over the phone.
“You tell your precious sweet girlfriend that we ARE going to that party and I WILL do whatever the fuck I want or you be prepared to take me out for a night on the town and let me loose. I need to get out of this fucking cage for once and spread my wings. I want to dance and drink and get fucked up and I’m going to do it, with or without you.”
There was a pause before he spoke again. His voice was resigned, “Hi, Kim.” Another sigh broke through and I could picture him, the gears working in his mind, trying to figure out the best answer for the situation. He knew that Kim meant what she said. She was the party girl, the bad ass who wanted to go do dangerous shit, flirt with other men, piss off everyone in sight and basically have the freedom to push everyone’s buttons and do whatever the fuck she wanted. He also knew that if he didn’t find a way to let her have at least a little something… she’d take off and do her best to destroy the rest of us.
He finally spoke again, “Kim. Listen, I promise, we’ll go out. This weekend. You can have your fun and do whatever… whatever you want. As long as you don’t hurt the others and you stay present, I’ll take you out. Just leave Bri’s friends out of it. It’s important to her.”
Her mocking voice was like ice, “It’s important to her. Of course that’s all you care about. What does Bri want? What's best for Megan? What would Beth think? Who the fuck cares about what I want?” I watched the fingers on my right hand tapping a beat on the table as Kim spoke on the phone. I could tell that she was still angry, but the tapping nails on the hard surface was a good sign. She was considering it. tap tap tap The clicking made me want to scream.
“Kim? Are you still there?” My boyfriend’s voice came through the line and my heart ached, wanting so badly for him to be there with me. With us. His physical presence was something I craved like oxygen at times like this. I was adrift and just needed him to hold me.
“Yes, I’m still fucking here. I’ll think about it, okay? Don’t get your fucking panties in a wad, asshole. I’ll let you know what I decide when I’m damn good and ready.”
And just like that I was back at the helm, so to speak. “Honey,” my voice cracked and a sob broke through. I pressed the phone to my ear as if that might bring him closer. Fighting back tears, “I’m sorry.” My voice was barely a whisper. This was too much. Too much to ask of anyone. I needed him, but he deserved so much more.
“Love, it’s okay.” I could hear the tension leave his voice, just knowing that he was talking to me again.
“No, it’s not okay, but I love you for saying it. I love you for… everything.” My voice felt rusty. It did every time I lost control for even a short while. It was like grabbing the steering wheel in the middle of driving down the highway.
“It is just how it is for now. I love you. All of you. We’ll get through this.” His voice was like a balm to my fevered emotions. My body let go and I sank down on the couch. It was okay. For the moment, at least. I was here. She was away and everything would be okay. I was just glad that Megan hadn’t come out to talk yet. I was exhausted. “Are you tired enough to sleep?” The question that always followed a conversation like this. He knew I was usually worn out to the point of needing a nap.
“Yes,” my eyelids were drooping as I spoke, “I think I’m going to sleep now.” I sank down on the couch, sliding until I was lying down.
“Okay. Just stay home. Have a nap and I’ll be home in an hour, okay?”
I replied with a half asleep murmur, “Okay, love you… see you in a bit.”
My body sank down as if I’d been sedated. Apparently housing four people in one body was exhausting. At least I was usually aware of the others now. At least it was better than it had been before, back then they would come and go without my knowledge. Those weeks and months leading up to the discovery of what was truly happening in my head? That was the real drama…
I fell asleep and hoped beyond all hope that my body would sleep with me.
This is my entry into the Constrained Writing Contest by @svashta using the Daily Prompt for the freewrite challenge by @mariannewest
art and flair courtesy of @PegasusPhysics
And some of my other more recent posts:
What Would You Do with One Million Dollars in 24 hours?
Sunday Funnies: When Cats Get Bored, Letters from a Boat Cat
Mommy Monday: Puppet Making, Part 4 (Making Poseable Hands)
Try Something NEW Tuesday: I did a Rap Karaoke Video!
Heartbroken "Saying Good-Bye" Freewrite
