If you asked me this question a few short years ago, my thoughts would have immediately flown to my religious experiences and blind faith. At that time, “spiritual” automatically meant “organized religion”… and “organized religion” meant Christianity since that was how I was raised.
Over the passing of years, however, I began to ask questions and think for myself. While religion no longer plays an important or necessary role in my life, spirituality is ever present!
Spirituality is such a cool concept because it is completely subjective in both definition and experience! For some, it means feeling a connection to earth and its’ inhabitants. For others, it includes the personal awareness and understanding one cultivates during the course of his/her life.
For me, spirituality includes all of these ideas/feelings and ties itself very closely to my depression. I’ve already wrote an article about my mental illness for the Homestead Happiness challenge so I don’t want to rehash everything that has already been said. Here is an excerpt:
My mood disorders started as a bland distaste for things I had originally enjoyed. At first I attributed my lack of interest and easily frayed nerves to the hormonal changes that accompany puberty. But eventually the dark cloud that hung above my head took over my life and I could not shake the terrifyingly apathetic mindset I then entertained.
Over the years I tried many different forms of medication (Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc) and therapy (CBT and psychotherapy). Some worked better than others and at times I found a few months of temporary reprieve yet I always ended up back where I began. As the years passed, I became increasingly frustrated, terrified, angry, guilty, ashamed, and every other negative emotion you can think of…
…until I almost committed the worst possible act you can commit when dealing with depression.
Thankfully, I could not go through with it and I am still here. But as I sat there that fateful night contemplating my actions, I distinctly remember thinking…
“If I can’t end my life, I have to learn to live it.”
As I stated in the original article, this is what lead me outside into the heart of nature and homesteading practices (go ahead and read the full article if you’d like to understand why). And this is what lead me to my most profound spiritual experience - reaching self-actualization (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
I remember being fascinated with psychology class both in high school and college and I distinctly remember being intrigued with the idea of self-actualization. It made sense to me that humans were always struggling to better themselves and reach an enlightened state (though whether or not we can actually reach an enlightened state is still unclear to me as I believe humans will never stop trying to better themselves regardless of their transcendent state of mind). Such a simple chart with clear steps towards “happiness” had a profound appeal to me as someone who struggled with depression every day. This pyramid branded itself in my mind…
So that’s why this concept came to mind and “self-actualization” was the only description I could find for my experience.
I don’t remember when it happened… I don’t even remember where I was though I know I was surrounded by earth and trees and fresh air. A sense of peace washed over me and I froze as time stopped. It was such an out of body experience that I felt as if I could see the past, the present, and the future. I could see the struggles of humanity through time and understand the movements of the planets. I felt the weight of the universe pressing down from the blue sky and felt particles of star dust pulse through my veins. I suddenly become aware that I was not in fact staring up at the stars but staring down into the infinite stretch of space and held to this planet by a single thread. All I can remember thinking is…
It’s going to be okay.
And that was the first time I actually believed it. I have no idea what prompted this moment of clarity… if anything, I suppose that makes it even more spiritual! And though I cannot conjure up that feeling again at will, I can think back to it in moments of darkness and despair.
I remember it every time I dig my hands into the same earth my body will return to one day. I remember it every time I taste the fruits of this world fed by sun and starlight. I remember it every time I look into a creature’s eyes and see the same spark of awareness and life.
That’s why nature is my church and the universe my deity. That’s why homesteading is my calling, my passion, my faith.
Photo from Pexels and used under the CC0 license.
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